Recovery Journal - Day 2

@pcqeo8gl0m hi.  Really enjoyed your story so far.  I really identify with your story as it reads so closely to my own.  We even have the same name 😂.  James are the best.

The counciling really helped me.  It made me realise that I wasn't broken or bad, it was a real mental disorder I had.  The dopamine rush and it's effect on my brain was key to my understanding the condition.

I also get what you say about alcohol.  It lowers my inhibitions and makes me more prone to gamble.I found I would gamble due to stress. 

Like you.  If the wife was unreasonable I would gamble to reward myself.  I remember working a long day as picking up kids, shopping and cooking and cleaning.  Then my wife came in and made a comment about not believing that I could leave the sink being dirty.  It was petty but it got to me so much that I gambled that night big time.  I justified it to myself as I was angry.  Stupid as I really hurt myself in doing so.

Keep up with the counciling.  It works.  Also dig deap, we gamble for reasons.  Often it is to block out other feelings and thoughts..

Keep us posted!

@thebean thanks for posting 🙂! Another James too, how wonderful! Seems like our stories may be similar but I will take a look at your story and comment. I think you hit the nail on the head, and 100% I gambled to hide feelings, which I am trying to uncover though therapy. Had my 5th session this week and felt really good afterwards…we discussed values and their importance and place in our lives; and, I realized that the important ones, to me, were not existent while I gambled for a long time afterwards. The dopamine rush took over my brain that was all that mattered. I neglected my wife, family and friends during this time but the question i need to answer is why? Working on that one!

Day 56

I am feeling good these days, not alot of negative feelings or thoughts, but lots of change. Had a job interview this past Friday and it went well-it was my first interview in over 10 years so i was naturally very nervous. Iv think that going to counseling really helped me determine that I can do a lot more than my current job, which don’t appreciate my value right now -so change may be needed with the right fit and salary. I will keep exposing myself because i felt like the internet was a HUGE learning experience and i gained a lot of confidence afterwards. I realized i know my job and many other aspects related to it that shouldn’t be ny responaibility, but come with my current line of work, and make me that much more valuable.

My wife and I are definitely on the mend - aI have been more respectful of our discussions of late and actually am attentive and listening, asking questions to hrt and also checking in on her while she is at work - just as a friendly thing to  do. Communication is growing and getting better.

I am really enjoying my therapy and will keep at it. Today I will not gamble, and I will remain thankful for all the support I am receiving in all aspects.

JB 

Day 65

Its crazy that 9 days have past since my last post - part of me feels great for that, another knows that I need to keep up with this in an effort to prevent any kind of lapse.

This past weekend we stayed with my wifes brother and family, which was fun and I think helped her out anxiety wise - they live 2.5 hr drive away so we dont see them all too often.

Sunday of course was football day, and I felt some urges present. My brother in law loves football and makes occassional wagers on games…of course we were alone watching the kids yesterday and he had football on. American Football fans are intense and he was for sure. When he would get excited when his team scored a touchdown, it got to me at times. The thrill of it all made me think about, even consider, betting on a game…i knew that wiuld lead down a rabit hole. He gets so excited, or upset, when certain things happen…makes me reflect on my moods when I played slots and how flucuated they could be…how I also neglected some relationship or snapped at my wife sometimes…can’t believe I was that guy.

Anyways, I have not gambled in 65 days, I have quelled some urges, paid down $1500 of my debt, and saved about $650. Well on my way, but still battling daily. 

CHEERS to all the fighters out there! Keep going for yourself, you matter and finding strength in this process, though difficult at times, really helps straighten out life and give persepctive. You are not alone!! 

JB

Day 75

Another 10 days have passed since I last posted. For the most part I have not been too bothered by any kind of instrusive thoughts, or compulsions, to gamble; however, in the past 24 hours I've had a few urges...and I know why...

We had applied for a debt consolidation and have been approved on the condition we pay for a property evaluation, which has to come in at a certain range...they only issue being we don't think we'll get that range based on the current market value for homes in our arrear. So that has been a bit triggering, the stress of whether or not to pay out of pocket for an appraisal, when we are aware it is very unlikely we will get to the certain range we need for our home value...my wife is a bit resourceful with this stuff, and my working in real estate understand the finer print.

In any event, I guess I felt like more of a failure again for putting us in this position. I let me wife know that and she reassured me that I am working in the right direction and we will get through it together. That was really good to hear from her. And I mean, on one hand we are doing fine. We have not missed any bill payments, are paying down our debts (me focusing mainly on my gambling debts), and are managing to save some money, even with Christmas around the corner and doing some minor spending on our son and niece. So there is some positive still coming out of it all. But on the other hand, it just sucks knowing that given the market status right now, we won't be able to get help from any financial institutions. But I guess take the positives as much as possible. Speaking of positives, another plus is I get a fair sized bonus this coming week, which I will funnel most of into my gambling debts - that will provide some relief.

I have been keeping up with my counselling sessions, but I have run out of benefits,  and paid full price for my last session; so, I won't have another one until the new year. It has been incredibly helpful attending counselling. I have learned a lot about myself and why I started gambling altogether, which was a combination of boredom, feeling alone, and coping with stresses (work, parenthood & marriage). I learned about my values and the ones that mean most to me; and noticed that when I am aware of these values, I have a much better time making healthy decisions in an effort to maintain my relationships and overall happiness. Its amazing how we neglect things most important to us when under the aura of gambling woes, completely consumed by an action and desire of greed - the dopamine hit both draining and fulfilling our ability to really function day in a day out with the sole purpose of getting the next big hit/win. Even now, urges present themselves, and I remind myself of the work I have been putting in; recognizing the thoughts of gambling when they arise and having strength to understand they will pass and that my life, overall, is far better when I am not gambling James. I am mending my relationships, and have really opened up to my wife and a couple good friends, and for the most part have received incredibly warm help in my efforts to renew and mend these relationships. This is incredibly important to me and I feel much better when I am able to discuss personal matters with those closest to me.

In closing, I think that a good approach to beating any addiction (and it's widely different for everyone) is building a community of individuals you can trust, whether it's your spouse, older child, parent, friend or counsellor, having a few people to talk to is incredibly important for your mental health. As much as we want to do things alone, and overcome the odds, and as much of most of beating addiction is our battle alone, having support at the side of the ring, within reach, allows us some safety when times are really difficult. Maybe, just maybe, our closest friends and family are more upset that we don't discuss our personal demons with them, than when we resort to the addiction itself, which might be because we have denied them the ability to help us, as they in return, may come to us in their difficult times with their struggles. I don't know, I just feel that, at least for me, opening up and making people aware of my gambling struggles, and continuing to talk through it, has woken me. I am far better off now than I was 75 days ago. And guess what, it starts with one decision, one step, and one day.

Today I will not gamble, and I hope that those who have read, and continue to read, this dairy, get the help they are looking for, in this, or from elsewhere. Stay strong friends.

Smashing it JB 💪. Sounds like you have a really good lady on your side, that always helps. You've come a long way in a relatively short space of time. I hope you remember to be really proud of yourself, not only have you made it this long, it's good to see you using that experience to help others on here. A gamble free life is definitely a better life 🙂 

Day 88

The days between posts seem to be getting farther apart...and perhaps that is because, generally, speaking, most days go bye without much thought into gambling. However, the past few days I have let gambling back in, not in the physical sense or action, but in the social media sense. I will admit that I have found myself thinking  a bit about my savings, how I could potentially double it, or worse, lose it...and that has draw me to watching people playing slots/table games on youtube, fbook and instagram. I am not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing, but I  am certain that it is part of the process. I am not partaking in gambling, but there is a part of my that enjoys watching the winnings...although, when I look at what people are betting it blows my mind that people put $250, $500, $1500, $3500 down on a spin or hand. That's just nuts - people have too much money. I think what I have learned in doing this, is that I can reflect more clearly on my wrong doings in the past with gambling, AND I certainly notice myself reminding myself that the money I've paid back and saved if FAR more valuable than any chance to maybe double up...its a whim, not a guarantee. Remember, the house ALWAYS wins out in the end - these games are designed that way. My money is better left in a high interest savings account, an investment account, or in my bank account for items that will make myself, my son, and my wife happier.

With Christmas around the corner, and several gifts still to buy, I continually remind myself that giving back to my loved ones and to see their smiles on Christmas is truly priceless. To know that I have brought them some small amount of happiness, or maybe even a long term happiness (with toys or cherished items) matter a lot, much more than winning, and losing, and winning and eventually losing.

Happy Holidays to everyone on this forum. Keep working towards improving yourselves, stay positive, and keep making attainable goals. Even the smallest step forward is the right direction.

JB

Well I wish I could take my own advice...I wish I has talked to my wife or a friend yesterday after my post, especially when I received a few "exclusion ended" emails from gambling sites yesterday; and I wish I had posted sooner when I was watching gambling reels.

Yesterday, after I self-excluded on a few sites where my account had been re-activated (as my time-out period has expired), I couldn't get past the final site and spent $50.00. I lost it all and now get to deal with the repercussions of doing the act of gambling once more. I am still wondering if I was testing myself, or if really this is a deep rooted addiction - it's likely the latter. 

How do I feel - disgusted, disappointed, anxious to name a few. I talked with my wife about it and she is upset, and rightfully so. So that sucks. The pain of letting myself down, letting her down, and not being strong enough to just press a button to self-exclude, despite doing it on several other sites, sucks.

Today is Day 1, for the second time, and I learned a lot about my small lapse yesterday. I re-learned how crappy it feels to let myself and people down. I re-learned how much of a piece of c**P I feel like after engaging in gambling. I learned that when I partake in gambling it takes over my thoughts - I was out for dinner last night (after gambling) with a friend and all I could think about was how bad I felt and what repercussions were coming as a result...I was hardly present at dinner and that's not fair to my friend. I learned that I still need to go to counselling, and make it a regular occurance so that I keep my head on straight. I learned that I could have avoided this by not watching videos about gambling. I learned that had I just reached out to someone, they probably would have talked my out of it, for my best interest. 

I feel a little bit like a degenerate today, and I feel that all the trust I had re-built with my wife is once again gone...so now there is another long road ahead to repair that. I know it was a small amount, but it's not about the amount, it's about the action. I said I would stop, and for 88 days I did that, and then all it took was one lapse in judgement and I derailed what was becoming a good situation. That really sucks and now I get to relive the guilt of it all again. 

Hopefully, now, I can understand that I can't be apart of gambling - period. Can't watch it or partake in it, because when I do, there is a very good chance that eventually I will commit the action and act until I am out of funds...thankfully I do have some restraint and know that reloading is not a good decision, nor is putting any large sum of cash in play initially. In a sense it was a test, and I failed miserably, because the only PASS in this situation is passing on gambling in the first place.

So back to Day 1, hope to reach a lot more than 88 days on this go. In future I think telling my wife when I am struggling, as well as posting on here, is a good strategy to keep me on the right track.

For today I will not gamble. 

JB

Day 2

This time around Day 2 doesn't seem so helpless...I slept alright, with a clear conscious, but was woken early (yet feeling rested) by my sons cough attack from his teething/cold. I don't have flooding thoughts of gambling or even negative thoughts that I've been such a bad person, made poor decisions and don't deserve everything I've worked for, for myself and for my family. 90 Days ago I would be in tears right now, slumming & sulking around like I had ruined my life...I do not feel that.

I have reflected on my lapse, I have talked to my loved one about it, and am beginning to understand that my trigger was two things: 1) watching gambling on social media; and 2) receiving emails that my accounts have been activated. For 88 days I went with very limited social media watching in gambling, until this week when I started finding myself watching more reels related to the action, and generally speaking around 90-100 days ago was when I started to realize I had a problem and was self-excluding from a lot of apps/web pages at which I gambled. So that said, a 3 month cooling period, if I had chosen that method to quit, is up and is why I am/was getting these emails - I have now been self excluding for 2-5 years on any of the apps/webpages that have notified my of activation. This is something I've done since I came clean initially, but for whatever reason I did not have the will power to do it for the umpteenth time 2 days ago. It was ONE moment on poor judgement that crushed 88 days of growth - that is upsetting to me; however, there are also some positives to come from it all.

I have a come a long way since ground zero (day zero), and went 88 days without committing the act of gambling. That is progress, and it's progress because I learned a lot about myself in those 3 months. I learned how to belief in me, for me, and that my struggles, though me alone, come easier when I can discuss them with a loved one - either my wife or my buddy. And when I do that I have tended to ease my mind and make good decisions for periods of time afterwards. It's when I retreat into my own cave that the negative thoughts come more easily and poor decision making follows. So communication, being a discussion, whether in person or online (like this forum) has been a powerful tool in my road to recovery. I had a lapse to days ago, I have used the skills and tools I've developed over the past 90 days to help myself get past this in a more positive way.

At the end of the day, I had 88 days of self-restraint less one moment, which led to a few hours before realizing I felt ashamed and disappointed in myself for not taking a step back before I gambled and reaching out to someone - that for sure would have prevented the action. I spent $50 and didn't chase the losses, but was able to realize that what I had done wasn't what I wanted for me, it was a temporary slip of boredom and poor decision making. 90 days ago I would have rationalized putting more money down to chase the loss, be it savings (which I actually how now) or on credit (which is an absolute NO). I have paid down quite a bit of my debts and saved money, and that feels good and I like that feeling of a safety net. So, again, having that realization after my lapse, and knowing that the way I was feeling at that time was a low point, helped me to refocus, communicate my feelings and actions to someone, and find the drive to stop and move forward again.

I think everyone gets a little lost sometimes, and rabbit holes can be LARGE holes to dig oneself out of, but with some discipline, self respect, and understanding of ones feelings, the road to recovery, though bumpy at times, is a journey with a lot of small steps, and maybe some backwards steps at times. If you have had the strength to come this far and have learned, even a little, about oneself and how to use skills/tools you've developed during your recovery, when the missteps occur, it shows progress - and even the smallest of progress is a positive thing. Don't beat yourself up too much when you disappoint yourself and have lapse - instead try to find the positive from the time that you were gamble free. Use that period and reflect on what you did properly to avoid gambling altogether and how you made good decisions during that time period. Use that information to move forward again. If you are continuing to learn your triggers and how to deal with them, you are still moving forward. The battle and journey don't end, and remaining positive and calm, and reminding yourself of why you've chosen the path forward, are all important in the recover process.

For today I will not gamble.

JB

Hi there.  Just wanted to say well done for getting straight back on that horse and going again!👏👏👏.

Many of us on here have had relapses but the important thing is that we do not give up hope of having a better g.f life and we can do this by learning from our past - a relapse being one of them, which is what you have done 👌.

Take care, keep distancing yourself from any further gambling and my advice would be to not watch any social media related gambling whatsoever.

I wish you hope and strength going forward 🙏💪.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@j5a6meyr4z 

Hi Pink Lady. Thank you for your comments and kind words. I have certainly learned from this experience and 100% agree with distancing myself from social media videos or any videos for that matter - it was certainly the pre-emptive to the relapse and could have been avoided. I have been actively ensuring that when those videos appear I click to have them removed from my account…and there have been very little pop up since Ive done that. Gotta keep strong with that.

I have been doing well the past 24 hours, even with some alcohol consumption at a holiday party - my thoughts were pure and had none of gambling. 

Today is Day 3, and I will remain gamble free 🙂 

JB

Hey JB

Sorry to hear of the relapse, but many positives to take from the experience. You managed to stop before you did any major financial damage, you had the courage to admit to what you did, and you have clearly reflected on it a lot, and learnt from it. It is a good reminder to me and others I am sure to remain vigilant and never let ones guard down. Well done for picking yourself up, dusting yourself down, and continuing your journey down that road to recovery. 

@aoxbg6d3ji thanks for reaching out Roxy 😊 I Hope you are doing well!!

Day 6 - I have been doing very well of late, despite my recent lapse. I learned much from that experience, and between what I've learned, being busy, and truly understanding that in my heart I do not want this for me, I have managed to have minimal thoughts of gambling. Overall, myself, and even my wife, have been happier these past number of days. I think my coming forward to her and having a good discussion about the lapse was important for me, and for us, in that it kept communication open and helped me work through what I was feeling when I had my lapse. There were events leading up to it that can be avoided, but the pressure, the debate, the justification and the reasoning that I was going through were immense right before I pushed the "deposit" button. I was weighing out both sides, even after having previously self-excluded twice earlier in the day without question, and gambling James eventually took over and chose a path that regular James does not wish to follow. There was a lot of turmoil in the moments leading up to this decision, and reflecting back on that, it is not something I want to do - it is not a situation I want to be in. Quite frankly, my money is better in my account or investments for the future.

So to keep ones guard up, with respect to addiction, is still a very necessary trait/skill that I need to continue to work on. Clearly, with the right triggers, decision making becomes difficult and the mind likes to play tricks and convince oneself that a poor path is the right path. I think next time I will consult my wife, or my buddy, when I run into this situation - maybe even have my wife sit with me while I self-exclude, so I keep the strength/power of doing it, but show her that I mean business and that she can trust that I am doing what I say I am - less one poor decision in 93 days.

Today I will not gamble, and I will be thankful for all that I have in my life.

JB