Just paid out a shedload of bills online and feel sick in the stomach as a result. Could have paid all these a few weeks ago with money that I lost in the previous few months.
Some of my bills were just legalised robbery!
Makes no f**** sense all of this sometimes, and I'm feeling rightly P****** off right now and really angry!!
If I had any money left, (which I don't) I could seriously do some damage with a wreckless bout of gambling!
I suppose it's a good job I returned to this site, otherwise I guess I wouldn't have been able to pay the bills I just paid.
11 days without a gamble, feels like forever.
Still doesn't make me feel any better. It's just me against the rest of the world right now!
Weldy
Hey Weldy,
Every month and year gamble-free starts with 11 days just like you've completed now.
I know it's c**P having a tiny amount left over after all the monthly bills have been paid, but at least they've been paid, and you're not making up back-debts on bills.
Hope the morning brings a better day for you, all the best.
Ryan
Hey Weldy,
You were up late!
I know exactly what you mean about paying out shed loads of cash. Every month is like that for me...groundhog day. The money goes in and for a day or two it feels like I have cash and then wham....the dd's kick in and the lot has gone...leaving......well.....hardly anything.
11 days gamble free is great Weldy. What you needed to pay out would have been there whether you were gambling or not. Thing is...if you were still gambling you probably wouldn't have the cash to pay your commitments....because the gambling Gods would have taken their share!
It's good to let your anger out...this isn't easy....but you are giving it a good go. That's all that matters.
Jas x
Well, I'm 2 weeks back into my non-gambling mindset and I must admit I'm finding it really difficult. I am really missing it. Yet, I must also say I'm not missing the sleepless nights and the constant niggling in my mind about the day's "near misses" or the "if onlys" I always had to endure.
So on reflection, I know this is a good place to be and I also know I'm better off emotionally and financially as a result.
I have tended to read more than actually post on this site since my return, partly because I find it more difficult to write than I did before. The forum has a different edge for me this time, i'm not using it as a crutch as much as I did before, more as just a helping hand.
I don't feel as strong as I did last time around, which is a concern seeing as I didn't succeed in the long term of kicking this addiction.
However, as a result of last year and finding this site I am a lot better off than if I hadn't had found it, even though I slipped back into old habits eventually.
One of my concerns is that I have stopped and yet I don't feel like this is forever. It's like I have regained control to sort out the problems that have arisen due to my last lapse and that once I feel that I have done enough to have put this right, I might be unable to prevent myself from heading straight back to the same old habits.
I seem to have read a lot of posts recently that refer to not wanting to continuously feel that they are a recovering CG every moment of the day, and that kinda sums up how I also feel myself.
Anyway, for the present time I'm happy where I am and I guess I will continually reassess where I am in my life and what part if any, gambling plays in my life.
For now at least, it's not controlling me or my life, I'm doing that for myself right now.
Things are improving, getting better and so that's enough contentment for me at this stage.
Weldy
well done on the 2 weeks weldy. . . Your right its all about being in control and for me it has to be total abstinence. . This is a gamcare site and is encouraging responsible gambling tho so your free to post whatever you feel but reading back over your diary i think you were much better off in being bet free. . Keep up the fight you ve done it before and will do it again 🙂 !
23 days...
Work and pay bills... mainly!
But did have a cool weekend with my son (and another 9 youngsters!) as he was 16 on Sunday (where did that time go?) climbing trees on a "go ape" site in the woods, with zip wires and obstacles. Much fun and all that!
Weldy
26 days...
I seem to be approaching things slightly differently than I did a year ago with gambling thoughts not dominating my brain as much as they did back then.
As a result of not gambling I have managed to arrive at my meetings and band rehearsals early instead of my customary lateness which has prompted numerous comments from my friends and colleagues. I had forgotten that had repeated itself last year when I was free of gambling.
About a year ago (almost) I bought a new pair of shoes, which in my diary last year was a BIG event as I rarely bought myself anything. Yesterday, one of the laces snapped so I figure they have served me a whole year so I may just go out and treat myself to a new pair. Looks like shoe buying might become an annual event!!!
Onwards... ODAAT!
Weldy
I'm with you bro....I also very rarely buy clothes etc unless something breaks to the point it is completely unwearable. I've got a pair of tidy shoes and a suit that has sufficed since I left uni 5 or 6 years ago, and four pairs of jeans and 5 or 6 shirts that get rotated. I've got one pair of trainers in which the heel has started to go...but I think I can hold on until the autumn with those!
Congrats on keeping on the gamble-free wagon...I wish I could adopt your timekeeping....I tend to leave as late as possible whenever I'm going anywhere!
Ryan
Hey Weldy
Cheers for the support re. the funeral etc.
I Know what you mean about your recovery - I remember you buying those shoes last year! Maybe you are going in a cycle now. You did so well last year and remember how you started finding time for your music and your job to do both better?
That will happen again.
Wishing you well, always my old pal
EyesX
30 days..... that went quickly I must say.
The usual money problems have kicked in, bills coming in thick and fast, partly my own fault as a consequence of the previous spell of betting, but at least for a whole month I have added nothing to it.
Nobody seems to be paying on time these days, my clients seem to think that I can live on fresh air alone! But hey, I'm afloat because I'm not gambling!!!
Onwards and upwards!
Weldy
Been out and spent a few quid on myself for a change. Was good, nice to get some new stuff.
Weldy
Hi Weldy,
Good to see your back on track with your recovery. I keep trying to quit but everytime i fail and try again i learn something everytime. From reading your diary it seems you more confident in what you need to do and how you are going to recover. Keep up the good work mate
Jimmy
all is calm and bright... the weeks are flying by, summers here and the golf course is calling... again.
Weldy
Hi Weldy
Glad all is calm and bright with you, know what mean by the weeks flying by...Funny realy time is going so much quicker now gambling is no longer in my life.
Anyway just wanted to say hi, been ages!
Enjoy the golf and i hope you have a great summer, take care.... ands
Up working at 3.50 am - guess you just can't take compulsive behaviour completely out of the equation!!! I really must go to bed!!!
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