Hi, Shorty, this is Juliette999 that was. I have been struggling with pc not working then couldnt remember my password so finally came back with different e mail.
I have had some major slip ups since christmas so I really need to get my act together and start all over again. Not going to count the days, just take one at a time.
See you nearly went on a poker site, I play alot of facebook poker (zynga) you dont have to deposit, it is just for fun, you get so many free chips and the more buddies you have they can send you chips, its just a bit of fun but quite exciting. Are you on facebook? If not give it a try, its good.
Well you keep strong, pleased to see how well you are doing, keep it up.
Thanks Lucky Jim...forgot I'd even written that. Reading it back it doesn't sound like me but I know it was and I know that I need to get back to that place again where I was 100% committed to this recovery!
Thanks Juliette....sorry to hear you have blipped 🙁 I have tried that zynga poker but it doesn't have to same effect if you're not playing for real money unfortunately!
Think it's day 109 now...the last 3 days have been easy. Have been at home, kept myself busy. It's so much easier when I'm at home now, completely the opposite to this time 8 months ago. Its amazing what not having a computer at home does for you!!
Possibily the most tiring week in history..and I had monday off! Roll on the weekend thats all I can say. On the plus side am too tired to think about anything but my bed!!
Day 110.
Day 111...if I had my gambling head on I would say that was a sure sign from God to put my money on number one! Ridiculous way to think....really, I'm an educated human being with a decent job why was I so sure that I was receiving signs from God when I was gambling?! CRAZY!!! They need to put me in a padded room and throw away the key!
Anyway...feeling much more positive this week. No urges like last week thank goodness...continuing to ride that rollercoaster of mental torture! Keeping busy and feeling tired definitely help with the urges, all I want to do is relax and chill out at the minute, not looking for any excitement!
Hoping for a bit of snow this weekend 🙂 Love getting the woolly jumper on and snuggling up on the sofa watching a movie whilst its cold and snowy outside 🙂 plus if its snowing I won't want to go anywhere and I won't spend any money lol 🙂
Day 112...exactly 16 weeks ago today.
The positivity continues. Just went out at lunch and bought myself two new items of clothing. How about that?! I have money to spend on myself because I don't line the pockets of the bookies anymore!!! Yes, I have a million and one debts to pay off but the occasional treat is a must in this long road of recovery!
The hard part is thinking about the hundreds of pairs of designer shoes I could have bought with the money I have wasted 🙁
Have a fabulous weekend everyone 🙂 bring on the snow!
Remember - addiction to designer shoes is far worse than gambling.
Day 115...I really think I'd prefer an addiction to designer shoes! At least I'd have something to show for it!
No urges or thoughts all weekend. Loving my recovery when its this easy...but I know that this is just a phase and the horrific urges and dreams of that BIG win will return. Am going to enjoy this phase for as long as it lasts 🙂
Day 116...there seems to be a theme running through my life at the minute....BOREDOM! And boredom is a very dangerous thing to a gambling addict!
I need something to replace this addiction...I have rejoined the gym blah blah blah but nothing is giving me the thrill of betting. Is that a fact that I am just going to have to get used to? That I will never have that excitement again?! How depressing (but not as depressing as losing my family and my house). I need to have a word with myself!!!!
Day 117. Not feeling as bored today thank goodness. Busy at work. No thoughts, no urges, at the minute it's like 'it' never existed.
Looking forward to a busy weekend with lots of vino 🙂 been a while since I have been out on the town so looking forward to letting my hair down!
Annual bonus letters come out next week, not very hopeful for more than £500 but I guess its better than nowt and it will be nice this year not to waste it on gambling and use it to clear a bit of debt and maybe treat the family to something nice 🙂
Day 118...once again enjoying this nice peaceful time of having no thoughts or urges...the calm before the storm I guess! When or if the storm returns I have no idea!
Nearly Friday thank god! Seriously living for the weekends at the minute, getting outta bed in these freezing conditions to go to work is not my idea of fun!!
day 119...by the skin of my teeth once again. See how quickly this S**t changes?! Yesterday I was on cloud nine and last night I was home alone and attempting to find some mobile casino that I had not self excluded from. I am pleased to annouce that my previous actions of joining and self excluding every mobile casino ensured that my attempt at throwing my money away FAILED! Luckily there was no laptop in the house (there hardly ever is anymore) otherwise I am sure I would have found something I hadn't self excluded from.
So....clearly the thoughts and urges continue to remain even when I think they have subsided. I have to applaude myself for spending the time to self exclude from casinos that i wasn't even a member of. Without these barriers in place I would 100% be back at day 1 today. Not somewhere I want to be EVER AGAIN!
Anyway...here's to a fab weekend, even if it is *** freezing!
Just made an AMAZING discovery! I didn't realise that the interest rate I was paying on one of my oldest loans was so high (it was my first ever loan and I don't really think I knew anything about what interest rates were the best - obviously!). Anyway I have worked out that if I can consolidate this loan with a much lower interest rate loan then I can repay it a year early woooooo hooooooo!! My plan is to leave it as it is for the next 6 months and let my credit rating pick up a bit (it's not bad but I have made a few too many applications recently) and then sort it all out. I can't believe I have come a whole YEAR closer to being debt free! This was the last debt that I would have to pay off. Things are looking a lot brighter now. If I keep chipping away at this debt then that light at then end of the tunnel is going to come sooner than expected 🙂
It's a great feeling to see that light get that little bit bigger as we approach it.
I know as I had similarly unexpected news when I got home from work today.
Just make sure that this light never ever gets dimmer or smaller again.
Together, we will ALL get there!
GT
Had a massive binge at the weekend. Could feel it bubbly inside me for the few days beforehand. Took me and eternity to find somewhere I hadn't self excluded but I managed it in the end. Didn't deposit much to start off with then the deposits got bigger and bigger....£10 then another £10 then £80 then £250 then £400 then the final and last deposit of £1000. Can't believe I managed to win it all back and come out £150 up. But what price did that £150 come at?!?!?!??! The STRESS and fear, shaking hands, red face, beating heart. God it just reminded me how awful it all is and I can not believe I used to do that at least 2 times a week for so many years.
Now I have the horrific 4 days that the funds remain pending before the withdrawal gets processed. I have no doubt in my mind that I will not even think about reversing that withdrawal. I have had a very very lucky escape. I can't imagine how I would have felt if i'd woken up today £1800 down 🙁 I feel sick just typing it.
I can not go back to day 1, if I start counting from day one I will seriously go under. From now on I am permanently in recovery and every day is as important as the last.
Anyone reading this, take it from me IT IS NOT WORTH IT!!!!! And I know I have referred to the excitement factor and how life seems to be a bit boring now there is no gambling in my life but I can seriously do without that 'excitement'. I seriously worried for my health last night the stress levels were so high 🙁
Hi Shorty8, Just a blip - that's all. I did exactly the same, could have lost thousands, but had the common sense to come out when I was ahead and self-excluded immediately. The fact that you've quite when you're ahead shows that you've come an awful long way. You've done fantastically well to get where you are now - don't let this minor blip destroy you're recovery. All the best, Michael
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