Steady as she goes!

Hi I have to admit I do enjoy a bit of quiet "me" time but when I try to get it you can guarantee I end up with a house full!! so try and get used to the odd chill out time, it will help keep u focused. And good luck with the gig. I lv Addicted to Love (kinda reflects my personality!).

As you say heres to a quiet gamble free day. Min x

Hi all,

Day 42 for me here, six weeks and all going along pretty well. Had a reasonable gig last night, crowd was a bit thinner than I had hoped, but I think too many people stayed in to watch BGT instead of getting out to support real music! (Rant over - watching it now myself on demand - it's been a really good show this year).

I wanted to write about something today on my diary, which is that it seems that many seem to be kind of struggling with urges to gamble right now. I know that this is always constant in this forum, it's just that within the group of people that I correspond with the most on here, who have been doing really well, it is unusually common all at once.

I think there are many reasons in peoples personal lives that trigger these feelings and thoughts, and they constantly test us.

I also think there is a common thread that keeps popping up. As we continue with recovery, things improve both financially and emotionally, and yet we all seem to have this burning desire to revert to where we were before? Why? Seems totally illogical in any normal thought process?

It seems that even though we arrived at a desperate point that brought us to this forum in the first place, we have this trigger within us that wants us to return to that dark, unhappy place?

Do we only remember the good times we had when we were gambling? Do we not remember the many more bad times brought on by the gambling? I cannot explain this?

It seems that financial recovery is a common thread. As things get "better", we seem to become a little complacent? We know that things are not as desperate as they were, so we seem to allow our thoughts to say, "well it won't matter if we have a small bet" will it? Some have likened it to "rewarding" ourselves for doing so well?

When we have some spare money in our pocket, we seem to feel we can take a little risk with our recovery?

This is naturally a dangerous course of action, as we all know that "one small bet" can easily lead us back to where we were before. So, why would we want to take that chance? Our cool, calm head will tell us not to do that, our gambling heads are a different matter.

I also think that once that line is crossed, that we break our recovery, it becomes so much easier to cross that line again, and again. Maybe this is what some CG's still consider recovery? Who am I to determine what the definition of recovery is? Maybe for some, an occasional bet is ok? maybe for others, this is the trigger that finally brings about total destruction? Will everyone be saved? I guess not, it is at the end of the day down to ourselves, it's our own life.

So what's the point of this post? Well, it was just to explore the thoughts and processes that we all go through on a daily basis. Do we chose not to gamble?

We chose not to gamble, as long as we remember why we are choosing that path. If we stray from the path, we gamble with our futures, our own lives, and the lives of those close to us and around us. We have a responsibilty to ourselves. Only we can decide.

Take care everyone, chose carefully what we do, and remember one day at a time, we cannot be sure of where we are going in the future, only the here and now...

Weldy

Hi Weldy,

I find myself nodding in agreement to much of what you say. By and large it all pretty much applies to me.. its that word.. "complacency" I think. Its very easy to forget what brought us all here (especially in my case after alcohol).

When I am fondly remembering the days when the machines kept spinning me wins I conveniently forget the day I spent sitting on top of a multi-storey car park trying to will myself to jump off OR on another occasion the pitiful look on the nurses face as she stitched my wrist back together. Its all forgotten when I think of flashing lights and three or four 7's in a row.

Logically and intellectually its all absurd in the extreme. As you say "why do we do this to ourselves??" ..if it was all about money it just doesnt make any sense to continue gambling.. and that of course is where the deeper emotional issues come in and thats why when the financial situation stabalises.. it doesn't necessarilly mean that urges to gamble will go away.

In fact I find that becoming fully in touch with the reality of my life does at times feel emotionally painful. In a way being in a perpetual state of crisis through gambling could simply be a way of avoiding reality. I choose to continue to face my reality. At this moment in time I am fully in touch with my gambling past and I do not want to return to it... one day at a time of course!

Anway ive digressed a bit. Well done on your 6 weeks free from the gambling. I get a great deal from reading your thoughts... thank you for sharing them. All the best to you and your on-going recovery.. S.A 🙂

Your last post was thought provoking. I asked myself the question "what is my recovery about. Total abstension for Jasmine. Your diary saved me.

Thank you....Jas x

Hi Weldy

Your posts are starting to get as long as mine 🙂

Thinking back to some of my past experiences i wonder if any of my first bets back into gambling have been as a result of me trying to test / prove my resolve. Sounds contradictory but I have previously got complacent when I've been off the gambing for a while and the pain slowly starts to subside and the finances improve. For example, I may decide to meet friends who gamble in the bookies before we go out to watch a match on tv, or I may decide to pop in to my local bookies to chat to the girls behind the counter I haven't seen for a while.

Maybe not during that first visit, but on a future occasion I'd think well i've been in the shop now with my mate and not gambled so could I have a small 'fun' bet and see if i can stop again.

Looking from the outside in this is clearly madness given my compulsive gambling nature but it has happened to me a couple of times.

I could liken that first bet to us men when out on the beer. We can be fine for the first 4 or 5 pints but after we've been to the WC the first time the 'seal' is broken and each pint thereafter we have to keep revisiting !!!

I now haven't had a bet for 14 days and I'm pleased with that.

I'm less pleased that I decided to go into the bookies yesterday (partner outside in car) to put a pound on 3 numbers on the irish for brother in-law. He doesn't bet and doesn't go in the bookies but week in week out he pops around to our house on Friday evening to give me his pound for his three numbers. It was bizzare because whilst I had no intention of betting myself and just getting to the counter and out again straight away as soon as I walked in a natural reaction kicked in and I looked up at the screens for a split second to see what event was next off. It was like for that split second that a little devil on my shoulder took over and tried to pull me back in.

I know I'll have to stop this, I'm just in the process of trying to work a way around it. As we've discussed on previous posts I don't want my partner to think I'm back to a stage where my gamling is out of control again whenever I'm in a tempting situation. And I definately don't want to admit to my brother in-law that I don't have the willpower to walk in and out without having any of my own bets.

I also watched the dogs final night on tv on saturday night because my partner was out and there wasn't much else on. I should have come and watched your band instead 🙂

So after day 14 I'm already starting to get complacent. Very dangerous and I know I need to get back to how I was feeling on day 1 to get that fighting spirit and resolve back. Time to read more posts and in particular my own post from day 1.

I'm really pleased for you that your doing so well yourself, keep the posts coming.

Speak soon

LA

Morning!

Thanks for posting on my diary Weldy.

Been reading through diaries today and feel a little sad some users don't seem to post anymore. Oh well, we are still here!

Keep going strong.

Jas x

Hi Weldy

Thanks for the advice over the weekend. Its been a struggle but start of a new week and I intend to stay strong - I think the Derby looming has a lot to do with that as Im feeling a bit left out with there being a big derby day extravaganza as usual with all my family and everyones talking about it.

Im most P**sed off that Im gonna miss all the company and banter but dont feel I could go and not bet.

Hope you have a happy monday and those cats give you a long lie tomorrow!

Eyes X

Hi Jas and all,

I am glad that my thought provoking post had some positive outcomes to what seems to have been a difficult time for many.

I am trying to come to some conclusions about what it is that deep down drives us back to a place that we are all so desperate to get away from in the first place.

I think that complacency is a big factor in destroying the recovery of many CG's, time moves on unabated, regardless of our state of mind and our various stages of recovery. So as we become more acustomed to our improving situations, we become more distant from those feelings of guilt, shame and unhappiness brought about by our gambling. We need to be constantly reminded of those feelings in order to keep us from breaking away from the recovery and falling back into old habits.

"Old habits die hard"! Whoever wrote those words wrote them for a reason, they obviously had the same experiences of failing to change their lives for the better on a regular basis. So it's bound to be an issue for us recovering CG's.

I am strongly in the belief that we need to read and post on this forum on a very regular basis, in order to get the most from it. Time and time again, people come back here and say that they can see that their state of mind has deteriorated as a result of not visiting the forum. We need to read the diaries, not just the latest posts, go back through them, including our own and refresh our minds.

I can also see this time around for me of the importance of putting in effective, non-movable barriers to aid our recovery. When you think about it, we would all have jumped through burning hoops to ensure we could get our daily fix of gambling, so why should it be any different in recovery? Without closing the doors that enable our gambling, we might aswell admit that it's just a matter of time until we go back through them.

With regards to other aids in recovery, I realise that we are all different, but we must keep an open mind about them.

I have been recovering using this forum alone as my main motivation, and help and advice source. I am not having councelling nor do I attend GA. However, for some, the experience of GA has been a great and inspiring source of guidance and I don't want anyone to be put off going. Likewise, councelling can really be important for others just trying to come to grips with many underlying problems and influences that ultimately lead to them gambling.

The point being that we all need to find our own way of dealing with the need to stop and arrest our gambling.

And mores the point, it is a constant thing, never to be treated with complacency, that we must never stop putting in the effort to help ourselves. Time + effort = reward.

If we stop trying, we fail. Nothing can be achieved without putting in the right effort in the first place, nothing happens if we don't do something about it. Burying our heads in the ground just doesn't help.

I have been a gambler for twenty years, less the last 6 weeks! But in that time, through many failed and half-hearted attempts to "quit" I have learned many ways of assisting me to stop. But until now, I have not acted upon them. Maybe I just didn't want to? I hadn't had enough? I hadn't hit "rock bottom"?

Where is that place? (Rock bottom) It's clear to me that it is a mystery place that is different for each and every one of us. And just how are we supposed to recognise it when we get there?

It seems to me quite common that many CG's are very capable of abstaining for lengthy periods when, as they put it, "they have no money left". But as soon as they have money again, where do they go with it? I don't need to tell you where.

So it's obvious isn't it? Whatever the stage of recovery, we cannot be trusted with money, full stop. Sooner or later, IF WE ALLOW IT, it will try and get the better of us and it invariably does.

So, onwards and upwards. I am still thinking about this recovery thing, I am still working at it, I am still a recovering compulsive gambler - because that's where I want to be.

Weldy

Oh, and just a quick moan.... When are the government going to realise that relaxing the gaming laws a few years ago was a mistake? (yet another I might add!)

I live in a town where they consider it ok, to give change of use permission to a property (ex bar & restaurant) into yet another betting shop!!!

There is already a L..s within 20 yards (YES 20!!!) and a C...Ls less than 100 yards away.

There are already enough opportunities to lose our money, so what's the point? (I guess it make self-excluding easier!!!)

It beggars belief!!! Weldy

Hi Weldy

I do agree with you in regards of too many of these establishments. However some people can just have a small bet and leave it at that. For them it is healthy competition. For us it's temptation and we have to live with it. I try and see it as a challenge. I will not gamble in any of these places today and that's good enough. Just carry lots of photos around with you to self exclude. Gambling will cause major problems in UK in the future but I'm not sure the Govt are allowing it. Maybe they lost control of drugs and now hoping the country become gambling addicts and that will not be so open as the problems caused by gambling. Or so they think. Sorry to rant on, on your diary.

Take care

Steve E

Hey Weldy,

I too am incensed at the amount of online gaming adverts, sneakily disguised as sponsors of shows such as Jeremy Kyle (and him a recovered cg!) I have a complaint being investigated with OFCOM as we speak as I feel they have a duty of care.

I was beside myself when I knew my daughter at Uni had opened an account for the free £40....all her friends had too. Catch them young!!!

Ranting Jas

Thanks Ade, and for the other posts people.

I'm just trying to keep up some self analysis to try and gain more understanding. Whilst the benefits of encouragement and normal day to day posts are most welcome and good for the mind, I don't think they go far enough to keep us on the straight and narrow.

Just thought that trying to analyse a bit more and understand ourselves, triggers and the like can help us all just a little bit more?

Well, I have just finished a piece of work that took all day from 9am til 1.30am and I'm shattered! Only trouble is, it has to be delivered by hand to East London by 10.00am, so I'll have to be up again at 6am!

Still, no room for gambling so has it's advantages!

Weldy

Hey Weldy (aka workaholic)

Been reading your posts and msgs(thank you) and you amaze me how focussed and insightful you have stayed over the last 2 months. You never seem to lose sight of keeping gambling at bay where as i am up and down like a yoyo.

Keep that approach going for all our sakes buddy.

Eyes X

Hi Weldy

Just a quick post (for a change) to say hello and to say thank you for the encouragement you offered me during my first week of posting. You and quite a few others made a real impact on me during my first week and for that I am really grateful to you and to them.

Have a great day tomorrow

LA

Hi all,

Thank you my friends for your kind words.

When I write my posts, i really find that I get so much out of this diary, just by writing what I am thinking and what comes into my head. It is my therapy for keeping on top of my gambling problem.

It helps me to keep focused, to not become detatched from my goals, and to remember why I am depriving my mind from what it "naturally" wants to be doing.

Because that is truly what it wants to do. Just because I am in recovery, fighting this fight, it doesn't stop my subconscious wanting to return to my old ways. It's constantly there, but in the last month and a half, I have learned to suppress it.

It has in all honesty, taken me 20 years to feel able to tackle it, so I just feel determined not to let this feeling go away.

I think that I may have been pushing this forum a little too much over the past few weeks. Holding it up like a torch, like it was the answer to all our prayers, and sometimes telling people to post more. So if I have come across a bit too strong at times, I apologise.

But I really do believe that this forum is a really great place, and that the only way to keep it a great place is to put in the effort and post. I don't want it to "fizzle out" and to become something that was just a fad.

I want to post, to read, to be inspired, to try and help others, to lean on them, and have them lean on me.

Time and time again, people seem to come back and say that they stopped posting, and the inevitable happened!

Now I know, that the reason why we fall back is not just because we stopped posting. But it is because we lost our focus.

So I post, read and keep on posting and reading because it keeps me focused. It reminds me every day why I am doing this. One day at a time.

Weldy