Problem gambling

I spent many years in pain and misery but finally I think I'm done. I spent over 10 years being a problem gambler - I know I probably always will be one but for now I am free of it. 

My big issue was being a loss chaser. I'd put money in and lose but I'd always go back and place ridiculous stake bets or go all in on tables just to breakeven - But of course I'd most of the time lose. 

Over the years I'd lied to friends/family and betrayed those close to me just for a "fix"...Pretending I didn't have a problem and was just short this month - I put myself into debt and got to the brink of financial ruin because I used my money for bills/rent just to play. 

I pretended the problem didn't exist. I pretended that I could "control" the addiction by responsible gameplay - Even though deep down it would never be the case. 

I remember those nights where I'd played and lost everything - Wondering how I'm gonna be able to pay the bills. The anxiety, the pain & the tears...Wondering where I went wrong and why I would do something so reckless. 

I avoided any sort of blocking software - Made excuses as to why I couldn't put that on my devices. I got so deep in denial that I denied I had a problem even though deep down I knew I did. Apprehensive about professional support because I felt that wasn't for me...

Now:

I don't play. I won't play...I have urges to play but for once I've called time on gambling and my relationship with it is over. It can't be a part of my life and can never be allowed to be again.

Financially I've found its nice to be able to afford things. I'm finally getting out of arrears and paying down my mistakes. I used to wake up early every payday morning without fail as soon as the money dropped in my account...I used to prepare days in advance about what games I'd play - I'd get up for a lonely sneaky gamble to lose it all and crawl back into bed a wreck - Shaking, anxious and miserable and that'd set my mood for the next month until I got paid again and the cycle repeated - Not anymore. 5 paydays have passed without any money being spent on gambling. 

I don't think I'll ever be free of my addiction - But for now each day "Just for today I will not gamble" is getting me by. I'll make it through this because deep down I now begin to remember all that pain & misery. 6 months in I don't intend on going back however hard those urges make me want to. 

I spent 13 years gambling - Making my life hard to exist...Now its time to enjoy life again!