I spent many years in pain and misery but finally I think I'm done. I spent over 10 years being a problem gambler - I know I probably always will be one but for now I am free of it.
My big issue was being a loss chaser. I'd put money in and lose but I'd always go back and place ridiculous stake bets or go all in on tables just to breakeven - But of course I'd most of the time lose.
Over the years I'd lied to friends/family and betrayed those close to me just for a "fix"...Pretending I didn't have a problem and was just short this month - I put myself into debt and got to the brink of financial ruin because I used my money for bills/rent just to play.
I pretended the problem didn't exist. I pretended that I could "control" the addiction by responsible gameplay - Even though deep down it would never be the case.
I remember those nights where I'd played and lost everything - Wondering how I'm gonna be able to pay the bills. The anxiety, the pain & the tears...Wondering where I went wrong and why I would do something so reckless.
I avoided any sort of blocking software - Made excuses as to why I couldn't put that on my devices. I got so deep in denial that I denied I had a problem even though deep down I knew I did. Apprehensive about professional support because I felt that wasn't for me...
Now:
I don't play. I won't play...I have urges to play but for once I've called time on gambling and my relationship with it is over. It can't be a part of my life and can never be allowed to be again.
Financially I've found its nice to be able to afford things. I'm finally getting out of arrears and paying down my mistakes. I used to wake up early every payday morning without fail as soon as the money dropped in my account...I used to prepare days in advance about what games I'd play - I'd get up for a lonely sneaky gamble to lose it all and crawl back into bed a wreck - Shaking, anxious and miserable and that'd set my mood for the next month until I got paid again and the cycle repeated - Not anymore. 5 paydays have passed without any money being spent on gambling.
I don't think I'll ever be free of my addiction - But for now each day "Just for today I will not gamble" is getting me by. I'll make it through this because deep down I now begin to remember all that pain & misery. 6 months in I don't intend on going back however hard those urges make me want to.
I spent 13 years gambling - Making my life hard to exist...Now its time to enjoy life again!
I can totally relate to how you feel. I've been gambling since I was 18, am now 32. My life has been controlled by gambling. Putting me in financial difficulty, loss of friends and most importantly missing out on the time that I've wasted gambling. I'm only 1 day gamble free but I feel I can never go back, I have to go forward and change my life. Life without gambling is going to be great. I wish you the best of luck of your journey.
Hi
I am Dave am I am still a compulsive even though I have not gambled in over 30 years.
I am a non religious person yet since becoming more and more a healthy person I understand that my conscience is based up on healthy spirtual actions.
With out being an addict I would never understood or knew how unhealthy I was.
The recovery means to me healing from the pains and traumas in my life that were not resolved or healed.
The consequences of my pains not healed was fears that I did not understand or I could face or reduce.
The addictions and obsessions just indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.
By me going to the recovery meetings I got to hear and see other people expose more of their pains fears and frsutrations.
The deeper the therapies, the more therapies,I would see and feel my self in other vulnerable people.
Some people might be very hard on them selves, because of their addictions and obsessions.
I understand that I was not an evil person, that I was not a bad person, that I was not a stupid person, that I was a vunerable person who had certain emotional triggers.
In my life I had suffered physical abuse, I had suffered emotional abuse, I had suffered sexual abuse, that I had suffered negelct and emotional abandonment.
I now understand that every thing that could happen to a person had happened to me and that there was nothing a person could do to me that had not already been done.
I understand that I was a survivor even though I had tried to commit suicide when I was a teenager.
In the recovery program I would understand that my addictions were unhealthy, that my addictions were a form of emotional escape because I lived in so many fears.
Money was never going to heal my pains.
That money was never going to make feel sucessful in my life.
That for me when ever I gambled it was a form of self abuse.
That when ever I gambled I caused my self more pains and more fears.
The gambling establishments never hurt me I hurt my self.
The gambling establishments never made me lie I did that my self.
The gambling for me was a very unhealthy habit.
The gambling establishments for me was a place where I lost all healthy emotional contact with people that loved me.
After lossing all my money was even more emotionally traumazed than when I walked in to tehm places.
It took time to get motivated and to exchange all my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
Before my recovery I use to say to my self I have to do this, I have to do that.
Sadly I did most things rsetfully or reluctantly, hence even by doing thinsg I did nto get any saitfaction from doing those things.
By working on my recovery my motivation it was about fulfilling my needs, it was about fulfilling my wants, it was about fulfilling my goals.
The funny thing was by understanding my motivations I use to say that I needed to do certain things, then by getting rewards from doing jobs I would find that I wanted to do things.
The recovery program is abaout finding amuch healthier life.
Only once I was able to abstain from unhealthy habits I found that I felt more self sufficient in getting things done.
In time I would face and understand more about my fears.
My fears disabled me in so many ways.
My fears stopped me from having intimacy with my self and other people.
Once you get in to your recovery you learn to respect your self, you learn to respect love self, you learn to forgive your self, you learn to be more patient with your self, you learn to no longer be aloner.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA dave of Beckenham
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