Step one

I suppose at times when friends or family showed a clear addiction I’d be would at times think to myself something on the lines of it’s your choice you have control of what you do...

Yesterday I finally admitted to my family  I have a gambling problem and that was one the hardest things I’ve possibly had to do in the 26 years of my life and I’ve been through some c**P just like many of us. I’ve also had a little go gambling scratch card here and there or even £5 or £10 on an online casino but lockdown number 1 hit and things got bad. My first eon was £500 on a single 50p bet I’m not working at the moment so that to me was bigggg I withdrawed the money with no issues at all. When that money hit my account I thought £20 out of £500 won’t hurt let’s give it another go and low and behold I walked away with £290 on a 20p bet... flipping heck I thought this is easy money and withdrawed again I was doing the right thing I was taking my winning “ I was ok” now Believe it or not I kept that money which last me a few months but I was still putting the odd £20 on casino sites. The site I was playing on I was constantly hitting big ( in the beginning)  around 4 weeks passed and I was still gambling but the big wins had stopped but I still had over £500 in my bank so I was still OK now as I’m sure we all know money doesn’t last so that money was gone before I knew it I’d paid my bills on time I’d have nice food in my fridge for one and I’d even managed to treat myself to some nice clothes. When that money was gone I was back to my benefit money and still trying to get a job with not much success I was living on 148.70 and living alone so in my mind I had to get that topped up again and the only way I knew how was to gamble at times I would make profit sometimes I’d even make big profit but with everything I was losing to get that profit I clearly didn’t realise I was spending more than I was winning. Fast forward to Sunday night (14th feb) my benefits cleared so I opened my online casino and I deposited £20 no luck deposited another £20 no luck and then I deposited £100 thought I’ve got to win on that it’s £100 by 5am Monday I didn’t have a penny left of my benefits I had no food in and barely any and electric so Monday I told my family I’d had an issue with my benefits and if I could borrow £50 until it was sorted and they did but I didn’t go and buy food or gas and electric I put that £50 on the same casino site and lost every single penny I had a feeling come over me like no other I cried like I’ve never cried before and I finally told my mom the truth the money goes out and works very hard for I’d blown it and it was honestly the worst feeling I’ve ever felt I don’t think that guilt will ever leave me... I needed my moms honest I words I knew a very long ago I needed help but it took this time realise. Today I’ve had to sell my Xbox that also kept me sane during lockdown to buy some food and pay my mom because more than anything I want to give her back her hard earned money. I’ve also been in touch with gamcare over the phone where I spoke to a lovely lady who talked me through all the steps I’ve now self excluded from every site for 5 years! I’ve also been referred for some further help. I know this isn’t going to be an easy journey but it’s one journey in life I have to take because I’m so emotionally drained. 
Here’s to step one!