Out of the shadows

Effectively I'm a drug addict. A drug created by my own body.

I could of walked away yesterday a winner. Bur it's the losing that makes me feel normal again.

Winning just means I can be there longer and the moment doesn't last till I've lost.
I can empty a machine and still I play knowing it's empty

I don't like the person I see in the mirror.

If I don't sought myself out now mentally I don't think I will see the next year out its fight or flight time.

Morning Bud , yeah your a drug addict , so welcome to the club :(( So what's the plan druggie , you gonna withdraw slowly or completely cleanse yourself of all the toxin that's coursing through your veins keeping you addicted or are you going to keep pumping yourself full of the same s**t for the rest of your life ?

Nothing's set in stone mate and you really do have a choice you know . I know it's tough Deano coz I've been there , clinging to the old me and doing the same stupid things week in week out , hoping that this weeks going to be different to every other week for the last 20 yrs , truth is it was never going to end differently until I and I alone made it different , sure you can go on living your life the way you do now and allowing yourself your bit of pleasure and escape and chances are you'll not do too much damage and everything will be just fine but you and I both know that it's addiction controlling you and not you keeping control of addiction and I don't think that's what you really want mate ? . Draw a line and start again , day 1 and just keep moving forward slowly , it's tried and tested and works . Xx

I lost count of the times I stayed, refilling a machine that I had emptied coz one day, once, I'd seen someone get a double jackpot & I wanted that! This isn't about money, you get that, although the lack of funds could well be what eventually breaks us!

I've said it before but I'd sunk lower than you financially before I realised I was down a hole so the correlation is not the same & I am still able to take comfort from a day gamble free but, you have given me food for thought & I am not the same person I was, to live with nowadays (I'll post it out when I get some proper time)! I am going through a 'healing process' though, recognising stuff I used to do because of guilt (like the ironing or dusting the table with my hands) & figuring out ways to do it (properly) now without a reason, just because it's stuff 'people' do. I'm happier with myself, I'm truer to myself but I'm not a happier person on the outside because I'm not faking it anymore.

Don't be afraid to jump up on a couch Deano, the results won't be immediate (just like stopping gambling hasn't made life all peaches & cream) but until you start healing the scars you're living a lie & addiction is slowly destroying you!

Keep fighting - ODAAT

Mate with my starsign I know all about crawling into my shell :)) I've done the same for many years , if something was wrong or someone had upset me I'd just clam up and expect everyone to understand how I felt and when they didn't or I got no apology it would fester deep within and I'd turn to my old companion the bookies for a bit of loving comfort .

Your wife although upset is probably quite relieved its nothing else that you were going to spring on her , we don't like dumping stuff on our loved ones and choose to carry the burden around inside ourselves but she's your soulmate the one person you should be able to confide in and let her see you for what you really are , warts n all , you'd expect her to come to you if she were in trouble , so where's the difference ? , it's just about macho bullmud that were all brought up to adhere to , show no weakness and all that rubbish , you can still be a man and admit your not perfect , its something our fathers and grandfathers didn't do but today we live in a different world , My partner loves my honesty ( along with my Big.................. Sense of humour ) and comments about it because she never had it in her Marriage , just lies deciet and half truths, and me ..?...... Well I just like girly chats now LOL .

You'll work it out mate xx

A hypocritical post coming your way.

You wouldn't of walked a way a winner. More likely just fuelling the flames of addiction more.

I can remember when you first came to these diarys and built up a 100 + days. The euphoria you felt, learning about addictions and on a crest of a wave. Waves eventually crash against rocks.

It would be nice to think this lasts for ever. Maybe for some it does, but for some it doesn't. We're possibly the latter.

I was told a while back on my diary that I was stuck on the theory side of addictions. Possibly you've got stuck in the addict limbo mud as well?

I think there's a lot of truth in the dry addict. Starving yourself from the drug of choice, yet never actually dealing with it.

In truth Dean, I haven't got a clue. This is a rambling random post. Keep posting, keep talking to Mrs / pals, no beating your self up and keep trying your best..And find the foundation that suits your structure

I've just had the biggest rollicking off my old man. Possibly what I needed. I'm 36 and I felt like I was 5 year's old.
I turned to my sister for some support and she turned me in
Tbh I'm grateful I can't live like this anymore I need all the help I can get. They have known for a long time about me being addicted bit I've probably glossed the c**P over it to them.
I only do it for a bit of fun these days I tell them the usual c**P
He can't understand why I'm so intent on wrecking everything I've worked for.
So today no lies no gloss the truth about where I am. The truth about who I am. I've probably lost all the respect from my family I had today. I guess that the price for living a lie
Anyway I'm grounded for a week and lights out at 9

For what it's worth, you've not lost my respect!

You're lucky it was only a week & lights out @ 9 sounds like a good plan 😉

I'm sure you havnt lost any of your families respect deanooooo
I reckon they'll respect you more for coming clean to them....now let them help you and support you....your one of the ones who first picked up when I was a wreck.....and you will always have my respect for that....and my thanks....
You can do this love...I've every faith that you will sort your head out and crack on with your journey xx

Now young Man you haven't lost my respect either and I'm sure if your family feel anything it's more shock than anything else and I'm equally sure they'll get over it .

Now what have I told you about telling fibs on people ? , get up to your room and don't come down until your ready to be good :)) Good foundations Buddy xx

Ps , I'd cut your sisters ponytails off for grassing you up though :)) x

Time for bed

https://youtu.be/fJ9rUzIMcZQ

Day 2 I've been here before a thousand time's it would be cliche to say this time I'm going to do it.
It's just common addict drivel.
Having spoken to my parents a lot last night i/we have decided it's best if I turn in full access to everything. Not to protect me. But to stop me from throwing away my families future. I didn't want it to come to this but Relapses are coming more common and now it's becoming unhealthy again.
The one thing I can promise is I will never stop trying to beat my gambaling addiction. I will overcome it

A big step you took yesterday but like you said a necessary one. Honesty is key not just with others but with yourself.

KTF

Deano! Thank you my brudda - I can see a party coming up. What you wearing? Haha!

As I said earlier, you've a lot to be thankful for and it sounds like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders since you fully came clean to your nearest and dearest. Well done matey, you know those around you love you, and will do anything to support you. The only person you're harming is yourself, and nobody wants to see a hurt Deano. You have strength and have proven before that you can abstain, it's that maintaining part thats the b****r isn't it? I have faith in you, we all do, you need to have faith in yourself. I know on here it's horses for courses. This time around, what has worked for me is that I refuse to be defined by gambling. I refuse to be that person, I deserve better. You deserve better too Deano, the self loathing that goes hand in hand with gambling is truly awful. You deserve better.

Anyway, who is Herman Muntz when he's at home?

xxx