Our Struggles Make Us Stronger

Nice post Sam your getting philosophical in your old age lol what you say about encouraging others is nice to hear,after all it's one big support network. Just from reading your diary it shines through how passionate you are about doing right by your son. With the access issues still not completely nailed down the old Sam might've used this as an excuse to gamble but it's great to read of your mature sensible attitude and with the offer to pop round and see him anytime maybe your ex can see it to. Onwards and upwards my friend wishing you continued success 🙂

Thanks for the comments Being Present, Deano and New Beginning!

You're right nb about the old me who used to go to gambling to get away from life's problems only to create even more. It's like drinking poisin to make us better, now that's philosophical lol!

All the best

Welcome to the Century Club Sam 🙂

As you say, mixed news about the little one but sounds like an adult conversation was had which is exactly what you need to be doing going forwards. You will make it work - ODAAT

Hey Sam

Well done on 100 days ☺

Keep on keeping on, it will only get better

S x

After reading around the forum and hearing a lad mention the other night at GA about how ‘It’s different this time’ it got me thinking. Now I have said this many times in the past only to relapse and fall back into the gambling trap. The thing is it really does feel different this time for me lol! It got me thinking as to why this time is different compared to all the others.

I have known for a long time I’ve had a problem with gambling and sooner or later I would have to give it up so the awareness was always there. When I stopped gambling before it’s not because I wanted to, I felt that I had to! It drove me crazy and takes more than just money as well all know. I was getting deeper in debt and my life was becoming unmanageable. But I still wanted to gamble. I thought by stopping the most recent form (there were many different forms) of gambling that caused the problem at the time then I’d be fine as I was no longer ‘addicted’ to others e.g. poker, lottery etc. Basically I still wanted to gamble but without all the negative consequences.

This is why I feel this time is different. A few months ago not only did I know I needed to stop, I actually wanted to stop! Even the months leading up to my last bet I wasn’t enjoying gambling. I was doing it as a means to supplement my income (please don’t laugh) and somehow thought that by winning money and clearing my debt that all my problems would disappear. The thing is I was gambling to escape from my problems and my life in general. This only compounded the depressive feelings when I was missing my son and with everything going on with his mum. I wasn’t living, I was simply existing.

For the first time in my life I needed and more importantly wanted to seek recovery, not just abstain from gambling. I knew it was going to be extremely difficult and I couldn’t do it alone which is why I sought as much support as I could get. Telling family and friends the whole truth, the forum here and especially going to GA. I always put off going to GA before but maybe I wasn’t ready then. Maybe it was the right time a few months ago for me to try it as I was open minded and willing to listen.

In summary, this time is different because I want it. If the one thing I can’t do is have a bet then that’s ok. It’s a small price to pay if it helps me get better and stay in recovery.

Keep moving forward

This makes perfect sense to me! Although I'm still in the infancy with my recovery something feels different. I have embraced the process rather than thinking I suppose I better stop I actually want to stop. With some people it's a gradual process for me it felt like a light bulb moment.And like you say not having a bet is a small thing in a world where there's lots going on. I am a grown man of nearly 40 years I have a son a step daughter and a beautiful partner and good job and yet my life was determined by where a small ball landed on a spinning wheel how mental is that? Of course we can all talk a good game and say the right things I mean after all we compulsive gamblers become very adept at lying and telling people what they want to hear but the only way we can prove it is one day at a time. Great to hear your doing so well Sam enjoy your weekend

Well it's been an interesting week. The little man stayed over for the first time last weekend and all went well. To be able to do the simple things like feed, bath and put him to bed for the night was fantastic. Seeing his little face in the morning as he woke up is one I'll never forget. I thought he would have been strange but he just smiled before rubbing his eyes. Had him back at his mum's for lunchtime fed, watered and well rested so it was a success!

Another brilliant meeting at GA the beginning of the week but I'll not get into it too much. Let's just say the strength I got from it would be needed the next couple of days.

Arrived home from work the next day to a phone call informing me my grandparents house had been burgled. As I rush to the car to get down as soon as possible I turn the key and nothing. Car wouldn't start. Arrived at their house shortly after anyway to see the house ranshacked and basically all their cash stolen. They weren't in when it happened which is a positive though. I would call the culprits s******s but that's being too nice to them. Police came and went and we got the house cleaned and tidied up and I stayed just to make them feel a little safer. It just shows you how unfair life can be. I would love to meet the ones responsible so they can be taught a lesson.

The following day I spent half of it trying to get the car sorted even though I wanted to be down with my grandparents. Tried jump starting it to no avail and it was left at the bottom of a c*l-de-sac against the kerb. Plenty of room for cars to get past and even a bus if need be. As I waited for it to be towed the local bus arrived tooting his horn asking the car to be moved. I calmly explained it had broken down and can't be moved (at the bottom of the hill on a roundabout). He only had to reverse as well so no problem there. He came back an hour later and starts giving off again even making a rude hand gesture. This is when I saw red. Went after the bus while he was reversing and got to the window and told him exactly what he needed to hear. I even invited him off the bus to sort it out but by then he had shut his mouth and drove off like a coward. In hindsight I'm glad he didn't step of the bus for his own sake. Some neighbours seen it all and couldn't believe the way the driver was acting.

It's the first time I got really angry in a long time and looking back at it I suppose it was the frustration of what happened my grandparents coming out. I actually felt like I dealt with it all pretty well! Complaint has been made about the driver not that it will do any good. Just got word the car has been fixed so picking her up later. Hopefully the insurance company will show some compassion to my grandparents and not throw in a lowball offer.

Apart from all that everything is great! No gambling to report and long may it continue.

Keep moving forward

So I had this big message typed out sounding all worldly wise and eloquent when in actual fact I decided not to and just say I'm glad your grandparents are ok and you are able to be there for them. Glad the car is fixed and your doing well. Top dad and a top bloke. Have a good weekend,you deserve it.

Perspective.

A few things have happened recently and I’ve heard a few stories at GA that made me get some perspective in my life. I really do have it good in a lot of ways; A handsome and healthy son, good job(s), nice house, a loving family, good personal health amongst other things. It's easy to look at the negatives and what we don't have instead of what we do have. Then we see or hear something to give us much needed perspective. It's not long before we realise what all we have to be thankful for and if that's not enough and you still want more, go and do the necessary to get what you want. Put in the extra hours at work, go to the gym more often, set aside that grudge you've been holding and make amends, go get that qualification needed to further your career, spend more quality time with your loved ones.

For me gambling took away my perspective. I looked at everything through those ‘gambling goggles’ (one of Duncs phrases) which skewed my view on reality. Those first few days gamble free were very tough facing myself in the mirror and seeing the truth – a broken man (but a good man) in more ways than one. I had lost my way and didn’t know how to change my path. It was then I decided to get into recovery as my life had become unmanageable. Since then slowly but surely I have regained my focus on what’s important in life. I still need little reminders to help put things into perspective of course.

I have a good life but I know it could be better. It’s up to me to do the necessary things to make it better whilst also remaining humble and thankful for what I do have.

Bit of a ramble lol. Keep moving forward

Hey Sam,
Just wanted to say what a great post that was.... I can really relate to it at the moment.

All the best
Damo

Great post Sam, a nice positive read to start to my day - thanks!!

A key part of recovery is the effort we put into ourselves, into changing the things that made us unhappy during our darkest gambling days.

That's something I've really discovered during my counselling sessions. It's not just about simply stopping gambling... we need to work everyday on all those things we haven't worked on - relationships, fitness, career etc. Focussing on these things is much more positive and let's us (like you say) be thankful for the lives we have again 🙂

Onwards and upwards mate.

I’ve often read and listened to CG’s ask , “what can I do to keep my mind occupied when I have urges and to stay away from gambling?” or words to that effect. I tried this also years ago and found it only works for a while. To me it feels a bit like running away from the problem (or problems). In the first few days and weeks though it is necessary to stay gamble free by whatever means necessary and if that means keeping busy all the time then so be it. I think there will come a time though when we need to face our problems, look at the damage caused and be proactive in making much needed changes in our lifestyle. Taking time to sit down and actually process everything that has happened and recognise the changes that have already been made i.e. abstaining from a bet, being honest with family & friends etc.

A key factor in my recovery so far has been taking responsibility for my actions. I chose to place those bets and borrow more money to cover the losses. I chose to hide it all from my loved ones and lie to them that ‘everything was alright’. I chose to put on a happy face and convince myself that the elusive ‘one big win’ would magically solve all problems, financially and otherwise. Of course there are reasons why I decided to gamble all those years but none of them are responsible for me gambling. I am also responsible for my own recovery. I have had a lot of help and support along the way but I do realise that if I really wanted to gamble I could and most likely would. The thing is I don’t want that life anymore with all the drama and uncertainty it brings.

Today I choose to continue my recovery

Good man! Excellent post- so many people play victims, and blame everything and everyone. I honestly believe accountability is the first major step.

You will be fine Sam! You really are in a place i would give anything to be in right now.

Keep taking your medicine ha

All the best

Thanks Colt! You're right accountability is a major step and one that needs to be taken to enter recovery. I am in a good place at the minute and I'm grateful everyday for all the help and support I've received. I won't get complacent though, addiction will always be there lurking in the shadows and I know I will never be 'cured' and I'm ok with that. One Day At A Time as they say!

Now then Sam

Hows it going continuing your recovery??