Day 85,
Payday has been and gone. My debt has now reduced to £12700. Another 12 months and I would be debt free, however my circumstances have changed somewhat. I have a few weeks to find somewhere else to live and no matter what my living costs(rent/bills) are going to dramtically increase. Also found out I was being cheated on, but I have stayed away from her and gambling. I am proud of myself for not returning to gambling after recent events but am already feeling the financial burden of moving somewhere else. Well one day at a time I suppose.
Scambling
Day 89,
Feeling so down, so sick in my stomach. How could someone do this to me. Just when I'm getting my life sorted out! In a world of pain. My confidence shattered... Don't feel like gambling at all, but feel I want to do something destructive.
Hello Scambling
So sorry to hear that you have been let down like this. You are doing really well not to turn to gambling. I can see that you have an urge to do something else 'destructive'. I don't know if you meant self-destructive but either way, you'd basically be letting that person harm you more than they have already. You deserve better! So treat yourself as you would want others to treat you. Look after yourself. Do something postive for yourself. If you're feeling down and struggling, give us a call on the HelpLine 0808 8020 133, or chat to us on the NetLine.
Best wishes
Deirdre
Forum Admin
Day 91,
Still finding the betrayal extremely difficult. Constantly on my mind... I don't feel like gambling but I do feel very much alone. I don't have any close friends to talk to either. She was my closest friend. I struggle with trust and confidence as it is. My self esteem is none existent. The pain is just unimaginable... If I can get through this phase of my life without gambling I know that I can beat it and look forward to a future without gambling.
Scambling well done so far. Sorry to hear about the girlfriend you are far better off without her. You've done great so far to pay off what you have. Do you really have to pay so much back every month. Enjoy yourself otherwise thus feeling will constantly be on your mind.
Also go speak to your gp I really struggle with anxiety, not depression just a high stress job and gambling affected me there maybe something they can offer which can help. Be well
Day 96,
Thankyou Crossintheroad for your reply. I don't have to pay so much, however the interest alone I pay is around £300/month. I'm trying to reduce my debt so my interest is lower asap. I am depressed, but not through gambling, more from recent events. I'd rather not go down the GP route at this time. I don't think they have tablets to fix broken hearts... I can see now that I had just been used. It's not a good feeling at all... Day 100 is around the corner and only a couple months to get my debt under 10k if I continue in the same manner I have. Looking forward to getting this year over and done with. Too much pain, heartache, loss and changes.
Scambling
Day 98,
Had a productive few days by myself. Managed to somehow get a load of stuff done that needed doing as well as having plenty of time for myself. I'm still hurting, I just hope it gets easier so I can move on. Can gladly say that no thoughts at all to gamble. I am not going to let recent events ruin the hard work I have put in. 2 days till the 100 !
Scambling
Day 100,
Not much to say really. Personal life is still a mess, but I am proud to have not been sucked in by old habits.
Scambling
Congrats on 100 days that is such a massive achievement be proud and your personal life will improve in time, we are just impatient.
Keep up the good work.
Wilsy
Day 103,
Thank you Wilsy for the positive comments. Today I had some news which has released a bit of stress and worry from my mind. Yesterday however, I completely blew into a rage speaking with my Dad. Raging how bad my life is, mistakes I've made, people I've lost/hurt. Gambling has brought out a nasty side in me. I have little to no confidence and zero socialble skills anymore. I realise I am on the right path, however sometimes think I have done too much damage to myself already. I try to stay positive and do beneficial things for myself, but it's not the first time I have raged like this. I know recovery starts by loving yourself. This just seems so hard to do... I guess I need more time. No thoughts about gambling, seriously been through enough. I no longer see that as a way out and the buzz left a many years ago. I think this is more a journey of rediscovering myself now.
Scambling
Day 105,
Feeling good today! Got myself back into dancing and managed to have a bit of fun with it. Trying hard since my last outburst to focus on the positive. Still have thoughts about how she hurt me creeping in, but I'm trying to forgive and move on with my own life.
I can only be responsible for my own actions, not anybody else's.
"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow."
Scambling
Hi Scambling, belated welcome to the Century club 🙂
Just wanted to echo Screwball’s post #24 about this feeling like a debt recovery program rather than what it needs to be...It’s good to see a few posts from you not fixating on finances. I’m sorry that your girlfriend hurt you so much but your loneliness in post #20 suggests it may have not been right for you anyway, the relationship certainly wasn’t helping fill any of the void that abstinence has caused.
I’m glad you took yourself back to GA (never quite believed the ‘rationale’ for it not working anymore) but random meetings isn’t enough...You have to work the program to get the best from it. Rediscovery is really hard work, mistakes you’ve made may even pale into insignificance as you start identifying poor character traits within yourself but it’s there for the taking & everyone is worth it!
“We are sick people trying to get better, not bad people trying to be good!”
Day 106,
Hi ODAAT, thankyou for your post of encouragement on my diary. I decided to document my journey simply to understand myself more. Reading back I can see I set myself up on a debt recovery journey. Whilst the debt still bothers me, I am starting to understand that this journey is about a lot more than just paying off my gambling debts. It is a journey of self discovery, forgiveness and learning.
These last few days have really been an eye opener... I have never been so focused on improving my state of mind and learning about myself in order to be a better version of myself. I will forgive myself, but never forget. my life no longer revolves around gambling and gambling no longer revolves around my life. I am free at last...
Scambling
Day 108,
Christmas shopping pretty much all done! Just the frustration of trying to wrap them now... Haha. Just another few days until payday again and I'm looking forward to reducing my debt even further. Seems to have been a very long month. Cannot wait to get 2018 underway and put this year behind me.
Scambling
Day 110,
Time does go quick... Almost at 4 months now. No issues or thoughts of gambling at all. I have been filling my time by taking dance classes and teaching myself guitar with the help of tutorial videos. I may not have any money, but I have a lot of free time, so the focus is on improving and developing myself as much as I can. Hopefully in a years time I will be competent enough to use what I have learnt 🙂
Scambling
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