Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Many thanks for the replies

Got to meeting last night, was a good one, actually got the courage to share, was a closed meeting and i related a lot to the speaker, hopefully God willing this is the start of my recovery, my sponsor agreed to help if i can go 10 days clean then for me to contact him. I've let him down in the past so many times, well actually let myself down. The pattern of my drinking / acoholism has been pretty consistent over the past 6 yrs since the birth of my first son, the hiding of drinks, the driving when under influence, and i've a gamble problem as well, the two went hand in hand. The warning signs have always been there, from me going away to uni, hard drinking really kicked off, i was a ticking time bomb, but the stress worry and fear of impending parenthood tipped me over the edge and instead of admitting my true fears and feelings, i hid behind the bottle, its a miracle i havent killed myself , someone else, ended up in jail , in the ward, and i believe my guardian angel was looking after me during some insane spells.

The biggiest worry lately has been the way its changing my personality , im becoming mean, argumentative, angry, making up stories , utter maddening behaviour, which the drink has caused, it affects every organ of the body, but really affects the brain, and its getting worse and worse, my mental health and withdrawls are getting worse and worse to point of every binge now has half hearted suicide attempts. My phsyical health has suffered, i've actually lost a lot of weight but thats because i've replaced eating with drinking, why eat it only takes longer to get drunk, what twisted logic is that , my bp has gone thru the roof, im 100% sure its due to my alcohol intake and then when coming off a binge it sky rockets.

Im only 39 but health wise i more like in my 50's yet i've still got a chance to recover, unlike my sister who just couldnt/wouldnt admit she had a problem.

My issues are impatience, i want a quick fix and yet i realise AA is a life long journey and i'll admit it, it bloody well scares me, but they promise me a life better than my wildest dreams, isnt that worth fighting for? I know what i need to do, meeting meeting meetings then start the 12 steps of recovery, alcohol is the symtoms of how my twsited brain thinks, i need to work on my defects of character, fear, self pity ,to name but a few. I need to think about the bigger picture about life not being all about me, one thing a friend told me and has told me is to stop talking about it and DO IT! LAst drink monday night, and another meeting tonight. I want recovery.

Mate, I do feel for you. You can and will do this. Doggy

Will without doubt 2017 was the probably the worst year i've experienced in my life, and 2018 could not get any worse, well it would be hard to top 2017, from alcohol benders to gambling benders, crashed cars, health issues physical and mental i've quite frankly been an absolute mess, always looking for answers but not wanting to put the work in to get them! Selfish putting myself before anyone, oh woe is me, how come he can drink why cant i , coming of benders involving gambling and alcohol, at one point i was sleeping on streets in the middle of the day clutchin g a botle of vodka- dear God things really got that bad, Alcohol only made the dpression i was suffering from even worse, and combine it with gambling and it just intensified, often leaving me suicidal or half arsed suicide attempts too bloody scared to actually doing anything, the pattern of 3 days on the booze 4 days off has been the pattern for entire year sometimes worse often better. but drinking a bottle and a half of vodka in one outing is not normal nor is the fear remorse guilt, shakes of coming out of a bender- insominia shakes, bed soaked from withdrawl with a really weird smell of putrid sweat my wife had to endure.

Bizarely im still in full time employment, i've managed to tie my job down but my attendance is awful with days here days there gone (all booze related) and my wife is still bizarely by my side- though is she had the money she'd be long gone, and she still sees the odd glimmer of light that i can change , which is almost faded out of sight for myself, my track record is appauling for adstaining from booze and gambling though i have managed 2 years off the gambling in the past but 2 weeks off the booze is a minor miracle for me, its the longest i've been off it in over 10 years!

without doubt i am alcoholic and have become alcoholic, normal drinkers dont hide their vodka bottles around the house or in their socks- i've done things that will hunt me for the rest of my life, but i still have the opportunity to make things right- im in the process of seeing community addictions and i will start a new mediction called campral today- a positive step, i 've also decided to go back to AA, a new year and new hope- i pray i;ll finely get it this time, cause i aint got many more chances, im 39 but i def dont look 39 believe me,.

So instead of burying my head in the sand im giving it another go- my boys are 4-6 now , they need a daddy a sober one

God bless your words Gav!!!

Just do it! Just take support offerred..you can and you deserve a chance in LIFE.

Your family needs you..YOU my dear friend. You can gift yourself something amazing & that is life!

By your side unconditionally

((((((Gav)))))) xx

Thanks SJB i wont give up- addiction had taken my gran and my sister well it s not getting me, im far from cofident but i have to keep trying and trying, addiction s are hard to beat but NOT IMPOSSIBLE! though it feels like it right now, i just need to keep it in the day not think 5 yrs down the line!!!!!!!! Many thanks for the words.

Hi, My names Gavin Im an alcoholic and compulsive gamber, have been for over 23 years and Im now 40.

I s'pose im kind of lucky to be alive right now with all the past half hearted (crying out for attention suicide attempts). I've been on this forum for well over 10 years, and have managed nearly 3 years of being gamble free (not alcohol) but addiction struck back with avengance and i'm now back in the place of 'Zero' savings, heavily overdrawn and calcuating i've blown around £35k in past 10 years and thats a conservative estimate.

The addictions have physically left me with uncontrolled Hypertension (high BP) , Pre diabetes, basically a walking talking stroke or heart attack in the making. Mentally a wreck, the alcohol alone was doing that but throw in the gambling and i've been well and truely off my rocker.

The sad thing is I have a wife and 2 boys now 5 and 7, who are starting to wonder why Daddy's behaving this way. One diagnosed with Autism and one with a terrible end of year school report, which i place the blame on me.

The guilt shame and remorse of addiction is pretty relentless and not very pleasant something which feeds for constant relasping, people telling me to change the future as i cant change the past- but the things i've done whilst intoxicated will hunt me to the day i say goodbye to this land, addiction caused me to do these things.

Im going back to AA tonight and giving this illness another battle, i've no where else to turn, I'm fed up with the countless relaspes that i often feel like just giving up, but how fair would that be on my boys 'WHO NEED A FATHER'.

Dam im in a dark frustrating place will i ever get this, learn to accept life , to change me, as 'change we must!' im not sure thats in GA but def in AA big book, i use to pretend just knock the gamblig on the head, and stick with the booze but both are equally destructive so both must go. Hard saying goodbye to something thats been your life for 23 years!

The debts will take months to pay off, thats if i wise up, i'll get down and pray for the compulsion and drive to gamble and drink to be removed , as i cant do this by myself.

For everyone on this site, i feel your pain, addiction destroys us spirtually and emotionally and add alcohol physically, and not just us but our famillies that surround us and love us.

I wish you all the best, and Hi ODAAT and Cardhue i remember you guys fondly.

Gavin.

Hi folks, My names Gavin, I am a Compulsive gambler and an alcoholic.

I have been about this site for over 10 years and have had several diaries however i felt the need to start a new one , a new start so to speak.

Im turned 40 in April and have been gambling/drinking since 16 starting with 2 P tuppeny nudgers and a 6 pack of beer. Like all addictions things progressed.

Since 2008 i've blown around £35,000 and thats a conservative estimate. A lot of money was spent prior to 2008 but not on the same scale.

I've two boys aged 5 and 7 both Struggling in school and eldest diagnosed with Autism, though he's a happy wee boy but very timid and nervous ( like his father!).

My marriage is rocky to say the least and has been prior to having kids. Its now at the point of breaking, and my addictions have played a huge part in that. On wednesday we've been married 10 years, and im overdrawn by around 2k , with no other debts apart from mortgage and car loan. 2k is not a big ammount but its currently significant as i have ZERO savings as i have blown all of it on booze and gambling.

Basically im skint and it will take prob 6m to a yr to pay off providng I WISE UP!

My health (mental and physical) have deterioated over the yrs , last yr i was getting nose bleeds and discovered my bp 235/132 i was put on 3 bp medications one recently doubled and even then my bp is out of control when i gamble and drink .

I also have been diagnosed with pre diabetes am a couple of stone overweight but heading to diabetes.

My mental health is rocky - either up or really down im not bi polar but im never settled- i've been on anti depressants since i 18 more or less contantly.

I tend to only gamble when im drinking and i used to kid myself in past diaries that if only if i could just get the gambling licked i would be ok with once vice ie drink. I have abstained from gambling for nearly 2-3 years after a lot of counselling. However lately i've been back at it drinking/gambling to oblivion its turned me into a compulsive liar where i even lie to myself i lie even when s it easier to tell the truth if that makes sense.

I gambled around 500 quid in a local arcade (which i previously excluded myself before but managed to wrangle myself back in again) i left after rolling about in tears thw owner took me outside and mercifully said i wouldnt be allowed back in and told me to get help.

Im in the middle of counselling and i've been referred back to community addictions and talked about taking my own life due to mental torture i've put myself , wife and kids through, though i understand that would solve nothing, and just make matters far worse for them having to live with my death all their lifes.

I attend AA and have been in and out of it for 7-8 years, i was in the process of getting a sponsor but my last episode i.e last week has probably screwed that up besides i was lying about my sobriety before that i..e. drinking but missing a few meetings and coming back pretending to be rosy and i understand AA requires' rigourous honesty' without it i've no chance.

The cracks are starting to show well they have been there for quite sometime warnings in work from drinking in work, and gambling. Crashed my car last summer (got away with it) my wifes car several yrs ago (got away with it) and honestly believe a higher power I call God was looking over me. However its now at point now where my wife has really really really had enough of my behaviour, my work is getting sloppy, im maxed out on my Overdraft im pshyically detoriating bp , diabetes, i smoke, im a walking talking heart attack wiaiting to happen.

But i still have the opportunity to change- to change me. I lost my sister and gran to alcoholism we have a strong family history of it and i believe my granda was a heavy gambler.

To say im petrified is an understatement i have low self esteem, and suffer from the dreaded guilt shame and remorse, the things i've done and said in the past will haunt me to the day i'll die. People tell me and its the truth that you cannot change the past you can change the future but i always look back with regret and it feeds the vicious cycle of addiction.

Anyway i havent gambled or drank today, im getting to a local AA meeting tonight and speak honestly about my relaspe and probably bawl my eyes out but thats ok, and fellow alkies understand. Im seeing my counsellor tomorrow and have been re referred to community addictions. I plan to look into meditation and relaxation techniques and i plan to get this diary updated regurarly. I going to hand my finances over to my wife though that has worked well in past and i plan to BE HONEST and how i feel.

I m scared im scared of me and what i've become, i detest me, and if i dont sort myself out i';ll lose everything including my life!

Gavin.

wouldnt let me start a new thread. so updating this one.

Hi Gavin,

Im not going to preach to you as it sounds like you have been here a while, so you will have heard it all before. I just wanted to say hi and that I hope you can find the strength to deal with your demons and to find a way past it all.
Damo

Thanks Damo Addiction really destroys lifes and famillies. I just dont do life very well, constantly needing to escape from me , via drink and via gamble to give the added buzz, Im actually glad i lost as if i'd won i'd keep on going. having dual addictions is torture the mental torture of gambling is hell add on the drink for extra depression = suicidal thoughts

Someone in AA messaged me ' Your scared of dieing and you're killing yourself at the same time!' Plain Insanity.

Im not a bad person im just sick, but i am selfish and suffer from low self esteem and people please , people dont think i have a care in the world when inside im a shivering wreck looking to escape from reality hence the booze and gambling.

I thought of not drinking again or gambling in my life terrifies me, but i have been told, keep it within the day , or even hour when i get it tight.

Steps

1) Obviously stop drinking and gambling and get my head together which will take 2-3 days.

2) BE HONEST- AA and familly.

3) Meditate - sort that progressive muscular relaxation technique out.

4) Pray- its funny when we pray for help when things are going bad- but it should be every morning and every night.

5) Clear debt- this will happen gradually if i stay on track. Leave cards in work over wk end or finances to wife.

6) practice love with my familly, my 2 beautiful boys and my wife who deserves better.

7) Get to as many meetings as possible but have some me time where it be cinemea or sport.

8) Dont beat myself up so much, i constantly ruminate over past actions, theres a lot of good in me, im just a sick person trying to get better.

9) Make recovery the most important thing in my life, without it, im either dead or worse end up with wet brain in Mental hospital.

Onwards upwards.

Gavin

hi Gavin,

just reading through your diary, the last post is a tough read. I feel for you with all that you have going on. I won't offer any advice as you've been here a long time, nothing I can say that you haven't heard a million times before. I will just say all the best for your future and recovery.

it's never too late to make things better. someone said to me that tomorrow will always be better than today.

take care,

A

Oh and be thankful for what i've got,

I've still got a familly, car, license , job, house and im still above ground not like my sister who died at 42 and left 2 kids behind and i sure as hell dont want to follow her i want to live but I NEED TO CHANGE, MY THINKING MY STINKING THINKING,

Hi Gav

Sounds like you are identifying the right things to change and be aware of.

When I read that you are into meditating, I wondered if you would benefit from ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)? It involves mindfulness and acting according to your values. Powerful stuff and integral to my non-gambling and wider ability to effect change. Get the book 'The Happiness Trap' by Russ Harris. ACT is proven to be extremely effective at tackling anxiety and addiction.

Whatever, you have to stick to your chosen paths. You mention low self-esteem. In Recovery, as in life, you can't wait for good feelings to come before you take action. You have to take action, EVEN IN SPITE OF the bad feelings. This is how you you develop confidence in anything, including your own recovery. You'll never just feel good for a long enough period to ride this out - and even if that magically happened, you wouldn't gain confidence, as we only gain confidence through overcoming adversity. The good feelings will tend to come after we act with confidence.

Glad that posting on this forum isn't a key part of your recovery, as that obviously wouldn't cut the mustard on its own. On the other hand....I do notice a pattern of posting with fairly alarming admissions, then disappearing, ad infinitim. Perhaps keep this diary regular, as a small part of your wider recovery - if only for my sake ; )

There are a lot of folk rooting for you.

Louis

Oh and glad you couldn't start a new diary. Starting a new diary, changing username - is all a load of bollo, pretend-y changes

Day2: Morning thanks for all the comments folks, and hi Louis i remember you from my early days, thanks for the sound advice. Meditating is something that has been suggested to me, as relaxation is ESSENTIAL in recovery, but first things first I need to Stop the drink and gambling the two are intertwinned. Then when the fog is lifting i'll look into it, i have a progressive relaxation cd at home which really helped years ago, i had plan to bring it in tomorrow and copy it onto my phone and get started 30 minutes a day. A counsellor recommended Mindfulness/ Emotional Freedom, friends have suggested yoga etc..

My problem and i believe my reasons for relaspe are simple, i am not happy with my sobriety and i DONT give myself enough time to start healing. I believe i have a montonous job, life, poor marriage struggling kids and im full of self pity and resent of other people and my thinking is ALL WRONG- Hence the need to escape from my thoughts and perceived woe is me and hence drink and gambling and oblivion. I NEED TO BREAK THE CYCLE AND CHANGE MY THINKING. and it takes time and will take time and im so flippin impatient and want it now.

Do you mean take action as in do steps to not drink gamble? I went to an AA meeting last night and spilled my guts out and cried and cried some more. I got sound advice and warmth and advice from all present. A lot said 90 meetings 90 days, and i cant do that as we have no evening babysitters and i work and my wife works wk ends- making it the most important thing in my life, i've yet to do that, im really confused Meetings work, i never or very rarely go away feeling worse than b4, speaking to fellow addicts who understand works, tried and tested.

Anyway better get back to work, im meeting up with hopefully a future sponsor tonight for coffee when boys at summer scheme, for one to one chat, then 10 yr anniversary wednesday , i was told to get to meeting that night, so on my 10 yr anniversary and after i mess my wife around for so long then i clear off on my 10 yr anniversary, yet im meant to do it and make it more important than everything else, i know what they mean as the ripple affect of recovery will be good for all, but i need to be selfish at start, argh heads pickled.

Heres a poem is reasonates with me.

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife
Whose judgement upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest
For he’s with you, right to the end
And you know you have passed the most difficult of tests
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears

If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.