One day at a time

Pleased with myself for resisting placing football bets on boxing day then again yesterday. Theres funds to gamble with in my bank but need those to pay bills on 2 Jan. So thats where the money will stay! Got to remember that life will always be better without gambling in it!!

Hi Mark,

Just popping in to wish you a very happy and safe New Year

Suzanne xx

Hi Mark, thanx for dropping my on my diary 🙂

Imagine my surprise seeing your diary title. I haven't trawled through your posts but I have read this diary & I completely get where you were coming from continuing your 'controlled' gambling. My poison is the slots & I too have continued to do the odd lottery & scratch card but maintain my count. It did appear as I was going through that you became more focused on the sports & I was anxious for you. I knew you had slipped because of your day tally & I am gutted for you but by the same token, this has been insightful for you & you left your bill money in your account which is an achievement in itself 🙂 You have to figure out where you go from here & if you are going to carry on ensure that you maintain your honesty about whether you are sticking to limits, only risking what you can afford to lose & not chasing any losses on sports you don't follow, just to get another bet on!

I can't give you any advice as to how to do this though, I have substituted my fruit machine gambling with addictive games (described by someone as crush games - do NOT download that) & trawling gambling recovery sites. I was a bit worried when I found myself waking up to play extra lives & almost ended up removing an APP but compared to the pull of the machines, once I dediced I was going to keep an eye on that, I got a grip. Being here 'too much' doesn't scare me as I am still learning so much about the disease & what future choices I need to make. I was loathe to post early on & I still get anxious when one of the stalwarts does not get there before me but having watched people attribute their recovery to unwavering support from fellow men I am just desperate to let people know that we care! Crazy isn't it that when gambling we don't care about the untold destruction we are causing & the second we stop our hearts are going out to complete strangers. I know you feel that your debt is a noose around your neck but it is a few thousands less than when you started your journey (assuming it was as ambitious a starting total as you realised it was) & many thousands less than if you hadn't made that conscious decision to fight for your recovery. Next time the credit card companies tell you they are increasing your limit, make the phone all to say 'no ta'...You said earlier, what is another few hundred when you are in this deep but you know that it's a few spins of madness & a new low not to mention extra time with the financial burden hanging over you.

Best wishes for 2015 & smashing right through your 6 month record, 'gamble' free into 2016 - ODAAT

Thanks for your posts -Emily Suzanne and ODAAT

Odaat - yes any future credit increased will be refused as whats the point - im trying to repay all my debts not increase them!

Also im signed up for the 2015 challenge so have commited to not gamble on ANYTHING.

I worry myself thinking too far ahead about all the games of football that are gonna be played between now and the end of the season so im tryin focus more on TODAY. As long as i stay gamble free on any particular day theres no reason to stress on any potential feelings/urges thay may or may not be felt in the future.

Lots of football on today but clearly im really focused at the moment so theres zero chance of me messing up.

Hi Mark,

Thanks again for the post earlier in the week. Don't know about you but I'm writing off December 2014 as a bad month. It's gone, it's done, it can't be changed. Today it's a new year and a new start, I'm wiping my slate clean.

I just wanted to share something with you that I saw on Facebook this morning. A cousin of mine was complaining that she had a hangover and was at work. I quote "what is wrong with these a******s? They're shaking the doors - as if they can't wait another 10 minutes until opening time to start losing all their money'

You've guessed it - she works in a bookies. I didn't realise until this morning. This is what the people who work in bookies/casinos etc really think of us. To them it's a job and we're nothing more than the idiots that keep them in it while they're silently laughing at us. She's my cousin and I love her but that is (unknowingly) what you and I are to her and no doubt many others.

Today, let's not be those idiots and keep what we have in our own pockets.

Stay strong

Jess

Hi Jess,

Yes December was a bad month financially for me. Its put my debts up to probably 2 more months of repayments. However its been and gone like you said and 2015 can be the year that we give nothing more to the industry.

Yes, the industry needs people like your cousin to be the 'face' of the outfit. Often wonder where our lost money eventually ends up.. Their new sign up offers make me laugh... Spend 10 quid and get 50 quid to play with... What we're supposed to think 'ooohh thats good of them giving us free money!' when the reality is that money is from us gamblers in the first place, its just a clever marketing tool.

Those stupid competitions on tv where you ring or txt a number (£1.50 a pop) and you win a new car and 20,000 cash... So what, thats generous of the tv station? Not really - they get 100,000 entries thats 150,000 capital and they hand out a small percentage of that to the winner and the rest they keep. Just like the gambling industry do with they 'generous offers'.

Hi NT,

Yes theres not a day goes by that you dont hear see adverts trying to get new customers. Its disgraceful and like I said elsewhere on another post I really fear for the next generations of gamblers, all those 15,16 and 17 year olds who will be the problem gamblers of the future.

The industry is not interested in the punters who come in once a year for the grand national, they want to get people like us hooked.

Those FOBT's are the big money makers - I hate them with a passion!

I wouldnt say we were greedy either, a lot of gamblers like ourselves get hooked on the buzz that comes with gambling. Winning money wasnt my primary reason for playing. I know that sounds crazy but the addiction was to play roulette - unfortunately it costs money to do so!!

I guds only a fellow gambler understands the above. The need to play is greater that the desire to win money. You could be a premierleague football player on 60,000 a week yet still have a gambling problem.

Hi Mark,

It's good to read that you are now not going to spend even one penny on any form of gambling.

2015 will be such a better year as long as we keep abstaining and maintaining,.

Suzanne xx

Just got back from a 90 min walk. I NEVER go for walks but was nice getting a bit of exercise. I live real close to the countryside so was quite scenic.

Better use of my time than being inside a bookies thats for sure.

Just watching the darts, obviously the players and poss avid fans know all the positions of the numbers... My mind wandered to the roulette table... Obviously after hundreds of hours sat watching I know all the positions on the wheel...

Wonder if that will fade away from my memory in time

find it amusing how my mind randomly drifts to roulette from watching a darts match

Just puttin my thoughts down... Not having any urges to gamble even though i had a thought about roulette...

Thanks Emily... your a fellow scorpio I believe - check out the pic im going to upload from todays Sun newspaper - how spooky is that!!

Hi Mark,

Just read your last post - I think thoughts like that will always persist. In the same way that a tune on the radio can remind you of holidays or summers gone by, associations trigger "gambling memories" in me too. What confuses me is that 1) I look back almost fondly, whereas in reality gambling is a destructive and entirely negative pursuit, completely unlike holiday memories etc, and 2) I never worry that these triggered memories will turn into an urge that Ill act on, somewhere somehow i have disconnected a link, and I think previously whilst my resolve was weak and the "want" to gamble was always in the background of my mind it might well have only taken one of these memories to get me to log on and return me to the cycle of gambling - these days something has changed, which I am very thankful for - it sounds like you are in the same position, good stuff !.

Hope all is going well, keep on keeping on.

FM.

The roulette machine is always in my mind too , I remember in the bookies I used to move with the ball and know exactly where it was going to fall after in spun , even the masses that surround your machine would tell you then expect some kind of cut because they told you so.

The whole fobt thing seriously messed my head up , have to say now im on day 9 and it feels good and my life is slowly being picked up from the floor.

The main thing is im more attentive to my partner , spend more time with my little boy and seem less grumpy.

Hi ya Mark, I could have written FallenMan's post were I slightly more eloquent & a lot less fond of exclamation marks! I guess it was because it was such a huge part of our lives & I suppose you cannot undo learning which effectively you were doing @ the wheel, albeit in a rather warped way! Good for you getting out in the fresh air...You must be made of hardy stuff to be out that long! I have a dog (only when he's behaving, the rest of the time he belongs to OH) & found rather than begrudging the time it used to take to walk him, getting out in the earlier stages of my recovery was somewhat therapeutic.

Glad to see you staying strong, keep @ it - ODAAT

Thanks for the recent comments on my diary.... Ive not posted much lately. Still gamble free... day 23 now.

Not had any urges for ages now but not surprising as have limited money left till payday in 2 weeks time.

Feeling determined and even stayed strong last week whilst travelling to sunderland / liverpool game. Mates in car placing small bets online but told em I wasnt interested.