I have never felt so low and sick, all driven by my repeated gambling. This is not a feeling driven by a loss of money. This is caused by my girlfriend walking out on my yesterday after telling her that I had been gambling for this past year.
She suspected something was up after I have had to borrow money a few times towards the end of the month over the course of the year. I'm well paid, why would I need to borrow money? Anyway, we had a conversation yesterday, she told me that she was unhappy, finding our relationship difficult and felt like we had grown apart. She didn't know where she stood with me anymore. She was right, gambling had pushed a great big wedge between us. I had become distant, unengaged as I gambled 24/7 online or my phone. I had neglected the one thing that I truly loved and cherished in this world. I could not lie to her any more and came clean on my gambling.
I don't know if she's coming back, she isn't answering my calls. We've been together for over 8 years and I hope that she can find the strength to stand by me through recovery, but I won't blame her if she can't. I told her a year ago, just before we bought our first house together I had lost a lot of money earlier in the year. It hurt her badly, but she still wanted to go ahead and buy the house. She believed that I would no longer gamble and I had the strength to stop.
After a year in the new house, I have neglected our relationship whilst my attention has been turned to gambling. Someone who doesn't understand would probably say that I've been selfish. They are probably right, but they probably haven't gone down this slippery slop, like so many others here on these forums.
She is my first and only love and now I am so scared that I have ruined it all and lost her. The house may well go too. She says she doesn't know how she can ever trust me again. Putting myself in her shoes, she's right.
I cannot change the past, I just hope it is not too late to make amends in building a better future. I just hope and pray that she is with me. I'm sat here alone wondering if she'll come back.
Yesterday is the day she left. Yesterday is the day that I began my journey to rid myself of this revolting compulsion. This is the real wake up call.
I've referred myself to the National Gambling Clinic and am waiting for them to come back and arrange an appointment. I'll also be going to my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow.
I am scared, alone, have debt up to my eyballs and only have myself to blame. This diary is to chart my progress to recovery over the coming days and weeks ahead.
Today I promise to give up gambling. Today I promise to devote myself to rebuilding my relationship with the woman I love if there is any chance to do so.
Charlie
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world" - Mahatma Ghandi
She came home yesterday after spending the weekend away. I had no idea what would unfold.
I tried to prepare for the worst, I also tried to prepare for what I needed to tell her.
I'd felt pit of the stomach sick since I told her about my gambling on Saturday. I managed to hold out until Sunday before trying to contact her. Multiple calls and no answer. A late night text got the frostiest response. She was coming home.
As silly as it sounds I didn't go into work on Monday. Partly as I was in bits, partly to make sure the house was cleaned top to bottom for her return.
She came home. She looked amazing. Funny, when she walked out the door on Saturday, despite her pain, I looked at her and she was so beautiful. It is strange how fear of loss makes you realise just how things are.
Dinner was ready if she wanted. I made a pasta bake so it could wait. I asked if she wanted to talk or eat. She didn't mind so I said talk.
We sat at the table and I told her everything. She asked when I gambled. "All the time" I said. That hurt. She unearthed some more lies. That hurt her again.
I don't think, in fact I know, I have never been as sincere as I was last night. I never meant things to hurt her, but indirectly they always did. I could not change the past and for that I am so very very regretful and sorry. I could only ask her, if she let me, to try and re-earn her respect and in time trust. I think that the way I felt then was the same as the day I lost my mother. Emotionally shattered.
She asked if I'd lost money. "Yes, but you don't want to hear" I said. I knew I had to tell her. After a short silence, I told her £13k over the last 10 months. She gasped.
It was so hard to say the number. In my tears. But I couldn't lie to her, that is what this was about. Honesty. I can't lie to her anymore. I've done it for far too long.
We ate at the table, for the first time in a long time. It was largely silent for the large part. I barely ate.
I reiterated my earlier comments, she is the most precious thing to me. I want to earn her trust again.
She said she didn't know If she could trust me ever again and that it was so much to take in. She was right. She said she wanted to stay with her friend if a few days.
After dinner she went to watch tv in the lounge. Clearly hurt by what id said. Perhaps shattered is more appropriate. After a while I asked if I could sit in the lounge, she said yes.
An hour later she went to bed. I slept in the spare room.
Morning came and she was on an earlier train. I was already wide awake. She called my name and I answered and she came in. She sat by the side of me and briefly touched my hand. I grasped it but I pulled away quickly. She wasn't there for affection. She was there to make sure I wasn't totally broken. She is a truly wonderful woman.
i dropped her an email asking if she was ok whilst at work. Frosty response, but a response.
Tonight I had to go for a beer. Not had a beer since telling her. Nothing too exciting and certainly didn't let on to my work colleagues what was going on at home.
I text her, saying I hoped she was ok and that she slept well at her friends. She did respond, quite cold and no kiss. Could I expect more? No.
So that's my update. I've laid it all on the table, no more lies.
Next step is to talk to her parents about it, out of respect.
I'm not sure if she'll come home, I hope she does.
Im booked in to the doctors on Monday and the national gambling clinic have responded that there is a 12 week waiting time but at least I'm on the list.
next step GA meeting in London on Thursday - work permitting as it's in work hours, otherwise Monday night.
No desire to gamble. It's broken me and potentially my relationship forever. Never again.
Be the change.
Charlie
Charlie
Fella you are not alone in what you have done, I went on to do some terrible things over a period of twenty years all in the pursuit of a punt. I hope you take the help out there, not just for your self but for your partner too.
She deserves to recover from the terrible effects of this all consuming addiction just as much as you. I hope from it you can work through it together and enjoy what recovery gifts.
Your determination to seek help is a great beginning, build on it, embrace it, take everything you can, there is a wealth of it.
Be completely honest, don't hide anything, that will play into addictions hands.
I handed all the control of the finances over to my wife, a two fold reasoning, firstly the temptation to let addiction through the door blocked, secondly and more importantly your partner will see your commitment to recovery.
Trust, that is something that will take a lifetime to earn, yes you will be questioned, rightly so.
As I said embrace it, it will get better, made possible by the continued efforts needed to arrest your addiction.
Again welcome aboard.
You cannot change the past, but you can decide on the future.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Charlie
You have taken that vital 1st step and that's the hardest step to take , you can now start to move forward , it takes great strength to admit your problem not only to yourself but to your partner , showing great strength is exactly what you will need on your journey , give your girlfriend some time its a lot to take in but you did the right thing from my experience it's never the gambling that hurts them is all the lies that come with it
This is a fantastic site with so much support make the most of it show your girlfriend the effort and commitment you are putting into your recovery , whatever happens this is a fresh start dont look back keep looking forward , I wish you all the best
Castle2
Charlie,
Telling a loved one about your addiction is very hard so well done for doing so. Just picture yourself two years down the line living a happy, gambling free life with your girlfriend by your side. Bin the gambling and put your focus on making this picture a reality. Stay strong and good luck mate
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