So today I seemed to have a relapse. I have not gambled since June, then turn this evening and it seemed fine to have a little go. Which soon turned into a big go. Don't get me wrong I am not completely skint now and didn't carry on like I would used to.
I now own a house and have a fiancГ© and a puppy and so need to be able to financially provide. The last time this addiction got the better of me I was told this is it no more or else I lose everything. And I understand why that has to be - I need to grip real life by the horns and hold on to what I have. But with the fantasy world of winning big always in the back of my mind being surpressed it bursts through sometimes.
When I told my partner he didn't understand, and still doesnt understand how a gambling addiction is a real thing and how we have little to no control over what we are doing. Sure I have sat there many a time and said stop but did I? Not at first.. It takes a lot of reminding myself that it is real money and putting that extra £20 in isn't going to give me back what I lost. At the end of the day the companies don't care about us and whether we are able to control our gambling - they just want our money. If they did then surely they would block payments after a certain amount and ask if we are ready to continue with that deposit. That last question of are you sure you want me to take your £50 may change my mind. But then that doesn't give them the profits they want and get!
i guess I have just rambled on a bit there, I am trying to justify to myself whilst typing that I am not purposely pushing destruct on my life and that it is an illness that I cannot fully control at present. I know I can do it for periods of time but then I break.
I know honesty is the best policy but I am not going to speak to my partner about this, purely because he will not understand that I achieved not going way over board with the gambling and that I don't want to do it and can't help it. But I will speak to my mum because she seems to be happy to get a better understanding of it and what I am going through.
This is my recovery journal and I will get the better of this disease!
Hello Btapp
Thanks for coming back to the forum. Sorry that you've had a relapse but you're doing the right thing by coming back here and asking for help. In your last post in June you mentioned going for counselling - how did that go? You would be very welcome to c all the helpline again on 0808 8020 133. We're here 8am to midnight every day.
If you've called us before you might already be aware of things you can do such as installing blocking software. If you'd like a reminder, there's information on our website.
We wish you all the best with your recovery journey. Please do keep posting as you can get great support from the community of people who are going through, or have been through, similar situations.
Take care
Forum Admin.
Hi I called last night.. I didn't get round to counselling the last time I think there was a long wait time?
but I was given the number to call and so need to get on and do that on Monday, have to fit it around work.
i told my mum and sister who are good supporters. I chose to not tell my fiancГ© as it will potentially end our relationship and for such a small stupid moment I feel it's not worth it. I know it seems stupid and that lieing is not the way to go but I am trying to protect him and our future together. He doesn't understand and doesn't want to try and understand and that is hard for me.
i have downloaded a software and am now using this. I think I am taking the right steps to move forward and just have to keep on reminding myself that I am not alone in this. I guess it didn't help reading on a three on the new member forum that someone went on a website as it offered free spins and they won and stopped didn't carry on.. It planted a seed. I should've remembered that I will never win in that situation. They are the only ones to win everytime!
But I feel better today. I am determined I think being run down my mental focus and determination drifted a bit. But onwards and upwards. I can't change the past but I can, to a degree, decide my future.
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