Post Relapse

I had been doing good for about 3 months and two weeks ago I had a lapse but due to my financial blocks it wasn't a full blown relapse. But I had to ask myself , "why even did I have this lapse in judgement, when I knew better?" I gambled not because I was eager to win more money, but simply because it was a long standing habit of mine. I asked myself why do I keep going to gambling when I know it is bad for me? I have thought long and hard about it the last few weeks and I think I have finally (after 30 years of struggling with this illness, off and on, off and on, etc. ) come to a realization of what is happening to me. I came to the realization that I have mood swings and some days I am happy and some days I am sad. I think it is partly hereditary as some of my relatives have suffered from depression. I came to understand that the times I gambled were the times that I was feeling down (sad). I gambled in an attempt to 'feel better'. Now that I understand this, when I get the urge to gamble, I think to myself how can I get into a better mood other than gambling? And I try to think of ways to feel better without gambling. Going forward I am going to use this approach I hope it will work for me . Maybe some of these ideas will help you?. Best wishes. 

@gerard-g what are some of the things you do to change your mood.

I have been researching online and googling the word "happiness". What i have learned is that nearly all the experts agree, that happiness is not something that depends on an external event but rather comes from within. Take for example going to a fancy restaurant. Maybe you have been antipating it for several weeks thinking about how great it is going to be, and how happy it will make you. Then you go, and maybe it is ok, but you think afterwards, that wasn't so great. It was just so-so. The point is that when you look to obtain your happiness from external events, you are never truly satisfied, you have to keep searching and searching to find that nirvana. With gambling, enough is never enough. When you win, you get all excited and think you are so happy, but do you stop? No, you keep going til the inevitable losses come. The key is to use the power of your mind to create happiness within yourself independently of any external event. It takes some practice but it can be done. Just think of how you can be happy in your own skin, where you are, with what you have. Practice gratitude for the things you have rather than longing for things you don't have. When you can feel happy inside yourself without reliance upon external events, the desire to gamble goes away. It is pretty amazing. 

Hi

I understand that happiness is being content with in our self.

Because I was a very emotionally vulnerable person before my addictions and my obsessions.

I was a very emotionally vulnerable person because I was not able to heal my pains. 

I can feel happiness for my self and other because of healthy events that occur.

But often I see my self in other people in those events.

Once our inner child is healed our fears reduced we are able to interact in much healthier ways.

People will often say they love money cars houses etc.

But how can we love material things.

For me love is an intimacy thing having a healthy relationship with myself only then I can have a healthy relationship with other people.

Like I am unable to respect others until I respect myself.

What ever we want externally we have to give to our self first of all.

Hence the rewards of recovery change how we feel and value our self.

Nurturing nursing affection was some thing I needed in my child hood.

Sadly when we are not given healthy interactions we often internalize it.

Later in our recovery we learn to be kind nurturing loving and encouraging to our self.

Due to pains in our life fears grow in us we do not understand.

So recovery for me was healing my pains, facing my fears, reducing my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, finding healthy intimacy with healthy like minded people, and reducing our boredom in becoming more and more self sufficient.

Being satisfied is not an external thing, being content is not an external thing, being content is also tied to be self sufficient, also being spiritually healthy, that can be religious or not, our gratitude is about showing appreciation of our healthy values.

A lot of people use the words love or happy as being a very short time expression of short lives material things.

When anticipating some thing we need to be careful of our unhealthy expectations of people life and situations, being content in our own productive actions is our reward not what other people think.

Our happiness is not from external events, you are only truly satisfied, when our healthy actions and words make us proud of our self.

Searching for external approval is nearly always unsatisfactory.

The gambling was often driving by fears and my running away.

My fears would often cause me to go against my own spiritual values and my own conscience.

Accepting who you are in your own skin is empowering to us.

It is being content with those thing you can not change.

At one time being a compulsive gambler was painful embarrassing and shame filled.

Now in being honest with myself being a healthy not in action compulsive gambler is empowering to me. 

In practicing and expressing gratitude and appreciation is an expression of my spiritual values.

In showing gratitude and appreciation to complete strangers is a sense of intimacy that makes every one feel comfortable. They remember us.

My desire to gamble is resolved by understanding my emotional riggers and deal with things in a much healthier way.

The light bulb moment occurs when we fully understand things, we get it, no matter how many times we read or are talked to once we get it there is not going back.

The last thing I want to do is gamble, if I Gamble I simply makes thing much worse.

Just for today only is slow baby steps, not worry about tomorrow or my future, knowing if I truly work my recovery in healthy ways the outcome is very obvious to me today.

With out my addictions and my obsessions I see and feel a healthy future and a healthy outcome.

Exchanging unhealthy habits into healthy habits is empowering for me.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

@gerard-g this is so powerful.I never looked at it that way.This has truly opened my eyes.

Its been over a month and some days after i experienced my relapse.I have managed to gain momentun and recover bit by bit.Recovery is not a one day thing that you can expect to implement and change overnight.I have suffered many set backs but still im hopeful of a gambling free life.Even though i have been gambling with small amounts,i have managed to control my financial situation and im happy to reveal that i am in a financially stable position.I can pay my bills,take care of my family and take care of myself.I read a book titled,"why Zebras dont get Ulcers".Its been a reflection of how i should approach my debt situation.Solving the immediate and not worry about anything.Thank you for the support and it feels great regaining my confidence financially and emotionally.

P.S Jay