Take 2 this times for real

Day 2....absolutely shattered today but feeling a bit more positive 🙂 I may be a f****d up individual but I have to hand it to myself, I am a resilient mother f****r lol.

Definition of resilient:

1. springing back; rebounding.

2. returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched.

3. recovering readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyant

I read a LOT of stuff on the internet last night about gambling. I did not know that it has the highest rate of suicide out of all the addictions - that shocked me to the core. To think that losing money can make you kill yourself more than being addicted to drugs or drink - shocking. Not a route I care to go down.

Made a promise to myself last night. I promised that if I fail this time I will tell someone about my problem. Might not be my husband but I will tell someone so that I have that added support. Frankly the fear of having to admit this to someone may be the key to my success. I feel sick at the thought of having to admit this to anyone!

Thanks again for all your comments, they have truly lifted my spirits and I aim to respond to all your diaries by the end of today! Another promise I made to myself - contribute more on this forum, you will get nothing out unless you put something in.

Have a wonderful Friday everyone (despite the torrential rain!!) xxx

Morning Shorty,

I like yourself have been battling this illness for quite some time. The really positive thing is that you refuse to be beaten in your battle. Just like myself you have got to believe that this time is going to be your time.

We can and will beat this illness together.

Stay strong and take care.

Dave X

Morning Shorty,

Its really great to see your spirits are lifted even with this weather, Im getting the wetsuit out and flippers as i fear this time tomorrow I could be underwater lol.

You really are resiliant and let that be the force that drives you on to pick up and start again.

Use your diary, somone posted on mine yesterday that it seems to be the people who commit to there diary and this forum are the people who succeed, try it !

You can beat this, and you will, dont ever give up giving up.

At my G.A meeting last night (very powerful emotional meeting I cried twice), there was a newcomer who was litterally on his kness with what this illness had done to him, someone shared back "Bottle that feeling that you feel now, and everytime the urges come, take the lid off and remember what it feels like". Its important that we dont live in this illness 24-7 but its also imporant in the early days that we remember what it does to us emotionally and spirtually and also financially.

Bottle that resliance and open it every time the urges come.

Keep strong shorty, You can beat this.

Blondie xxx

Good Morning Shorty,

Great to see you more positive.

There are many different points of view expressed on this forum regarding who, when, and why we tell others of our problem. The only real truth is that we are all different, having different needs and in different situations. I am sure you will tell someone when the time is right for you. In my own situation, I needed to and having done so I can only say it was a relief, and also in my head a true acceptance of my problem. But I am me.. like I said.. we are all different.

Hope you stay positive, and continue in your progress. The sun is out (a little)... smile.... be resiliant and don't give up.

Have a good weekend.

Jon

Hi shorty, just popping buy to say hope you have a good weekend, hope there is still some positive shining through, look how strong you have been so far the key is your havent given up. I havent told my boyfriend yet but I think I will eventually when I feel ready only you will know if its right or not to confide in someone else. Keep strong xxx

Hi Shorty.. just a quickie to see how you are.

Hope everything is ok and you've had a good weekend.

Stay Strong and Focused.. and positive.

Jon

Day 5....going strong. No thoughts, no urges, had a nice busy weekend. Spent lots of time with the family 🙂

Awaiting my final withdrawal to hit my account, should come through this afternoon and then I will be self excluding from the last place I logged on to.

Got a busy busy week at work this week which is fine with me because he keeps all thoughts at bay!!!!

Am going to try and catch up with all of you who have commented on my diary over the last week!!! xxx

Day 6....relatively optimistic today 🙂

Made lots of good steps yesterday. Set up all my bills as direct debits - apart from one manual payment that I need to make monthly I can now stop obsessing about my bank account and just let everything go out when it needs to. I know how much spare cash there is every month and therefore have an allowance every week. I am putting £50 a month into a savings account and £20 a month into an envelope for xmas spends. I am going to leave my credit cards at work so that I am not tempted to spend on them - I do not want to have to use them anymore and only want to see the balances go DOWN!

Also yesterday I self excluded from the last place I was wasting money!!!!!! Big relief that the temptation is no longer there.

VERY busy at work, going to have a stressful couple of weeks as the S**t has hit the fan but I like it like this - keeps my mind busy and I don't think about gambling or the debts!

Onwards and upwards 🙂

Hi Shorty,

Well done on the 6 days gamble free, ur positivity and determination shines thru 🙂

Well done 4 self excluding and it is good that u r saving ur money instead of wasting it on gambling!

U r doing gr8!

Stay strong and keep going 🙂

HI Shorty,

Thats a really positive post... Hold that thought !!!!! You definatly did make lots of positive steps today and they all keep taking you in the direction you want. You have set up your financial plan with some real positive things in there savings, money for xmas so well done for doing that.

Try and turn your thinking upside down a little now , your plan is in place and each hour or day your debt is reducing, tomorrow it will be less than today and so on and eventually it will be no more.

Your blocks are in place now so your a little more protected as the days start to mount up your thinking will become even more clear, Be aware of the urges and I tried to think about what i would do when they came, distraction techniques, forwarned is forearmed.

Keep going shorty your doing great and with the support of this site and using your diary im sure it will be onwards and upwards for you.

Blondie xx

Thanks for your support everyone 🙂

Day 7....going strong....no thoughts, no urges, no regrets, no thinking about lost money. I am moving forwards, not backwards and I am starting to realise that I have to accept me for me. I may be a f****d up individual for what I have done but everyone is f****d up in their own strange way. It's just a shame that my fcukedupness has given me 40k worth of debt!

There is not one day goes past that I don't see something and think 'jesus things could be worse'. Where its walking past a tramp on the street, or seeing some documentary on the TV - there is always someone worse off than you. And not to blow my own trumpet...apart from this debt and gambling disorder, my life is pretty perfect!

Am more determined than ever. At the minute I don't even feel like I have to try and be determined, it is ingrained in my being. I know at some point this will change and there will be days when I am weak BUT these are the days I HAVE to muster all the strength I can find!!!!!!!!!! I can not and WILL not go back to day 1.

Yo,

That's the spirt. In recent months I have learnt that we can't change yesterday, but being positive about today and tomorrow makes this recovery journey a much less bumpy road to travel

I love that last post , your determination leaps out from the page .

So much so I want to give you a big fat hug.

We can do this, truly we can , and when the urges or bad come and try to knock us for six there are plenty of good people on this site to help us through it.

Take care ....

Shiny xxxxxxx

Shiny - I would love a big fat hug from you lol.

Day 9 - still feeling positive. Still feel like my recovery is a build in program at the minute. In the mornings in the shower I actually say in my head 'I am no longer a gambler' and I actually believe it. Long may this continue but I am well aware that it will not.

Have not checked my Bank account for 2 days now. That is almost more surprising that the 9 days gamble free. I feel so free at the minute, I love that I am not calculating every last penny and just letting things 'be'. As long as I am not gambling and not buying £500 shoes every month then things will be FINE. It has been a hard task to realise this but I think I am finally there and I hope this attitude towards the debt and bank accounts continues as much as the no gambling does!!!!

Got a busy busy busy weekend coming up....trust me when I say that even if I wanted to gamble I wouldnt have a free 5 minutes to do so!!! I feel very optimistic that the next time I write I will be on day 12.

Have a fabulous weekend everyone, keep those spirits high xxx

Who needs £500 shoes?!

Glad to hear that you are still feeling very positive.

Enjoy your busy weekend, being busy is good.

NT

Hi NT....once I pay these debts off I will be treating myself to a pair of £500 shoes lol.

Day 12. Just read about Sabine passing away 🙁 it is so sad but I am so glad that she had come so far in her recovery and passed away on a high. It has given me even more determination to succeed this time. Isn't it strange how someone you have never met before can have such an affect on you.

I am so tired today I can think of nothing else but my bed so I can guarantee there will be no thoughts or urges today.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz