Recovery Journal - Day 2

@pcqeo8gl0m hi.  Really enjoyed your story so far.  I really identify with your story as it reads so closely to my own.  We even have the same name 😂.  James are the best.

The counciling really helped me.  It made me realise that I wasn't broken or bad, it was a real mental disorder I had.  The dopamine rush and it's effect on my brain was key to my understanding the condition.

I also get what you say about alcohol.  It lowers my inhibitions and makes me more prone to gamble.I found I would gamble due to stress. 

Like you.  If the wife was unreasonable I would gamble to reward myself.  I remember working a long day as picking up kids, shopping and cooking and cleaning.  Then my wife came in and made a comment about not believing that I could leave the sink being dirty.  It was petty but it got to me so much that I gambled that night big time.  I justified it to myself as I was angry.  Stupid as I really hurt myself in doing so.

Keep up with the counciling.  It works.  Also dig deap, we gamble for reasons.  Often it is to block out other feelings and thoughts..

Keep us posted!

@thebean thanks for posting 🙂! Another James too, how wonderful! Seems like our stories may be similar but I will take a look at your story and comment. I think you hit the nail on the head, and 100% I gambled to hide feelings, which I am trying to uncover though therapy. Had my 5th session this week and felt really good afterwards…we discussed values and their importance and place in our lives; and, I realized that the important ones, to me, were not existent while I gambled for a long time afterwards. The dopamine rush took over my brain that was all that mattered. I neglected my wife, family and friends during this time but the question i need to answer is why? Working on that one!

Day 56

I am feeling good these days, not alot of negative feelings or thoughts, but lots of change. Had a job interview this past Friday and it went well-it was my first interview in over 10 years so i was naturally very nervous. Iv think that going to counseling really helped me determine that I can do a lot more than my current job, which don’t appreciate my value right now -so change may be needed with the right fit and salary. I will keep exposing myself because i felt like the internet was a HUGE learning experience and i gained a lot of confidence afterwards. I realized i know my job and many other aspects related to it that shouldn’t be ny responaibility, but come with my current line of work, and make me that much more valuable.

My wife and I are definitely on the mend - aI have been more respectful of our discussions of late and actually am attentive and listening, asking questions to hrt and also checking in on her while she is at work - just as a friendly thing to  do. Communication is growing and getting better.

I am really enjoying my therapy and will keep at it. Today I will not gamble, and I will remain thankful for all the support I am receiving in all aspects.

JB 

Day 65

Its crazy that 9 days have past since my last post - part of me feels great for that, another knows that I need to keep up with this in an effort to prevent any kind of lapse.

This past weekend we stayed with my wifes brother and family, which was fun and I think helped her out anxiety wise - they live 2.5 hr drive away so we dont see them all too often.

Sunday of course was football day, and I felt some urges present. My brother in law loves football and makes occassional wagers on games…of course we were alone watching the kids yesterday and he had football on. American Football fans are intense and he was for sure. When he would get excited when his team scored a touchdown, it got to me at times. The thrill of it all made me think about, even consider, betting on a game…i knew that wiuld lead down a rabit hole. He gets so excited, or upset, when certain things happen…makes me reflect on my moods when I played slots and how flucuated they could be…how I also neglected some relationship or snapped at my wife sometimes…can’t believe I was that guy.

Anyways, I have not gambled in 65 days, I have quelled some urges, paid down $1500 of my debt, and saved about $650. Well on my way, but still battling daily. 

CHEERS to all the fighters out there! Keep going for yourself, you matter and finding strength in this process, though difficult at times, really helps straighten out life and give persepctive. You are not alone!! 

JB