Out of the shadows

Cw don't get me wrong my freinds are not gambaling addicts like me. They like to gamble but it's just fun for them. It's not just always gambaling with them I'm just saying a for instance.

I know I'm a compulsive gambaler. And I realise doing the football isn't a good idea when it comes to it. But I also realise recovery won't work because I don't want it to. With out wanting to give it 100 percent I'm keeping myself mentally in no man's land.

Loxxie it's exactly what I miss the social side of gambaling.

Deano,
I actually find it quite refreshing to hear someone say they dont want to stop gambling. Much more honest than half of the posts on here.
Pretty sure it wont end well but i think you know that too.

day@atime wrote: Deano, I actually find it quite refreshing to hear someone say they dont want to stop gambling. Much more honest than half of the posts on here. Pretty sure it wont end well but i think you know that too.

heard that said

best to you Deano whatever your choice. give it a lot of thought before you continue. tri

Hi Deano,

Thank you for the support and understanding. I wish I had a more helpful or insightful offering but, my own head is in such a mess right now. Keep searching and stay strong. -joanxx

Why do I gamble? Greed
When everything is going right it's like I want it to go wrong.
5 long year's and one moment of madness and bang back in the slot house. I chased the money all day long. I got lucky because I had more cash than the machine could swallow. Winning a football bet last night started a chain reaction of skipping work to go on a binge.
How do you control it?
Why does it have more power than the rational side of my brain.
I mean once the session is over I can be me again.
Why are we so different when we gamble?
I need to get myself together and stop messing about.
I can do this I know I can
But I need to find the want.

Fella your post could have been taken from any day of my active gambling life.

Greed?? For me it was purely about escape, whilst gambling I would wholly commit,the world could have been destructing around me and I would have simply carried on regardless.

The act was to stay in action for as long as possible, loss meant I found purpose in the act of trying to rectify the problem.

For me like running around a never ending circle, ever decreasing in opportunity.

The day it changed was the day I admitted that I was powerless in gamblings presence, I was ashamed of its ability to control my every thought and the outcome of destruction.

The bottom line for me whilst active was I never had an end game, there was simply no financial gain at which would provide what I craved.

I respect addiction for its all consuming power, I live within it's walls because by doing so I have taken control.

I am one punt away from destruction, every compulsive gambler shares that mantle in my opinion.

I didn't want to stop the action, for twenty years I gave it everything I had, but fella once I did stop the realisation that I actually had and still do all I wish for in my life at my disposal came to be a way to live.

It awaits every compulsive gambler, the black and white

The ability to win.

By the act of pursuing an end game. For us abstinence.

I lived by a mantra

I cannot win because I cannot stop.

Today, just for today that again got turned up on it's head.

I did win because I did stop.

I wholly appreciate what you write, it brings huge therapy.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

I am an addiction

i start in small subtle ways promising many things
I promise you enjoyment and pleasure beyond your wildest dreams
I deliver guilt and despair more horrible than your worst nightmare
I promise you power and courage
I give you feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness
I will force you to live in fear always
I promise you relief and escape from all your daily problems
I create for you greater problems than you ever imagined
I promise you many friends
I only allow isolation
I promise happiness
I create much sorrow
I will steal from you your dignity, your familes, your friends, your children, your homes, your dreams, your spirit and your life
For love freedom and happiness are impossible to find in my presence
So never underestimate me
I am devious and manipulating
I have no preference as to who i pick as my victim, rich or poor, young or old, black, white, yellow or red
I have killed men, women and children- I have no conscience
So if you have met me, always beware if you think you can beat me, that i will be gone from your life and all will go well again
Never forget i will always be there, waiting in the dark shadows just around the corner
I am very patient and i will laugh in your face if i can lure you into my evil world of hell on earth once again
I AM ADDICTION

"Why does it have more power than the rational side of my brain?"

d**n mate, if you find the answer to that one you are going to make a heck of a lot of money, and putting a few bookies out of business too. Heck, I know when I'm gambling that I'll never really walk away with a win, and even when I do, its temporary until I give it all back again. Trying to keep the rational side of the brain on top is the tough thing, and accepting that the chase of a big win ultimately makes a reasonably good life pretty miserable by taking away all the disposable income, and a fair bit I could use for food and basics too.

Gambling's just a turncoat bully who loves to trip you up and kick you when you're down. Nothing to do but get back up and not turn your back on the little b*****d.

Keep fighting,

Ryan

Thanks for the replys duncs, Oldham, ryan

I'm not going to dwell on it because I can't change it now
I've known for a long time that just one bet is the pathway to oblivion. I just didn't really want to accept it. I'm my own worst enemy. I'm probably arrogant in believing Im different. But I'm not I'm just fooling myself. There is a person inside who screams what are you doing. You don't want to do this. You know what the outcome will be. I never let the rational side get a glimpse of the surface. I walk in the place like I'm a celebrity with my hood covering my face just in case someone sees me. I don't want people seeing my weakness
It's embarrassing.
If I had half the belife I can do this. That my wife has in me to do it. I'd never look back.
Every time I fail she picks me back up. I've given her the accounts my cash everything she won't take it. She believes I need to live a normal life.
The question is can I?

whats normal?

You Bst'd , dragging me back on here when I've just hung up me Gamcare boots ( Made me look a right plonker now ) .

I couldn't ignore you Deano so here's my two penneth .

You are me twenty five years ago ( give or take a few ) :)) .

You said "I got lucky because I had more cash than the machine could swallow " , and way back then when everything was great and I was early thirties and invincible , I was awash with cash , life was great and the money was rolling in faster than I could spend it and I like you could take on anything betting wise , if I lost then up went the stakes without a second thought and I could chase all night long until eventually I'd get the return and hey if the worse came to the worse then there was always more where that came from , no problem !.

Simply put that was all before the machines , the lottery , the online slots , so stacked in the industries favour took over and I had a reasonable chance of getting most of my wonga back , either on the Dogs or Horses , nothing guaranteed of course but usually .

What if last night you hadn't got that return and you'd blown a huge pot of money ?

Would you have returned the next day and the next or could you have stopped and walked away ?

And where from there do you go ?

Back to the old cycle my friend , Win chase lose , all day long !!.

When I said " You are me 25 yrs ago " , your not mate , your much more wiser and cleverer than I was , your here seeking help and thats something until recently I didn't do . I didn't get out fast enough and that's something I deeply regret now , not just for the huge sums I've lost , that means nothing anymore but the time I lost , the time I can never get back , the time I could have used so much more productively , enjoying life , enjoying my family , some of whom are no longer here for me to chew the cud with , thats what really guts me to the core .

I guess what I'm trying to say is Don't allow yourself to become me having the " I'm earning plenty , f**k it " attitude , waiting longer and longer thinking that it's all ok and youv'e got your whole life ahead of you to quit and seek the life that deep down you really want ,because for you just like me life will pass you quickly and in twenty years it could be you instead of me , sat here reflecting on lifes losses and missed opportunities speaking to someone 25 yrs your junior begging them not to make the same mistakes you have .

Ultimately it's your choice but rest assured Deano that at some point , maybe not soon but somewhere in that future of yours , life will turn to s**t , the money will go and you will lose those around you that you love and because of gambling , theres no happy ending there Bud and as everyone has pretty much said " It's a slippery slope " that your again teetering on the edge of , whatever you think you can or can't control you know deep down that once you start gambling it's only gonna get worse . You do have to stop mate and stop completely , you said that you miss the social side of things with the family but you can still be sociable without gambling, your not doing this for them , it's for you and if there a family or group of friends then they'll accept it and if not , well " f**k em " , live life as you want not to fit in with what they want .

Please Stop mate , if not for me then old Harold will do just fine :)) .

I'm going back to sleep now and putting the do not disturb sign up , so I'm not gonna be happy if I have to answer the call of nature again in the middle of the night .:((.

Can I just say thank you to all that left me post's too , it was really humbling , the diary will remain and I'll catch up from time to time xx.

Love ya Deeeno , you look after yourself and make the right choices me old mate xx

I've gambled 3 times in ten months total spend just under 400 quid 99 percent of that being yesterday. It's not perfection yet but it's a long way from where I was when I started.

Some may say thats manageable and fun gambling?

triangle wrote:

Some may say thats manageable and fun gambling?

Keep vigilent then soldier. Use all those arms

I've never really been a big gambaler inside the bookmakers
It usually is just go in stick the football on walk out. Don't pay attention. Don't start conversation. Get in get out.
Last Saturday probably woke up 4 am. To me the football season starting is like Christmas day.
The betting side of it. Is something I've never been massive on. I love the banter side of it my mate's all supporting my teams local rival's. Anyway I decided to take a fiver. Anything goes wrong I haven't lost much
I always make sure I don't look at the machines. Sitting there filling out my form's. I don't know if it's because I'm more aware of where I am. Or should I say where I shouldn't be but I notice the guy talking with 2 lad's both doing the football aswell. He was saying that we're doing a promotion today 5 pound free on the fobt
The lads didn't really look interested but took the offer anyway. Obviously they lost everybody always does.
Out they go laughing saying how crappie they are. 2 minutes later back they come this time chucking there own crisp 20s in to the fobt. "got ya"
At the till a sign Chelsea to wear blue anytime this season 10/1
Dopamine levels are through the roof. Printing money right?
He says you can have the odds if you sign up for a connect card
And the money back is in free bets. I decline I'm not signing up mate. Why it's free money he says. Because I don't want my bank account connected with any form of gambaling. He goes on with well you can just come in top it up then do your bets from home. He didn't take to kind when I told him if I was in there topping up my card to do my football I may as well be sticking it on whilst I'm in there. Then the card would be pointless. Then he informs me if you get other people ie family members to sign up as well. That's even more free bets.
There's no way on God's green earth I would link my bank to a gambaling account because I would be potless before the day was out. Anyway I refuse.
He then sticks a form on the counter if you change your mind fill the form in. Which I leave in front of him. Then comes do you want a free 5 pound on the fobt.
No I don't. What about a scratch card. Dam place has turned into subway.
The moral of the story is no matter how strong you think you are. A bookie is there to bleed people like me dry. There not the local community hub they say they are. There are a few who work in bookies that have a moral compass. But there as rare as a controlled gambaler these day's

From now on I don't plan on going back to doing the football
Or any other form of gambaling
I can have the banter without the bet.
This week has been a bit of a blur and it has been a misery.
I refuse to let gambaling addiction hold me back anymore
My first step is to go on beyond 142 day's.
Oau