Recovery starts now

Need to keep moving forward.

Hi Shattered,

Keep plodding forward, I know it doesn't feel good at the moment but give it time and things will start to feel better. Keep fighting and remember to be kind to yourself, your going through a ton of emotions/thoughts/feelings (whatever you choose to call them) at the moment but it will all pass. As everyone says...it's one day at a time.

Hi Shattered, Early days my friend so as you say " Keep moving forward " litte steps and One day at a time , it will get better and easier , we all look back and think of the waste of gambling which is fine but Someone much wiser than me said " It's ok to look back but just don't stare " .

Everything will improve !!

Take care and good luck with the rest of the exams !

Thank you Alan and onlyme for your posts. Yes I need to keep moving forward and things will improve. I must hope and believe that and keep my determination going. Wish you the best too.

One day at a time is the best way forward as i have learned ☺

Keep making the right choice, it will get better

S

Day 13

Received the news today that I passed my 2nd and most important certification exam. This will improve my job prospects and is a step towards financial recovery. Feel a sense of accomplishment and is good to have this under my belt before progressing towards this week's certification training. Need to keep moving forward. Thoughts of comparisons between what my peers have accomplished cross over my mind but I need to brush them off and focus on my progress. I might have been unwise with my time, money and focus in the past but no point brooding over it. What is lost is lost. Accept and move forward. Build on what I have. Keep learning, keep improving. Things will get better.

Day 15

Been a week of feeling highs and lows. In the middle of my second training week. Have an exam tomorrow so need to pick myself up now. Had a decent training today and have not touched prep work yet since reaching home after feeling a bit low. Need to keep my chin up and keep moving forward. Whats gone is gone. The situation is what it is. I have a choice to keep working on and I will need to keep making it hoping that situation gets better.

Your doing just fine shattered , the highs and lows are all part of the clearing out process and for a while you'll experience all sorts of wierd feelings and emotions , don't worry it doesnt last too long and the more distance you put between you and your last bet will make it ease a little more each day .

Yesterday can't hurt you anymore and tommorows a brand new day that will become anything you want it to be , keep looking to the future and leave any bad bits of the past well behind you .

Good luck with your exam and best wishes .............Alan

Day 20

Finished my second week long training last Friday and am waiting for the exam results of 4th certification exam. Hopefully I will pass but regardless time to make some applications now. Thinking of doing some online training too.

Day 22

Got my result for the 4th certification exam yesterday and was glad that I passed. So now I managed to pass 4 certification exams in the last 2 weeks. I was in an absolute ditch 2 weeks back and feel slightly better now. However I still need to carry on with my job hunt. I was hoping that these certifications would give me some confidence boost. They have to some extent but I still feel very low at times regarding the job hunt. There are always more that the employers want but I cannot afford to do another certification and need to find something that gives me income with what I have. I need to push on. Need to be positive and have faith in my abilities amidst the clouds of self loathing and doubt. What is gone is gone. Got to swallow the bitter pill that I will need to pay off my debts through hardwork and sweat. Probably better to just take it one day at a time and not think about the losses, the debts too much. Hard but keep at it. No point thinking much and getting depressed. Keep my focus on recovery, on what I have to do as the immediate next step. Tough but that is the way forward. Jobhunting and getting a job can look intimidating now, but need to remind myself that I was in such situations before and did manage to overcome it. Besides I must remind myself that I have taken some very positive and tough steps in the last couple of weeks to improve my situation and I need to build on these. Negative thoughts will come and go, I just need to hold on to positive thoughts and continue with positive actions. I have been in tough situations before and my track record of overoming these has been 100% so far. Need to believe in this.

Day 24

The week is about to end. Have been feeling down pretty much the whole of the week. Don't know what the issue is. I pushed myself through the gruelling certifications, got them but motivation seems to be low. Was expecting my confidence and motivation to be up a bit but since the start of the week it has been pretty much low. Have been having physical issues such and indigestion and also feeling anxious a bit. Have I pushed myself too much? I dont know. Just am stressed and pressured to get a job now. Have made a few job applications yesterday and not had a single response yet. Maybe I am being a bit impatient. Am flying outside UK on Sunday for 4 days due to a family issue so thinking of resuming jobhunt when back. Also stressed about buying a new flat as my approved mortgage (approved when I still had the job) might end in a week or two. Need to check with the bank. I had made an offer this week for a nice flat and next day the seller backtracked after accepting and has been MIA since. Have arranged for couple of house viewings tomorrow. Hope to finalize one of them. Something needs to work!!

No real wonder your feeling a bit up and down with all the stuff going on in your life right now , it's not gambling related so take a positive from that , job applications are never quick in receiving reply's these days and then there's the ongoing selection process afterwards and you know what house sellers are like ? one day everything's fine and dandy and then for no reason it all stalls ! . It is what it is and that's life my friend , dion't stress and live alongside it !!

All the best ....................Alan

Day 30

Tough 30 days. The silver lining is that I have not lost any more money to gambling.

Day 32

Feeling very depressed today. Sad thoughts of what if still haunt me. Can't help but feel really sad and depressed about my gambling losses. How could I do it? Why did I get carried away? What if I had stopped back then? Moving on is tough from these losses. Particularly when I now am still jobless and have some family commitments that I cannot fulfil due to these losses and debt pile up in front of me. It is the stuff of nightmares really. Feeling this low and down, wrecked with guilt and self hatred and remorse not to mention the stress. It had to come to this. Things could have gone even more worse and I shudder at the thought of how much more worse. Atleast I have saved myself from that fate. All this still appears so unreal and surreal. The aftermath of gambling losses. Never imagined it would be so bad. And to think of it, it could be worse. I have indeed paid a steep price for my bad decisions. Still find it difficult to believe or accept my gambling actions and their consequences. It is just very bizzare and painful. But hoping that something better will eventually come out of this suffering. This is perhaps the only way it can be for me to kick gambling out of my life forever. Experiencing the suffering, the pain, the agony, the bitterness, the loneliness is all part of the recovery I guess. And one day things will start getting better and start improving. I should always keep hope and remind myself that this is the learning, the purging, the recovery process.

Day 34

Read in one of the threads on here that "thinking about the past can pull you down. Draw a line under the past. Think that you were dropped from a spaceship in the current situation. What would you do? Would you not work hard and sort the situation out?" I would certainly roll up me sleeves, work hard and sort out my financial situation. What is dragging me down is the guilt and self loathing. I need to counter that. What appears a bit clear to me is that I used to gamble in the past to get over these feelings as well as redemption by winning my money back. This however led to more losses and more of these feelings therefore forming a vicious circle leading me to a downward spiral. I suspect that even if I had succeeded in recovering all of my lost money in a big win one night, I would still go back to gambling to deal with the accumulated feelings. So recovering all my money would not lead me to stop. Rather the attempts to do so would only lead me to further financial loss and continuation of the vicous circle and downward spiral. By not gambling I have put a stop to this self destructive dynamics. I now am face to face with a s**t load of accumulated guilt and self hatred as well as financial issues.

It is hard but gambling was never the solution; it was the source of this and further misery. Not to mention the messing up of my mind with harmful distortions. By not gambling, I am putting a stop to further damage - mental, physical, psychological, emotional,financial, social and also relationship. I am now left with the existing damage caused by my past gambling actions. I cannot go back in the past and change those actions. So I have to deal with the what is left. Had I continued/if I continue, the damage would have been/will be far greater and worse than what it is now. This has always been the case. The damage was lesser before and progressively increased as the gambling prolonged. Therefore it is paramount that I abstain permanently for what I will get by gambling is only further damage as gambling can only give me damage and nothing else. So why ever do it again?No matter what my personal situation, self-damage with gambling and bolstering the coffers of gambling barons through my hard earned money must never ever happen.

What I need now is recovery from the guilt. I have not stolen money from anyone and have not committed a crime. What I did was foolish yes led by delusions and distortions of my messed up mind and this was entirely of my own making. My actions have hurt near and dear ones to the tune that I have not been able to fulfil my financial obligation towards my granny's upkeep or support my youngest brother at times resulting in my other brother pitching in for me while I had to resort to lies. I also have not been there emotionally when I felt I was needed but have always been there when I was asked for. Still I could have done better without gambling. I feel guilty of lying and of not fulfilling my obligations and of not being there when I felt I should have been there. Of throwing my hard earned money away and accumulating debt. Of causing myself so much stress and hurting my professional career. I have tried to make some amends and should continue to do so. I cannot change the past, I can only do the right thing in the present.