Well hello diary once again for another episode of trying to give up this evil. Although this post is mostly for myself but in case anyone else is reading please bear with me it might be a long one. ..a quick background I have been gambling fir the last 13 years, though there were many weeks, months, years without gambling..but just kept slipping back into it everytime...and everytime I kept promising myself that will stop bringing emotional pain upon myself...did I not really want to be cured?...am I also addicted to stress that gambling brings? Just a few questions that I asked myself over the years and number of slip ups...my gambling weakness is online betting and it is so easy to exclude yourself and find a new online booking when the mist sets upon your eyes and all of the rational thinking goes out of the window...why would it be different this time I asked myself this morning, but there is something different this time...it could be that I have absolutely no energy to carry on....did the gambling finally zapped all of my energy and left me with a very empty feeling and 4k out of pocket this year...I had barriers in place to what I thought was freedom but we CGs will find away to lie, cheat and gamble...cutting my financial supply will help me to get back on track and the road to recovery...for the first time I will be handing over my financial control over to my brother...though he doesn't know that yet..though he will probably be the best person to speak to as unfortunately he is and hopefully just was in the same boat as me.. though this subject is the last on our topic list but i will be breaking this tradition after years of not talking about it properly... but that will not take place until I sort my accounts ready to be handed over..just hope I don't have to wait until Xmas day to have that chat...today was the first time in ages that I had cried to myself..I made sure that no one saw each product heard it..not exactly manly thing to do :)..but I am just emotionally frustrated with myself. ..so many chances, but I keep slipping up...having been up all night trying to lose my last bit of money for one last glory and then laying in bed in cold sweat not knowing what to do where to go and what am I doing with my life...than realised that I had to get up for work and put a brave face and pretend that everything is fine...I think I deserved some rest and start again tomorrow. ..Day one is done..let's see what the next one brings..to be continued
I can relate to much of what you write about. I am only 15 days bet free from online slots. Don't know what I've been doing for last 8 years or so, but have resigned myself to accept I'll never get back the money gambled. Now focused on becoming better person. I'm going to look forwards not back but difference this time is I have support of family members and I am going to use it. No secrets, blocking software and regular chats and check ins with brother to make sure I keep on track. I really hope you can get some help and move forward one day at time. I have nothing of any material value - lost my house, car, am in debt and living with parents at age of 49. Will never be rich, just want a normal gamble-free life and use my wages on normal things. I wish u well.
Hi Donas, just read your post , so welcome back my friend .
First thing , never be afraid of a good cry , It's your bodys way of releasing all that anger , frustration and sadness for what weve done to ourselves and nothing un- manly about that , you need to get rid of stuff sometimes and there's no better way !
I'm 54 , I've gambled most of my years except for the last 98 day's and in those last 98 days I've cried like a baby at times and have really got back in touch with the feeling's that were missing while I gambled .
You say about the blocks you put in place and the fact that you always find another site to go in , if you want to bet and thats the problem . However many blocks you put in place , you will still find a way to gamble if you wish to !.
Handing your finances over to your brother is a great idea and should help considerably in breaking the Time , money ,location triangle , but the biggest thing is still you , you have to want to stop gambling more than you want to continue , simple as that !
Hope to speak with you again soon , take care and keep posting !
Alan
Thanks for your thoughts and contribution guys...well day 2 day is now over and done with..the feeling of panic is no longer with me but the reality of my actions over the last week (s) are kicking in..juggling finances and putting the plan into place so that I can start the new year clean is underway...juse been thing over the the amount of times that i said to myself that this is the last time and I will to put myself through that pain again....how can I make this stick in my mind for a longer than a few months when the sun start shining and the birds start singing and you think you are safe and then boom and you are back to square one.
.Anyway one day at a time...let's see what tomorrow brings...goodnight diary
Suppose its the difference between a person that can gamble occasionally and one that can't. Learning to deal with addiction is all part of the challenge. Well done on your time so far. tri x
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