Steady as she goes!

Hi Weld

Sounds like you are motivated for change. Whilst in this frame of mind get passport photos and self exclude from every betting facility you know. You are right when you say the feeling will pass and you'll possibly want to gamble again. Trust me once the urge passes you become even stronger for beating it.

I know that feeling of wanting to lose money. One day at a time is all anyone has so keep it in the day. Tomorrow is not here yet so don't worry about it.

Take care

Steve E

Thanks Stevey. I'm feeling good today, so will as you say take each day as they come.

hi kevin

just read your last post and like all of us know how you feel, you are about the same age has me and like yourself have been gambling for 25 years. it started has fun and under control but now its spiralled out of the universe in the last 4 years. Now been clean for 4 weeks anf feel really good inside,so I wish you all the best kev and between us all here on these diaries we can conquer our demons......

Gazza

Thanks Gaz,

I wish you well in banishing the demons.

I can proudly confirm my first day "bet free!"

I would admit that I did think about betting today but at no point felt at risk of going to have a bet at all and it was a good day. My thoughts as i go to bed tonight are good ones and not clouded by any events born from a day of betting.

I have managed to sort out a few work commitments that I had been "parking up" over the past few weeks and organised my week with a few extra meetings thus giving me a better focus for the week and a plan of action.

All in all, a good day and I look forward to my day 2.

Hi Kevin

You will get untold amounts of urges to gamble. That is natural and normal to a compulsive gambler. Not acting on them is the unnatural part. Once you getover one of those strong urges you start to realise that you can beat it. The strong urges are a tremendous torment and we rationalise why we should gamble etc. When it omes stick in there phone Gamcare do anything and you'll ride the storm.

Keep going matey sounds like you really want to arrest this addiction.

Take care

Steve E

Just wanted to wish you well - read your diary and you sum it up well how low it is on the bad days. Gambling is like a self inflicted wound. You let it heal a while and forget how much it hurt in the first place. Dont ever forget the pain, just forgive yourself for causing it - forgive but dont forget.

Kind wishes

Eyes X

Thank u for yr messages all. I have completed day 2 of my recovery today and feel very happy about it!

I would say that today, I didn't feel tempted to go back, but I have reflected quite a lot about the amount of money I have gambled over the years, particularly the last couple of years and it's making me feel quite sick.

My debts, though quite a big sum are not insurmountable, but I can't seem to get them out of my head today. With all the outstanding bills piled up whilst we (me and my partner) await someone to pay us it's a gutfull of regret I seem to be feeling. Since we run a small business, we don't actually know when we will get our next cheque in and time is pressing before the monthly rent is due, but I feel ok that something will arrive in time.

I even went to buy a pair of shoes today as the shoes I was wearing had a hole in the sole and were not exactly condusive to the image required for work. With only £15.38 in my bank account (for obvious reasons and purposes!) I stormed into TK Max and was delighted to search out a pair of black worklike shoes for £8.00! which after the VAT change cost me £7.87. Bargain! and mission accomplished, felt good for actually spending some money on something purposeful for myself for a change.

Amazing, why as a compulsive gambler couldn't I bring myself to spend a modest sum on a new pair of much needed shoes, yet throw hundreds of pounds at a single 29 second dog race from some place called Kinsley that I don't even know where it is!??

After band rehearsal tonight, called into tesco for a very small pose of flowers for the missus, who is fully supportive of my will to change, and got in at 12.30 am.

I can't stay up tonight reading the forum so long as last night I read until 4.00 am and then made myself late for my 10.00 am meeting in West London! Luckily, got away with it and client happy after our meeting.

Have two more meetings tomorrow in London, so don't want to be late and have made myself busy since Monday after the start of my recovery.

Well, with that I shall retire to bed and wish you all a glorious "bet free" day tomorrow!

Day 3 beckons, and once again I feel ready for it. Good night all.

Weldy

Hi Kev

For me it's the small things I do, in recovery, that help me in my quest. I had to change my thinking patterns and I used to day dream in a multi million pound lifestyle. Now I live modestly from day to day and keep it simple. Glad you are in great shape.

Take care

Steve E

Hi Kev

Just read your post regarding your shoes mate, and like us all we would rather squader our money on gambling rather than spending it on smething nice for our loved ones or ourselves. This is one of the reasons why kev im on day 30 bet free after s******g up to 3 to 4 grand sometimes in a day then coming home crying to my self of what a great holiday that could have been. I know im just into day 30 but The urges do get less agressive mate and hopefully for you and your family your life will get better.

Gazza

Thanks for your message Kev,

My entire life is (or was) entrenched in horse racing since the age of 6!(The age I was when I had my first bet) We own horses, have a bookmaking firm, I ride a bit too, my now ex-boyfriend of several years is also a national hunt jockey and in truth it is everything I have ever known! Alas Im now doing soemthing I have thought of for years and cutting all ties. Having your horse in training will be a real test for you. I have tried and failed to enjoy the sport without gambling. For me gambling is a fundamental part of it, plotting out handicap touches etc - I couldnt be around it and not be part of it. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you are stronger than me in that way and can still enjoy what truely is the sport of kings. For me those days are over now - I hope, though I feel lost - its almost like a sense of grief.

Best wishes

Eyes X

Hi all,

Well, day 3 is edging towards an end and I have almost completed day 3! Feeling alright about not gambling, though today my thoughts have been drawn by not when someone will pay us some money, but if anyone will pay us.

Having destroyed all the money in any accounts I had access to, I have suddenly become slightly paranoid that in the current economic client all my business clients will go to the wall, leaving me high and dry and seriously rueful of the money I have squandered.

Money's too tight to mention right now (another song!)

I may go to the chatroom this evening and see what's occuring there as I am home tonight.

Quick mention to LE - I'm in no doubt at all that you must be feeling a sense of loss and that it is a major change, but since you have made that huge step, stick at it and it can come good!

Weldy

Well, day 3 completed sucessfully, and I'm feeling very good inside.

Tomorow is another day and it's getting late so I'm off to get some sleep. I can't remember the last time I actually wanted to go to bed, so there's one improvement already.

Felt slightly more at ease today, though one time driving in London when I was worrying about the money situation, had those thoughts about maybe if I could just get a couple of winners I could pay that and that and....... then reality came back to me, and I knew that was just b******s and I reminded myself of my commitment to this "giving up" thingy.

It was just a brief moment and since I had no access to bet anyway it soon passed. But it showed me again what my life had become, how easy I could slip and I really don't want it back at all.

Anyway, where was I ? oh yeah - bed!

4 days completed and going well.