Out of the shadows

Week one done
I haven't carried any cash this week. Apart from Friday I was given some money for a sandwich. It is a bit sucky bit it's necessary at the minute. I've given them the instructions of not giving it me back this year at least.
I'll take another look sometime early next year.
Last Sunday was a mess I woke up with the intention of gambaling
I sort of knew in my head I couldn't get through the day
I'll be honest I wanted to gamble

I thought take a ton if you lose it doesn't matter. Than ton saw me drive home twice to top up the funds in to my pocket. Embarrassingly through 2 red light's and exceeding the speed limit just to get back before the card was removed from my machines.
They litteraly had to turf me out at closing time

Driving home the haze wears off
w*f are you doing Deano your better than this!

My wife has known I'm a compulsive gambaler for a long time yet I still lie even if I don't have to when I gamble because I'm embarrassed if I'm honest.

I get home and pace the kitchen
Are you OK yes I mumbled
That's when I broke inside
I don't want to be like this anymore. That's when I told her every lie I had ever told her regarding my gambaling. I wasn't in control of myself anymore.

She was upset. Not about the money but the state I was in
She said you can only get help if you let people in. Stop hiding inside. If you feel low tell her how I feel. She's never once screamed at me or judged me.

Fast forward to Monday our one freind at work has gone travelling so just me and my buddy who I grew up with. He knows about my troubles. Well the bits I wanted him to know. I decided to lay it all down where I am how I feel.
He already knew something was troubling me because I had become quiet but didn't want to push me on it. We spent the 2 hour journey to work talking about different addictions. He has his own but his is with s*x.
It felt good just to talk with people instead of bottling it up inside.

From there I got home and went to talk with my sister. Ive been swerving her for a while as she's going through some tough times at the minute with the death of her husband and the kids being in counselling. I made her promise not to tell mom and dad as I didn't want to put it on them
I had a talk with the kids I know there in a bad place because that look on there faces is the same one I see when I look at myself
That's when my sister told me that that's my problem I'm always trying to fix everyone instead of myself.
I get home I get a phone call from my mom to go round.
Why have you been to your sister's. I swerve the question and tell them I'm in a rush to pick the kids up. Half way home I realise my sister didn't keep the promise so turn back. Walk in and spill the lot. My dad was obviously angry he thought I had sorted myself out. As the weeks gone on I've shared more to my family than ever before. Now there's no more lies there all uncovered.
The more I've told the more realise I've been keeping it from them for no reason at all. I wasn't protecting them I was protecting my addiction. Nothing has changed they still love me as much as before. They just wish I would of come sooner.
I'm thankful my sister told them
I could of run away for ever no one would of realised
It was me that decided to say no more. With my families help I can sort myself out. Because doing it alone has never worked.

Deeeaaannoooo x.

Very powerful post. The non carrying of cash will become a habit and only you will know when it is right to carry again. Its something I now live with and to be fair it doesnt bother me anymore. Sure i have my card back mow but generally leave it at home.

The above post is something you have needed to do for a while. To get it out in the open and be at peace with yourself. Now its done and the waters begin to settle you can move on again. You have been a bit unsettled recently and now you probably know why.

Shout on the FB if you need a chat as I know that option works both ways.

As always best wishes

Bavalarrrrr x

Hey Deano, we've already had a chat about this today but just to add to what Bav said, I believe this is the real start for you, you's gonna do it this time Homie. See you in Nuketown 🙂

Twinks xx

As I've already told you pal make sure you put these words into action and It will only help improve your mindset.

KTF

Great post Deano you must feel better for letting everyone in and letting them help you. It's how it should be x

Thanks for all the support guy's
I've also got a weekly check in with my old man. And he with me
Him checking in 3 weeks sober not that he has a problem he's just trying to stop drinking
Checked in today one week. He checks in with 3 weeks. My reply was I haven't had a drink in 3 months. His was you don't drink and I haven't played the slots in over 20 years. He's done me this week lol

Hello mate. , just back from a long walk with the family and dogs of course and just seen your post . That eureka moment I spoke to you about the other week , well I kind think you might have just had it . Instead of giving your family half the story or the bits you choose to let them know about you've spilled your guts and I'm impressed mate !! Total honesty and transparency is the only way and by finally being honest with those you love your being honest to yourself . I know your gonna beat this Deano and gave always had faith that moment would arrive . I'm not the only one to have said you need to fix yourself first and let people in to help you along . Stay well buddy xx

I thought that was like a knock knock joke " why do chop shops close on Sunday's " Personally I close up because a lot of my customers are Navy and Royal marine lads and go home for the weekend but I think a lot of it traditionally went back to the Trawlers not going out on a weekend so there wouldn't be fresh fish landed on a Monday , years ago I'd you were in the fish friers federation or the FFF lol ! You weren't allowed to open on a Monday at all , now it's 24:7 of you want it ? . Do know I'm so effed of by all the hoo ha on here over one post and all the people who don't help anyone chipping in ( no pun ) with these little snide comments , maybe if they helped others as much as most do on here instead of popping up to have a go once every 4 months it might help more . I know what your saying about swerving around it but a whole thread for that ? . I'm gonna take a while off coz to be honest I'm gonna say something I really regret in a minute , difference of opinions fine but when they get all @rsy when you respond ? Sorry havin a rant . Same with all the high five's most joined in with a bit of a laugh but again frowned on by the old school , sorry that's not me mate . I can't just dance to their old tunes . Xx

Cheers mate , I'm not running away I just need a bit of space to clear my head tbh , its not sitting with me well at the moment and I don't think being in that frame of minds going to help anyone as it stands , my daughters gonna sort the facebook stuff out for me when she gets a mo I did speak to her this morning about it funny enough , if I do it it'll never happen so when I'm up and running I'll email you :)) .

The shop keeper ratted me out the weekend because I haven't been in for 11 months funny how people keep secrets when your putting 500 sheets a week in there till. I guess he knows I'm not coming back so sees fit to say guess who has a problem with scratch cards.

There's Been an upside to not carrying cash with me. Everyone is buying me things for a change. I should of done this ages ago lol

Anyway I'm going to step away from here and chat for a few week's. As there's not much I can offer anyone at the minute. Let other voices get heard instead of me babbling on.
Take it easy

I know its upto you but I disagree with you completey Deano, you should be posting on your diary, if you dont want to get involved with other peoples recoveries for a while thats fine, but you should be focusing on you and getting them thoughts down in black and white and not keeping them bottled up again, the last 8 days have been the most open and honest. I know you at last have some external support from your family but you can still use here, it doesnt have to be daily you dont have to get involved with anyone elses c**P but keep posting it will help x

KTF

Deano,

Sorry mate but i agree with KTF above. To early to be leaving for a while as your recovery benefits from giving and receiving advice here.

I have given up trying to get involved in the unpleasantness associated recently with the forum. Read it, grin, take strength from it and move on.

I wish you well.

Bavalarrrr x

Cheers fellas i will take the advice
I guess you're right I shouldn't run off this early in

Selfish in addiction. Selfish in recovery. Tried and trusted in the early days...... So they say!

So stay! no slips, trips and falls for this man. It's the latest initiative for gamcare !

They also say ' you've got to give it away to keep it ' So, im hoping the weekends shi.te is soon forgotten and people will return...

Paul when gambaling the industry does its best to drive us apart.
I can count on my hand the people I interacted with in over 20 years of addiction. Effectively you're playing to win someone else's rent money or someone's kids Christmas present. They hate you talking about the bigger picture. People talk about chasing losses. It's not losses we're chasing it's the buzz. For me the buzz only comes from losing
Effectively chasing is the buzz I crave. Looking back my gambaling took hold when I left the clubbing scene. I stopped taking pills. Ecstasy was my first experience with dopamine. I loved that feeling of living in the moment. Doing something you shouldn't. I have no clue where this post is going I'm free styling
The post was supposed to be about how some of what the gambaling industry strives to drive us apart spills in to this site

I think a good debate section would work well on this site maybe?