Slowly but surely

Hi all,

i havent posted on here for a long time, i have relapsed and gambled and i feel absolutely devastated. i am back at day 2 of not gambling. i managed to find a site i hadnt self excluded from and put £2000 on manchester united beating hull at home at 1/4 to win £2500 and they drew. a little voice in my head said it was a "cert", an "easy" £500. i cant believe i listened to the voice. i am mortified i have let myself do this. i have since been on the phone to gamcare and i have got myself an appointment to see a counceller. i have installed blocking software to stop all gambling website and my partner is keeping hold of my debit card and monitoring my finances. she started putting trust back in me and ive blew it again. disgusted in myself is an understatement. couldnt sleep after i had done it and back to sqaure 1. i am on my last chance my fiancee has said and she means it. i cannot control myself.

i am going to come back on here regualrly as it helped last time.

ben

day 3,

going meeting friends tonight for a beer, will be opening up and being honest with them about whats happened. i want to come clean to the people who mean most to me. my fiancee is still furious with me and is showing signs she no longer wants to support me and i think she will tell me she wants out very soon. parents are next on the list.

sad times, all my own fault, i blame no one but myself.

ben

Ben

Gutted for you . Just been reading through your diary and you sound just like me in relation to your gambling - that Man U hull bet was exactly the sort of thing I would be doing . A banker. And 9 times out of ten they are but guess what we get suckerd in and eventually we bet on that 1 out of 10 that loses. The fact is you know as well as I do you wouldn't have stopped with that £500 if you had won. You would have thought you could do it again and again untill eventually you lose because we are compulsive gamblers and we can't stop.

You've got to go again mate this time make it a whole year as the milestone - whatever works for you. Look at why you relapsed? You were doing soooo well. Something must have triggered it . Anyway I wish you well don't beat yourself up too badly. Learn from it and do better this time

All the best

HI mate,

thanks for reading my diary and i really appreciate your response. yeah you are right, even if it won i was already looking at the next days fixtures looking for another "banker". my mindset was all wrong and ive gone back to basics and put things in place to stop me gambling - keeping my barriers up. ive got my first appointment with a counseller monday so hopefully that will help. i need to learn from my mistake and stop nowm before i lose everything.

thanks again

If your appointment is not till Monday and your anything like me your going to struggle this weekend . I really really struggle at weekends with all the sport on . I used to run my whole weekend by what sport I was gambling on . Deliberately setting up accumulators to run from Friday to Sunday night! All the football leagues etc.... anyway if you need help just post as many times as you like - we'll get through the weekend together .

All the best

yeah i will struggle big time. i used to do football accumulators friday-sunday. every league ranging from greek super league, portugal, belgium...even austria, anything at all id be on it. all the short priced favourites id be on them. id have about 10 accumulators over the weekend. both teams to score, corners bet. in hindsight its ridiculous but thats how bad it is. im going to struggle but stay focussed.

cheers

ben

day 4.

told my close friends last night about the relapse and the extent of my debt owing. they were shocked but are fully behind me supporting me. just going to keep my head down this weekend and get through the sporting weekend without any thoughts of gambling. its difficult that cheltenham is coming up as i love a flutter on the horses. finding it so difficult this time. going to have to tell my parents tomorrow aswell and drop the bombshell i gambled again.

Your doing the right thing mate telling people is only going to strengthen your situation and help you to not relapse again. It's so funny you mentioned Cheltenham as it's been on my mind recently loads. I absolutely love it every year but I think I'm just going to have to miss it - take a year off and just try and ignore it . Deleted racing post app and I don't get actively looking for horse racing news anymore so it is possible but going to be tough. Good luck this weekend

How you getting on Ben ? Stay strong today and tomorrow

Morning all,

9 days gamble free, i had a 4 day weekend which was nice so back in work today. told my parents everything, they were angry and upset but we sat down, discussed it in depth and come to a plan. my 9k in loans have been paid off early by them in full to save interest. i am paying them back in installments over 18 months. i am so grateful that they are in a position to do this. they are having full control of my bank accounts and after all bills have been paid i come out with £85 a week to myself to spend on whatever i want. time to move forward. also my fiancee has told me she is going to stay and support me through this which is a massive relief.

hope you all are well,

ben

day 10 today, nice little milestone, double figures. all good. been paid today. money taken account for. got a small amount for myself. had my first counselling session yesterday which was good and positive. stay safe all

ben

11 days today since i last gambled. going watching bolton tomorrow. theyre playing bradford away. should be a good day. then going to the cinema sunday with the mrs. keeping myself occupied and keeping my mind off gambling.

have a nice weekend all

Hi ben,

Just read your recent posts and see you and I are doing the same kind of time right now, trying to set the wrongs right. In our GA group we often talk about that banker bet, the one you 'HAVE' to get on. We ask, "ok, so you DO win, what are you going to do with the money? You can't tell your missus it magically appeared out of the air. So you have two options, 1) lie about where it came from (you're a compulsive gambler, so lying is second nature) or 2) you'll just have to keep spending it until it's gone (but of course it never ends there)."

It's easy in hindsight and when not involved to see how obviously stupid it is, but we all know that when you are caught up in it, it seems like the most natural, obvious thing to do in the world. Such is the messy wiring in our brains.

The good news is it sounds like a cert that you are back at this abstaining lark with a mighty venom and determined to use all the help at your disposal. Good on you and good luck!

Hi Whatami

thankyou very much for responding, i appreicate you taking the time.

what you have just said is so true and relates to me so much. you are right, when i did win, i bought my mrs a few things and the first words out of my mouth were "its a bonus from work", which obviously it wasnt. i was lying again. i lied and lied to everyone. it makes me physically sick now.

like you said, i am using all the tools to help me and putting the barriers back up. everything is out in the open now and i am so determined now its untrue. this really is my final chance. i will have a read through your diary and keep an eye on your recovery too!

thanks

afternoon all,

just checking in on day 14, 2 weeks now since i last gambled. due a counselling session again tomorrow. negotiated the weekends sport well, nice week at work this week, good shift times so all is well at the moment.

keeping my guard up

Ben