One day at a time

Day 222 (lovely number!)

So watched the last episide of britain at the bookies.

dawned on me after 180 mins of this programme not once was GAMCARE mentioned within the programme. Are the bookies that scared of losing income that they only agreed to the progranme if gamcare wasnt 'advertised'?

Maybe im just being cynical....

Well today I should be on 228 days.

I should still be on my way to a full calender year of non gambling.

I should be focused and pleased with the work that ive put into my recovery...

However I find myself on day 1.

The last time I was on day 1 was christmas day last year.

Need to look at the positives;

Ive not actually lost money ('won' just over a hundred quid)

Ive proved to myself I can do this

My debts are going down. No longer do I need to stress about whether the money coming in is enought to get me to the next payday.

So day 1 for me.

No urges to go back to it.

Thats positive 🙂

Mark,
Bare with me on this one & try not to take offence!

Last saturday when you popped into the bookies to shelter from the rain & watched people playing the machines was a post that i knew would soon be followed by a relapse. I have seen so many people regress after what they see as successfully testing themselves.
228 days of non gambling is great but it doesnt prove anything other than this is a disease that doesnt disappear & that you were in remission & not recovery.
Whether you won or lost yesterday is irrelevent unless your motivation is to stop losing rather than stop gambling.

Whats your motivation for stopping Mark?
Why did you feel the need to have a punt yesterday?

Your post above seems a justification of relapse & its no big thing.

I dont waste my time or my breath, on people who i can see have no desire to quit. I dont think you are one of those people Mark, which is why i have commented.

No offence taken day@atime.

My motivation for stopping more than anything is my mental well being. Not to live each day with constant thoughts about gambling, how I can regain losses, chasing that next buzz.

After 200+ days I was feeling thay id beaten this addiction. I obviously know I cant ever go back to being a normal gambler, someone who only bets for fun. The odd bet on the footy where win or lose it doesnt involve chasing losses or using winnings to get another buzz.

I dont have an answer for yesterday. I certainly didnt leave for a day in town to go gambling. But thats where I found myself after a couple of pints. In the bookies.. there was the empty fobt... Just went on autopilot and stuck 20 quid on one spin of the roulette machine... "Typical!" I muttered to myself when 34 dropped in and I had nothing on it. Only had about 6 quid left on me but somehow got it upto 50 quid. Thats when I got out of there.

But id started and I know what im like... There wasnt much chance that would be that.... So the next 90 mins was spent in another bookies.

To be honest the only reason I pulled myself out if there was coz I got a call from my mate who invited me up to his to watch the chelsea match.

So why did I gamble?
Thats the million doller question...
I really dont know...

1. Hi Mark,

You left a tiny gap in your triangle, you left some small hope with that addiction, it got its opportunity and sneaked in.

I am learning that even with 100% commitment, we cannot leave any tiny gap open, because the addiction will always be waiting for that tiny gap, it's all it needs, one small gap, one small bet, that can lead us back into the grip of it.

You won 100 pounds yesterday Mark, and you thankfully saw red and stopped.

Yesterday's taste of it was bitter sweet, if you let it in again it will get bitter bitter, there will be no sweet,

The longer we abstain the more we need to stay on guard, but staying on guard does get easier, as the days, months mount up, we cannot as CGs let complacency in while being on guard, no tiny gaps can be open, because we cannot ever beat this, and we cannot ever 100% trust ourselves.

Keep that positive thought and move on

Take care

Suzanne xx

Sonic.

Fella I see the link between visiting the bookies last week and your punt yesterday, for me there is fine line between accepting a life with addiction and accepting living in recovery.

The fact that you have accepted for your life gambling will bring destruction and that rather than hide your episode you choose to share it shows progression.

As far as walking away a winner I have witnessed on many occasions folk 'winning' the first episode when going back at it.

I would ask

Would you have walked away a winner if you had not had that pal call?

Who knows, bottom line is it did.

My friend I refuse to view life through that half empty glass I held for twenty years

Through the half full glass I would rather say you answered the phone, fella when I was at it I would have never answered my phone, I would have dumped the call,so for me again it's surely progression.

No doubt there will be a part of your brain jumping with joy

Sonic's back! .

I beg to differ my friend.

You contribute a great deal to the forum, nothing changed there either.

You have learnt a valuable lesson.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks suzanne and duncan for your posts

Today Ive been reflecting on yesterday. Although disappointed about my day count going up in smoke ive got to remember being on 100 200 300 days doesnt 'win' me anything. Im no better than someone on day 3. Cant aford to pit myself on a pedistal as mr gamble is only one moment from kicking me off it and laughing in my smug face

so its one day at a time again making the same decisions as someone on 2000 days make - today I will not gamble

Mark I've just read through your diary posts and read about what happened after seeing your post on the forum.

The day count doesn't matter, as you say it's just a number and doesn't 'win' a thing.

You already know that, but what those days done this year do is show you a better life without gambling. You appreciate how much better life is without gambling.

You actually escaped without financial loss this time but in the long term we know we cannot ever win. Not one CG here that hasn't got debts or losses from gambling. Use your sound logic, strength and determination to get you through this time when you must be on your guard more than ever.

Huge amount of support and positivity through this site for you. Take strength in that and keep making the right choices. I know you can do it 🙂

Clare

Thanks clare & GT for your posts.

I dont feel any joy at winning money. In some ways Im feeling it would have been better if Id lost.

I have to believe that feeling like this is positive as i have no urges that its an easy way of making money.

Its not even about the money.

Im just feeling sad and disappointed in myself.

I'll bounce back soon enough though.

Hi Mark,

You haven't lost any time or days with your recovery, you had a blip, but you have carried on I think you have bounced back already lol, you have been bruised but no bones have been broken, and that is very positive.

Suzanne xxx

Good to hear you're still straight on the right path again. We all know the days don't matter in the big scheme of things.

Stay strong Mark .. In a a few days I'm sure you'll start to feel better and more positive. Just a blip try not to dwell on it... You're doing great this year and that's what matters.

Clare

Hi Mark.

Four days has soon passed by 🙂 well done.

Only 96 days you'll be joining me again in the century club !

Clare 🙂

Thanks clare, seems a long way off but im not worrying about that. Just taling each day as it comes.

I know ive made huge strides since joining here. Last night there was a full fixture list of football on and I completely forgot there were on - 18 months ago I would have been doing a few accumulators on those matches. Just for the buzz of it.

Learn to live life without that artificial high and your half way to beating this addiction.

Nice to see you're still on track for nearly a week now.

Hope it's getting a little easier as time goes on.

Clare 🙂

Hey Mark.

Nice to see you checking in earlier in the week.

Hope things are going well this week for you. Congrats on day 12

Clare 🙂