Onwards and Upwards.....

Hi Prim and welcome or welcome back to the forum :)).

I'll sort of try and respond to this post and the one new members , I can't advise about DMP'S as I've not been there but I know about the debt I accumulated and I'm a CG , so I suppose weve 2 things in common already ? .

I think the initial emotions we all go through after hitting that " Rock Bottom " are just awfull and I can empathise with those feeling all to well , also the fact that if it hadn't been for my kids I probably wouldn't have hung around for too much longer .

As you say your main concern is not to gamble again and at least if you can achieve that , it'll start looking better as the debt's wont be increasing . Maybe just look at doing the simple things at the moment , puting some blocks in place by , self excluding or installing blocking software and limiting your access to funds is a start you could aim for ? , We know you can always get around these but it may afford you a little time to think and question yourself before jumping back in after a couple of day's abstainance .

I'm sur after afew day's things will improve thought wise and you'll be able to tackle the dealing of debt , as for your job , well as you said also just deal with it if it arises , youv'e enough on your plate with getting things sorted without worrying about anything else , that being said , if youv'e had a clean work record up to now would that really be something your employer would do ? .

Sorry I can't help you more with your concerns but really wanted to say Hi and to let you know your not alone in dealing with this anymore , were all in the same sorts of situation and fully understand the way you feel at the moment :)).

Have you thought of speaking with gamcare for advice regarding the DMP ? I'm sure they would either have or put intoiuch with someone who could answer your concerns .

Look after yourself and I know it's easy for me to say but don't beat yourself up too much , It'll get better I promise :))

Best wishes and talk with you soon Alan

Hi Alan

Thanks for the reply. I am booking myself in for some counselling. The gamblock thing just doesnt work for me at all, I end up re-installing the hard drive to get rid of it lol. What I have done is self excluded and will be cutting up my bank cards as soon as the DMP is up and running. At the moment I just dont trust myself with credit and luckily im maxed out everywhere so I dont have anyway. I dont have a penny to my name till I get paid but I will get by somehow....

Best wishes to you too x

Day 4 today

Im sitting here with that horrible thought. Maybe just £50 and I might win. I know I wont and even if I did i would blow it. I havent got £50 anyway. Theres always a way round that though.

Ive started knitting a blanket lol. How grannyish is that? But its kind of helping.

But not really. I dont feel very strong.....

Hi prim stay strong I've also took up knitting 🙂 I know what you mean it's not exactly the 'buzz' we get from gambling but it'll have a hell of a lot happier outcome 🙂 stay safe hun I know there's happiness after gambling it's just going to be tough at times but so worth it Lu x

Hi again Prim :)) . It really doesn't matter what you do to take your mind away from gambling , anything will do just as long as you get a little space between you and your last bet and make sure the gap keeps getting wider , it's funny you knitting a blanket as one of my old buddys on here started crocheting a blanket for his son and even uses the first couple of squares of it as an avatar on his diary page ,not sure how big it's got now , about the size of a football pitch probably ,LoL !.

Jigsaw puzzle's are supposed be be good as well in case you get fed up of the knitting , those thoughts will come and go for a while , you know you won't win right ? , and even if by some miracle you did it still wouldn't stop there as with us it's really not about the money anymore just the buzz , so you hanging on to anything would be quite slim I should think , that's why it's so hard to let go off , all those " Just one more bet" thoughts whizzing around but all that does is justify gambling to yourself and keep you in the cycle of destruction .

You have to accept gamblings beat you , let go of all those losses then there's no need to keep going back to chase it again .

I said to somebody on here the other day that It's almost fear of the unknown that keeps you gambling , you get worried what life's going to be like without gamling in it ,but It's like learning to swim for the first time , you cling to the side of the pool and when you finally let go you realise your not going under , you kick your legs and move your arms and start moving forward . Just let go It'll be fine :))

Best wishes

Alan x

Ps Lu above , was the person I said it to , spooky coincidence or what !!!

Thank you both for the replies. Im going to keep knitting until I run out of wool....

I dont even want to play any more. I just want to win back the money Ive lost so i could pay all my debts back and start again. Its not gonna happen though because when I am actually playing it is about the buzz. I feel sick every day when get up and the feeling when youve gambled the night before and lost everything is the worst feeling ever. I dont want to feel that again. I think thats worse than knowing I will still be trying to pay off my debts when Im 80.....

The moneys gone. I know that. I wish ths voice in my head would f*** off as quick as the money did though....

What are you knitting Lulu??

Hi Prim I'm knitting baby clothes and going to send them or take them in to premature baby unit at my hospital. I'm not very experienced so there's a knitting group I'm joining tonight to get ppl to help me when I get stuck lol. Alan gives fab advice and knowledge Prim it's helped me loads especially the fear of letting go of gambling. Since I've faced that fear I feel so much better and much more positive. Have you any blocks in place? I can say though that even with blocks you need will power too. Gambling makes you lose everything and more,I'm early days but even now feeling benefits. The buzz will come back eventually in normal everyday activities and hobbies and the sense of satisfaction when you achieve say a knitting project. Do you have a lot of free time? If so there's loads of volunteering opportunities that are interesting too. Keep busy Prim but also be good to yourself and chill with DVDs or music. Stay on here and read loads it'll help. Wish you all best Prim and I'm always around if you need to talk. Lu x

Hi Prim and well done on fighting the urges. I keep myself occupied by reading, jigsaws, word searches etc., anything to keep you focused on something else in the early days as well as the blocks in place. It does get easier as the days clock up but you can never go back to it else it will take hold of you again x best wishes x

Well today is day 8 or day 9 maybe im not sure. I had my first counselling session which was ok. Unfortunately they cant speak to me again until Ive seen a pyschiatrist so I have no idea when I will speak to them again. I need to see my GP to arrange an appointment but firstly getting the appointment is a nightmare itself, and secondly getting them to take any notice that I need to see someone is gonna be a nightmare. My mental health has been an issue for years so I know I need to sort that out first and I also came to realise that my gambling isnt the cause of my mental health problems (ive had those long before the gambling) my gambling is an effect of my mental health. I dont even bloody like gambling. I know why I do it and its never really been about money, its more of a place to escape everything else going on in my head and all the trouble it causes kind of takes my mind off all the other issues I have. Does that make any sense to anyone? Its time I tackled my problems head on so I need to get that drs appointment and start the ball rolling. I feel a weird calmness about myself right now. Im not even worried about the debt situation any more even though its gonna be hanging over me for the rest of my life.....

Hi Prim it makes sense to me I suffer mental health problems take medication etc you'd do well to see someone it could help you very much and as a result the gambling issues. If you want to talk anytime I'm always around take care Lu x

Today is day 16. Not feeling very strong today. Or anything. I feel sad and numb really. I feel like theres not much to look forward to.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Don't think I've said hello before, so "hello" 🙂

Sorry to hear that you're feeling the way you do. It's tough in the early days and you're bound to feel a bit rubbish. Reading you're post above, I'm wondering how you're doing with the Dr's appointment? Did u manage to get one? I think you've been around long enough to understand that getting on top of the underlying issues will be key for you.

You said ..." its more of a place to escape everything else going on in my head and all the trouble it causes kind of takes my mind off all the other issues I have. Does that make any sense to anyone?".... makes absolute sense to me. It was exactly what I was doing. It was something I learnt in counselling.... "The pain you know is familiar and, by causing it yourself, you at least feel in control.You know how things will turn out since, without realising it, you have engineered it that way"....

Keep pushing. LifeBegins x

Hi Samson and LB

Thank you for the replies...

Today has been better. It hasnt helped that most of my creditors have rejected my offers of payment through my DMP and ive been getting the dreaded default letters through. I feel like some sort of criminal and im worried when my work do my next credit check it will all hit the fan.. There is the possibility that I will lose my job because of all this. Im kind of worried about it but at the same time feeling calm because at the end of the day I cant control it, its their decision and me worrying about it wont change anything. Same with the bank letters, I cant pay them so whats the point of worrying?

Ive not gambled. Something in me feels different this time. I dont know what it is but I dont want to gamble. That feeling when you wake up in the morning and realise what youve done. I dont ever want to feel that again. Its a different feeling now, still mostly a feeling of dread at the thought of what Ive done but its nothing compared to that other feeling.

LB - the dr, I did see a lovely dr eventually after I had some sort of minor hysterics on the phone when I couldnt get an appointment. The dr who i had the minor hysterics with saw me the next morning and I told her everything. She was lovely. She referred me to the pyschiatrist and Ive got an appointment next tues to be 'assessed'. Im not sure what the out come of that will be. She mentioned Bi-Polar more than once but Im pretty sure I suffer with borderline personality disorder. Maybe I dont suffer with anything and I was just born miserable? I will know more next tuesday. Once Ive been there then I can get back on track with the counselling.

I dont even know if I need counselling.... I dont even know if it will help.. All I do is cry. And how does talking help anyway? I dont trust people very much at all. Will it help? Has anyone had counselling? Did it help? x