So it begins... Day one.

I've tried over and over to write my story out many times. It's even confusing to me, and it's my life! To start this diary of recovery off I am going to try one last time to piece my story together bit by bit so that I can then begin to piece my recovery together bit by bit also.

Although my gambling problems didn't occur until early adulthood, I think to gather a full understanding of me as a person, that I need to go right back to my early teenage years.

I was a bit of a problem teenager. The world was against me sort of person. I have always felt insecure and self conscious about my appearance and body. Between the ages of 12-15 I self harmed, had a 'borderline' eating disorder I believe it was referred to and I had three overdose attempts. During this time I had a child psychologist, but I feel like I 'fooled' her very easily, she didn't last for long before I was 'all better' and then that was pretty much it. I continued as I had previously gone on, and then I met my ex partner not long before my 16th birthday. There was a few occurrences at the beginning where I continued to self harm and have eating and body issues, but as the relationship developed and became serious, all the other stuff just sort of disappeared.

We went on to move in together after a couple of years and we had our daughter in 2007, I was 19 when she was born. Life really couldn't of been better at this point, I was truly happy. I decided to go to university after my maternity leave ended, and began studying for a degree in psychology. After my first year, I felt that I was ready to manage a part time job as well as studying and in June 2009 I began to work for an online bookmaker.

In November 2009 I found out that I was pregnant, although not planned we were overjoyed, but this was to come to an end, as 2 days before Christmas I had a miscarriage.

I was due to take my exams from semester one, year two in the January 2010, but applied for extenuating circumstances which were granted. I didn't think I required any further time off and continued into semester two as planned. For a couple of weeks I cracked on with the work. I began to suffer from eczema on my hands which I had never experienced before and finally mid feb 2010 I began to grieve for my loss and the pressure of university got to me.

I discussed it with my tutor and we decided I was to retake my second year starting Sept 2010. It would give me a fresh start and time to have a much needed break.

This is when my gambling initially began. I can't remember the exact timing but know that is around the summer of 2010.

It started off small on the horses after playing in just for fun horse racing competitions at work and winning I decided to give it a real go. I did well to begin with, but I have one week in particular that sticks in my mind as a 'key moment'

I placed a bet one day and had £4 left over. I clicked on to a slot machine to just give it a try, didn't have a clue what I was doing. Spun once, nothing. Spun again got on some sort of bonus and won £2000... All off a £2 spin. I truly could not believe it. Very happy of course with my win and bragged about it endlessly.

A couple of days later I placed a rather small stake of £1.75 on three horses, they all won at great prices giving me a return of £500. I was on a roll.

I decided to go back a week or two later and try my luck again, didn't win. Decided to deposit again, didn't win. Cut my losses.

Then I went back a few days later. Deposited. Lost. Deposited. Lost. Deposited. Lost. Cut my losses.

It got to the point in just the space of a few weeks where I was leaving myself with a bank balance of £0, each deposit increasing in value the more I was chasing my losses.

I went back to uni as planned in the Sept at this point like I say, my gambling addiction was in full swing, and the student loans and grants didn't help matters.

Then I broke my laptop. Again not sure of the exact timing but I'd estimate from around October 2010. I didn't have a smartphone or a tablet or anything like that. I did all my gambling online via my laptop. For around 12 months I was free of gambling. The late nights up on my own, the lying, the covering up of missing money by getting everything on credit and such all disappeared. I was back to 'normal'. At this point I had not really suffered much debt in regards to gambling, I did have catalogues, store cards and a credit card, and a student overdraft, however they were all being managed and paid accordingly.

Again I was happy for a while. I learnt how to drive during this time, and got a car on hire purchase. At some point my laptop was fixed however I didn't turn back to the gambling straight away. I estimate that I started gambling again in sept/oct 2011. Again it didn't take me long to go from a £10 here and there to leaving myself with nothing.

I forgot to mention previously that me and my partner had being trying for a baby with no success since our loss in dec 2009. By January 2012 I was very frustrated with the lack of progress and went to seek medical advice. I was now mid way through my third year at university but was slacking.

I decided to seek help in the form of university counselling service. I discussed my feeling about my burdening debts (at this point I was now getting debt collector letters and using critical money needed for things such as rent and council tax for food because I'd use my food money for gambling) no one was aware of my situation with gambling, my partner wasn't even aware there was a money issue because I dealt with all that side of things. He was and even still is to this day completely oblivious to it all.

I had one counselling session, then intermitted my third year at uni to go back in Sept 2012 to redo my third year! I never went back, if I had it would of been my fifth year studying a three year course.

From intermitting onwards, I have continued to gamble and can honestly say it has not been in control at all.

It's 3.49am... I've been writing this for ages and I'm actually tired although I was wide awake when I started. I don't want to just finish it for finishing its sake, my story still had a lot more to be added to it, so im going to leave it there for now and get my head down for a short rest.