reborn on the 4th July

Thanks Sandra

Been a full on week once again with another store visit yesterday which went extremely well, some decisions been made over the next couple of weeks bout manager moves and my name will be mentioned there is no guarantees as there are goin to be loads of cut backs with jobs that no moves will be made, for me its so difficult as I av worked my b**t off to get my store where I want it so is set up for the year ahead moving somewhere else is goin to be even harder but this is the final part of personal journey that needs completing so much has happened in my life over the last 4 years where I currently amand for that reason I know I need to move on has that final part of me can't, big believer in fate so what will be will be

Xmas nearly here and finally motivated myself to wrap all the presents which shouldn't really be that hard but it was jess is so excited and am thankful she passes that no to me it will be great to see her open all her presents xmas day gone way over my budget for jess but I guess that's allowed now gambling doesn't play a part in my life anymore, not many urges but then I'm so busy they won't be and as always in retail not much time off over xmas iv always said I would like one year to enjoy the full experience of xmas and new year with no work one day I hope it will happen

Castle

Glad to reasd you had an outcome to the issue at work fella, well done for dealing with it with true humility.

Life is tough at the best of times, you deal with all it has thrown your way so well.

I hope you get to enjoy your valuable time over the festive period with your jess.

Well done my friend

duncs stepping forward never back.

Castle, my friend, thank you so much for ongoing support. I got so much out of ur thoughts and advices...so many mornings you put smile and hope on my face....thank you so much. You will be never forgotten and i will always be here for you.

Merry Xmas castle, make it special...little Jess will be over the moon !! Take a good care of yourself !! Xxx

Sandra xx

Thanks Duncan Sandra

A couple of days to the big day and working both of them so should sail through them got xmas day planned, having jess xmas eve till bout one xmas day goin out for lunch with family then back to my sisters and in the evening goin out with my brother in law to a pub we have found open, the night bit I'm pleased about as I would have been on my own from 6 onwards and even though only a few hours I remember from last year not a pleasant time just too much time to think and feel sorry for myself managed to get boxing day off and the day after so it will be a nice 3 day break

Always a good time to reflect on the year just passed and overall its been a good one at certain times it didn't feel that way esp with the divorce and all the stress it brought, financially its getting better still hard though as been single with only one wage coming in but hopefully that won't be forever

Abstaining from gambling has got to be the key factor throughout the year in truth I cant remember how many times I relapsed I think it was twice all I know may was my last one I do know that I wouldn't be where I am now if gambling had played a part in my life so for me it just shows making the right choice each day is the best way

My recovery is changing I do spend less time on this site I guess I don't need it as much as I used to I remember I was on everyday 2 hours a day I don't know how I found the time but I do know it was important at that stage I knew very little bout the affects gambling was doing to me other than the financial side of it over my 2 years I have learned so much about myself and life in general and I owe that to this wonderful site and the good people on it and I will always be eternally thankful

This will always be part of my life that I accept its a tool for my recovery next year I may use it less or I may use it more who knows what is round the corner for me, its my diary a log of all my thoughts something for me to always look back on through the good and bad times but its all there and ultimately to help me

I still have valuable knowledge which to me is a gift and its important to me that I pass it on and try and help others along the way, finding this site was the best thing that ever happened to me and that's how it needs to stay for everyone

The

Good positive reflections there Castle. You are at a great point in recovery and I know you won't slip up.

You are a top man and you stuck by me and supported me earlier this year when most others were ignoring or abusing me. I won't forget that.

I hope you have a fantastic Christmas with Jess and all the best for 2014.

Hi, thanks for posting on my diary. Hope you have a nice Christmas 🙂

Thanks captain last chance

Well xmas is over, xmas eve was fantastic with jess and xmas morning was just great to see and for me that's what is all bout the kids and seeing them happy, had lunch with my parents and sister with her partner we went out for lunch which cost me 30 quid should have been 60 but my mom kindly payed half due to the fact I refused to pay 60 given a choice I wouldn't have gone but the other option would have been on my own and I didn't fancy that either so I went and it was ok passed a couple of hours felt like was the only guy without a partner went back to sisters after fell asleep for an hour at night went out with another couple to a pub that was open and had a good time again though only guy on his own but it passed the night away, its strange as I have been out with the same people for lunch and evening many times before and it has never bothered me and for me that's what xmas does makes me feel I'm missing out but its over now and have to say I'm pleased just get the new year out of the way and back to normality

Been on my own this afternoon just waiting for jess to come back, had so many urges to bet on the football the usual battle of the mind games thinkin it won't hurt managed to combat them in the end but the question as always why is it so hard, in truth I would have loved a bet today the only reason why is to block the way I'm feeling at the moment due to xmas my mind would have been absorbed for four hours thinking of nothing else instead I have been thinking of other stuff feeling sorry for myself, I know this will pass and the right choice was made as the results would have been disastrous for me it just goes to show how quickly we can forget all the pain and misery brings

That's why my stress levels are so high as gambling was a way of dealing with it and now that's not an option I need to find another way of dealing with it

For a lot of us this time of year is really bout survival and today I can say I survived it by simply making the right choice and for the next week or so I need to do the same each day, my routine will return and no doubt will look back and wonder what all the fuss was bout

Till next year anyway but a lot can happen in a year hopefully perseverence will pay off and the rewards of a better life will come my way

Castle

you did well not to succumb to a bet on the football today. Totally on same wavelength when you say gambling was a way of dealing with high stress levels. For me it could have been a fantastic part time harmless hobby but Yes I used it as an escape and to relieve stress levels and boredom and then couldn't control it. I realise that I am fortunate to be able to have a bet on the football and golf without it affecting my troublesome other areas.

Glad Christmas passed well for you. I agree with you about this time of year being just about survival. That's how it feels for me in my first festive holiday period without gambling to help me through. Hoping it won't be like this every year though and that this first year is the hardest.

Honoured for you to quote on my diary ' I do have to say reading your diary has played a massive part in my recovery and has helped me more than you could ever imagine'. That really means a lot to me.

Best wishes always

Thanks captain

To elaborate on that quote, your diary is none like any other a completely different outlook on recovery which I have followed with interest maybe in a way of expecting it to end in disaster but 6 months down the line it works for you, it wouldn't work for me but it does show me recovery is bespoke and to learn to know your own limits and I don't think I would have learned that without your diary

I know my limits now I simply can't step into a bookmakers or use an online account, I can have a go on the lottery buy a scratchcard chuck acouple of quid in a fruit machine have a go on a raffle all these things aren't my demons, I used to live in fear of relapse and beat myself up even I even thought bout any form of gambling,

I always remember when I first come on here and there was a thread for abstaining from gambling with absolutely no form of gambling accepted which I always thought was in theory a great idea but the pressures was immense my thoughts were confirmed when I one guy posted that he entered a raffle without thinking and proposed he left the thread as he broke the rules, for me it just shows there is on right or wrong way with recovery and all ways should be respected which I know can be very difficult has some have real strong personal views

Ultimately it has tn be bout me and me only and what's best for me its took me over 2 years of trying and in truth there's still along way to go I could have so easily relapsed today I knew wouldn't but I know the desire is still there and that's my worry there's no worry if I do relapse I know what to do, the desire is to gamble though is to block the pain to pass the time to not have to think bout the things that are on my mind

I will keep trying though and in time the fears and desires will lessen as always I am so thankful to this site for allowing me to have a diary to express my thoughts and learn from others it has changed my life so much for the better its just a shame some days I don't see it !!

castle

interesting post fella, I hope your honesty brings therapy for you, to accept that you still gamble does carry a stigma with it, and you have to rise above that.

as you say recovery is bespoke and folk have to find a way which suits them, for those who choose to allow forms of gambling in their lives, only they will know if it has a destructive affect on their lives. I understand why the outside world view this differently too, to my wife/family any form of gambling is to them destuctive and de values recovery, to which in my personal case I understand why, at first hand they have all witnessed what any form of gambling brings for me, a return to my addictive ways,and with it acceptance that it is ok to gamble.

For me standing in the storm as it were, like you I learn a great deal from this site, I have learnt to accept that what you choose to do will not affect my own journey in regards to what works for me.

Again Castle I admire the fact your honesty and courage in admitting that you accept forms of gambling in your life and like captain seek to arrest the forms which cause destruction.

From it I do hope you take therapy and your resolve continues to grow.

Regards Duncan.

I hope others accept your honesty too.

Castle....you know what ?

You gambling doesn't matter to me because to be totally honest , it's not the money...it was never the money...it was the attitude that made me feel s**t and the fact that 4 plasma screens meant more to my ex than me and I put him top priority.

This is why I have turned myself into some hard knock now.

You don't have that arrogance so as far as I'm concerned you do what you need to do. It was never the money Castle that destroyed my relationship ..it was the arrogance , the insensitivity, the flat refusal for my ex to look at his own actions and his lack of emotion and the fact that nothing ..not even Cindy Crawford would be enough ,

If you gamble you gamble but you're not arrogant and jealous and that makes all the difference so you always have my 100% support. Xx

Thanks Duncan

Feel very reflective of what I wrote yesterday, in truth I wrote what I felt its been a real tough time this xmas, I now see I could be seen as fraudulent which saddens me greatly personally I don't see it the way others can and will portray it and for that reason I regret my words

Yes it is the truth but not in the way it sounds with lottery I guess maybe 5 times in 8 months scratchcards 2 in the same period, a couple of quid in the fruit machine on my only night out a week generally after a few beers and not every week, however they are forms of gambling and I confess they happened

Yes I took part in Daves xmas thread declaring I was gamble free each week in my eyes I was gambling to me is not betting on anything through a bookmakers or online betting and that I haven't, if this makes me fraudulent then so be it

Where this leaves me now I'm not sure, recovery is bespoke and in 2 years I have changed my life around all helped by the use of this site with the tremendous support on it,

I think I will take some time to reflect on these events and not make any hasty decisions but its something I need to think seriously bout

Thanks Rachael

Think our posts crossed, thank you for your kind words I have to say seeing you write the words down that I gambled is hard to take, however they are true words but I thank you for your kind comments

No excuses on my side

Doesn't matter to me if you gamble or not , only if it hurts you...that's all I'm bothered about.Not even Jess as I know Jess will be well cared for between you and your ex no matter what.

The anger I feel is towards the ex..all my anger is towards the ex who never stopped or even tried to stop but just ran our relationship into the ground.

I had no choice but to save my a** and I hate him for putting me in the position of taking that responsibility and making the decision for the both of us to end it as he would have carried in running me Into the ground like some endurance test,

I loved that person more than anyone in the world.

Listen, if you want to gamble and have no one that will be affected by it then it's your choice . I'm not going to think less of you at all but if I see the roof over your head being compromised then yes..I shall be along to state my case on the grounds of practicality!

You have put up with me ranting away and have like Duncs always encouraged me to get this out ...and for that I will always be in your corner .

The problem I had with controlled gambling posts was the arrogance , not the gambling.

Castle..no judgement but all I ask is promise me this...if it ever gets out of control just come back on here ..no shame ..

R and D. Xx unconditional

Hi castle,

I pretty much tend to agree with what others have said, namely that recovery is something that can be unique to everyone. For me, the real demon is online casino, and a specific type of video poker. Slots - not bothered. Blackjack - not bothered. What I do know is that I always say to myself, I've never had a problem with sports betting, but I also know is that this is my own personal slippery slope.

As long as you are taking the steps that allows you to be in control and not to have the urges overwhelming you, then I guess that's the right thing for you. I put in a fiver every year for the office fantasy football, for me that just doesn't come under the slippery slope type of gambling that leads to self-destruction and self-loathing.

All the best,

Ryan