reborn on the 4th July

Hi Castle,

Thankyou for your post it was really kind of you.

There are alot of diaries and you cant post on all of them although NT gives it a good go :0)

Your doing really well hun with all the stresses in your life right now.

Splitting up is never easy but i walked away from a twenty year relationship with the kids and nothing else and the ex and i get on better now than any other time.

Keep up the good work hun onwards and upwards.

Stay Strong

E xx

Thank u all for kind words

Nothing to report on the ex front seen her a few times and she has said nothin hopefully she has booked to see a solicitor and then we can talk lets just hope she sees sense and everything can be straight forward as a divorce can go but I am ready for fighting my corner if need be

Was off yesterday was with my daughter till bout 5 then on my own back at flat , the golf was on final round of masters usually I would av loved to bet on that and just absorb myself into it for five hours thinkin of nothin else , instead I read and posted half watched the golf then went to bed , I am so determined to deal with my problems and face them full on this time , beating my gambling addiction is giving me so much strength , I av the upper hand at the moment I can feel the grit and steel inside me nothin will break me long may it continue

Castle,

I loved reading your last post. Your determination jumps right out from the page. Your contribution to this site is first class and much appreciated.

I hope everything runs smoothly for you.

Tomso.

HI

Well done your doing amazingly well will take some heart from your determination.

Michael

I can't believe how much I av changed in ten weeks , when I first posted I wrote not that determined but knew I had to , its been an up and down time but with definitely more ups , when I was down and fighting the urges and nearly relapsing I had to dig so deep to find the strength but I believe this has made me a lot stronger , its made me face up to all my problems instead of not dealing with them , I really now can see gambling what does to u how it destroyed my life eaten away at me for years leaving me weak and defenceless , I know it will always lie dormant inside me lookin for that one moment of weakness to take advantage , it's only ten weeks and still know it's early days but what difference ten weeks as made

From one smiling fairy.

Your post has started my day off to perfectly.

My heart is full of admiration, 10 weeks and you

feel this good, by 100 world domination would be

a piece of cake lol

Dusty xxx

Castle you are an inspiration for everyone on here. I've just read your story and what a journey you've had. I'm only on 12 days but I'm feeling the benefits already so can only imagine what 10 weeks feel like. Well done you. Keep it up and hope everything gets sorted with the ex! Always 10 times harder when there's kids involved mate. You're beating gambling so you can beat ANYTHING! Stay strong!

castle.

Just a quick line fella to say a massive WELL DONE on your ten weeks gamble free,as you say the journey has but begun but fella what a great way to start,keep facing up to those demons fella and I know your light will shine bright. Thanks again for putting those feelings on a page great therapy for us all,you most.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Hya Castle

Congratulations on 10 weeks mate, what an achievement. This site wouldn't be the same without you. Stay exactly how u are, ur a real asset

Becky

xxx

Just posted on someones diary and Aintree got mentioned not even thought bout this new the grand national was soon , bout a month ago it was Cheltenham and that was at the forefront of my mind all week and was one of my hardest week to date , gettin through that week made me so much stronger the urges are far less now but in a way I don't mind them now I know beating them is only helping me more in my recovery

I will still be taking it a day at a time today I did not gamble and that will make me stronger and stronger to keep that disease at bay

I am so pleased I take it one day at a time cos today has been a bad one , the last week I av felt the strongest in my whole life and nothin could defeat me

What I am bout to write is for my own benefit so I can look back and see it in black and white and a reminder of how I felt

Just over 2 years ago I moved stores in my job , my marriage was drifting on both sides for various reasons but like u do with kids u plod on , then out of the blue I got close to a member of staff she was having problems at home with her partner she also had a young child we just hit it off got closer and closer , she instantly made me realise how unhappy I actually was and that I had been so unappreciated over the years , I left my ex bout 3 months later and the affair began it wasn't lust by far the feelings were genuine on both sides , if I'm honest I hoped she would leave her partner but it never happened it all got very messy with my ex working for same company her partner found out confronted me said I cud have her but no way was I seeing his son , so for the last .18 months I av been tried to end it which I av done on several occasions but only to give in due to seeing her at work , I know her relationship with her partner is dead but I cud not cope with her living in the same house so we argued and I gambled to block the pain away , last October I finally admitted my gambling problem and got help went 3 months gamble free xmas came and that's what got me she was at home with her partner and I hated it so I blocked it out by gambling , I got back on track beginning of Feb and now ten weeks in Easter came with a long bank holiday weekend again with her partner off we argued again but this time no relapsing just a strong desire to end this ongoing situation and I av which was last Saturday and av been strong since hardly any contact with her and when I av just reiterating its over , we had to work together today for an hour and it was very icy to say the least I know it's not what she wants and wants to carry on , so I av left work feeling low put that with I met my ex for a coffee to discuss divorce to be honest that went well very surreal though and to top it off my daughter has gone away for the night with her uncle to see her grandad , hence why today is not a agood day , it will not make me gamble that I av no fear I am so focussed even with everything goin on

The reason I av wrote this post is this , all my life I av gambled and all my life I av given in to urges , wife, work and affair , this time I am not goin to give in

The message I am sending to myself is , if give in to this and go back I might as well give in and go back to gambling , this decision I am makin I always planned to make I wanted to remove all the other problems in my life leaving that one till the last when I thought I would av the strength then to do it but it's happened now and I will deal with it , it's what I want just need to stay strong

This is a very personal post and was extremely difficult to write but it had to be done for my future depends on it

Hi,

Hugs

Dusty

Just wanted to say thinking of you and well done for not giving in.. you are so supportive towards others on here that I wanted to let you know you have tons of support too!

Keep strong x

Castle,

I trully hope things are better tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you.

Tomso.

Thanks guys for ur replies

Amazing how when u av no kids not working no reason to get up and yet u wake up early and thats it can't sleep

Today is another day if I'm honest I don't feel on top of the world prob due to a million things running through my head pleased to say though none bout gambling they really are the furthest thoughts from my head so that is a massive positive

In my post yesterday I only scratched the surface and feel I owe it to myself to cover off a few other admissions to remind me of my decisions

Firstly the day I walked out I went back to parents told them I was leaving ex and was never goin back I wasn't happy and could be happier to this daytime do not av one single regret , for me it was like someone opening a door and saying this is ur chance and I did the relief was amazing a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders , why ? Well for 18 years I had cooked clean ran bout after her and got nothin back in return when our daughter was born for her there was no bond which became a problem for the next 6 year's I did all the playgroup only dad there took her out for daysevery night I took her to bed it was always daddy take me towards the end we clashed on our parenting skills , we had 2 miscarriages the first one was the most awful experience ever the second one we just knew this all added to the strain , the difference between us is 8 years and we met when she was just 16 so she never did the stuff I did nightclubs dating etc this started to grind on her feeling she had missed out on life she had no friends at all never went out , facebook came along and life started to change she was goin out more gettin attention from others I know it sounds awful but I wanted it to happen I offend dreamt of living on my own and to start again but deep down thought this is ur life it ain't that bad really , so the drift had began then what happened after that with my affair I never saw it comin if someone had said two months earlier it was goin to happen I would not av believed them but it did I suppose I never thought anyone would show me any attention and yes it was great it was like someone flicked a switch in my head and said wake up u cud be happier in life and then my mind was made up , my ex doesn't understand why I never wanted to fight for our marriage but I knew I didn't want it anymore I had had enough , to many people on the outside it looked as though I left my wife for someone else which couldn't be further from the truth midlife crisis was mentioned I would fully regret it go running back sayin what a fool I had been to this day it was the right decision for me

My daughter has benefited so much from all this which may sound strange , she now has a relationship with her mum she gets to spend quality time with her she is so happy well balanced doin fantastically well at school , to be fair to both of us we never argue in front of her and put her first every time

The gambling in my marriage was not good I showed her a lot of bad ways introduced her to fruit machines I wouldn't say she was hooked but with me been there it didn't help but she knew very little of my visits to the bookies but she controlled the money so the damage was minimal , this also played a part in my decision to leave as I knew financially she would be better without me

With my affair I av no regrets she made me quickly realise I cud be happier I cud be myself speak my mind tell her how I felt not bottle my feelings up , lookin back the timing was all wrong with kids with work we had to keep a secret yes everyone knew what had happened but all thought it was over , my ex hated her for good reason no way would she want her to see my daughter and her partner feels the same bout me , the last 2 year's av just been lies and more lies having to lie to work has one of us would av been moved her lying to her partner me lying to my ex as she would av told someone in work , it was really not a good base to build a relationship on , it was never meant to be but like gambling she became an addiction something I knew wasn't good for me it was so wrong but yet didn't av the strength to end it

I now av and av to move forward , I av asked for a transfer but made it clear I don't want to step backwards but when a suitable opportunity arises I am interested unfortunately there is no positions at the moment so I am goin to av to wait and just deal with this situation I only work with her for 3 hours on a Tuesday and all day on a Saturday generally , I just need to stay strong and things will get better I hope we can still be friends but know she is hurting even though she will never admit it , if I'm honest I hurting to but know I am doin the right thing and know the rewards will be great later in life