Take 2 this times for real

Day 69....if this were my husband typing he would make some inappropriate comment about this being his favourite number lol!

Feel very content with life at the moment. I can honestly say I don't think I have been this content ever and I am liking this feeling. My social life is good, I have a bit of spare cash, I have a new interest (buying and selling) that takes up my thoughts rather than thinking about gambling and everything just seems easy at the minute. I know there is always the worry that I get drunk and end up at a casino but to be honest if that happens it happens. I know that that drunk person is not the real me and I know a drunken blip would not change my current mindset. Yes, I would be extremely P!ssed off with myself but its not the end of the world.

Life is so much better without gambling and that is a FACT.

Day 70....I have to be honest it feels longer than that but I guess it will do seen as I have actually been a member of this site for well over a year now. I suppose if you look at it in the grand scheme over the past 15 months I have gambled a handful of times and lost only a couple of hundred pound and for that I am VERY grateful to this site!

Gambling does not even cross my mind these days. Have other things to keep me busy and I am in a position now where I am not desperate for cash to pay loans and credit cards off. Yes I still have a MOUNTAIN of debt but it is manageable and allows for a few luxuries throughout the month. I don't seem to be focusing as much on that debt free day anymore. It will come in its own time, as long as I don't take out another loan the time will comes when those exisiting loans are paid off 🙂

Oh it is nice to be content - I just hope it lasts.....

Day 75....MASSIVE URGE on Saturday. Very very very tempted but when I actually sat and thought about it for a few minutes I thought 'I really can not be @rsed with all that again'! The thought of having to find a new site to register with, deposit cash, and then if I won having to supply proof of ID and all that s***e....no thank you! Think my head is finally in the right place. I found something good to watch that I had been meaning to watch for a while and then had a nice siesta 🙂 very proud of myself, am just hoping the urge was a one off cos I was at a loose end. We will see I guess!

Relatively quiet weekend although still managed to spend quite a bit of money. Payday next Friday so need to try and spend as little as possible until then so I'm in a good position financially next month.

Life is good. I feel like I am moving on and I am definitely not as debt-obsessed as I used to be which is a refreshing change!!!

Fact of the day....my life has never been this good....ever.

Day 76.

Hi Shorty,

I haven't posted for ages, but that's great news. I'm really pleased for you. 76 days is a huge achievement - keep it going. The debts are melting away, and one day, they'll be gone for good. Just think about what you could spend that extra cash on !! All the very best, Michael35.

Day 82....although its not actually Day 82 because I have gambled in the last week. Shameful I know and it just goes to show that in the click of a finger you can fall right back into it. I ask myself....why count the days? It doesn't matter if I'm on day 1 or day 1001 the fact of the matter is that I could just as easily gamble whatever the day!!!!! Anyway, I'm not feeling too low, probably because i won and probably because while I was gambling I was thinking 'WHAT THE f**k AM I DOING'??? I know why I did it....sheer boredom, nothing more, nothing less. I refuse to go back to day one because this will just have a detrimental affect and will only encourage me to gamble again. I haven't really thought about gambling today and I don't have that buzz of needing to gamble again. Fortunately for me I registered with a decent website that does not ask for blood before processing your withdrawals so by Wednesday I should be all square again bank account wise.

Going to use the few hundred quid winnings to buy Christmas presents. At least some good will come out of it.

Feeling a bit void of emotion at the minute. Maybe another lesson that comes from this lack of emotion - surely if i won £400 I would be jumping up and down with joy....I feel nothing.

The fight continues. One day I will win....for good!

Hi Shorty,

Sorry 2 read about ur slip, maybe u can put some blocks in place this may help u 🙂

U can do this Shorty!

Stay strong and keep going xxxx

HI Shorty,

Remember the reasons why you are staying away from gambling. !

Fact of the day....my life has never been this good....ever.

Day 76.

Keep going, learn something from it and move on..

blondie x

I can feel it taking over my brain again. Calculating when I can get a free hour to get on the laptop, deciding how much I can 'afford' to risk losing. Pure madness. The only difference this time is that I'm not placing huge bets but we all know that that will come when the losses start.

Have that horrible feeling in my stomach again. I don't even know what I'm gambling for....I have more disposable income this month than I have had EVER! So I'm obviously not gambling for the money! The excitement? Maybe. But I hate it when it takes over my life like this. Rushing home from work to try and get a quick bet on. Thank god I can't gamble at work (luckily the site I am a member of does not have mobile casino otherwise I would be in trouble).

I know what I need to do....self exclude. I'm just not ready yet and I really hope to god it doesn't take a massive loss to get me to make that step.

HI Shorty,

You sound like your inchs away from being back in the grip of IT. Remember where that takes you once your back, You say you have more disposable income this month than ever before, How long will that last if you gamble ? Then you will be back to square 1 ?

You say that your not ready to self exclude yet, have you asked yourself why that is ?

I promised myself that i would do whatever it takes its that important to me.

Think it through shorty before you act on it.. Urges come and go they dont last forever and we dont have to act on them ..

Take care

Blondie xx

Hi Blondie...thanks for your post 🙂

I self excluded. Of course I lost all my winnings and a bit more before I self excluded but I haven't added to the debt and I haven't left myself short for October so I guess it's a small price to pay. It could have been worse, it could have been better. Back in the old days before I joined this site i wouldn't have stopped until I literally had bill and food money left, fortunately i'm not as stupid as I used to be, but still stupid all the same.

So its back on the wagon for me. I'm starting to feel like this is the route my life is going to take....am I destined to continuously have a gamgling binge every few months for the rest of my life?!?! I guess its better than gambling every day which is what I used to do! Losing a couple of hundred quid every few months is a lot better than losing thousands upon thousands each year but its still not good enough.

Who knows what will happen in life. To be honest I think I have given up trying to control it. One minute I am on cloud 9, the next I feel like I do today. Bored, P!ssed off and can't be @rsed with anything or anyone!!! At least gambling is included in there as well!

So yet again I pick myself back up again and thank god that I didn't f**k up really badly.

I can't bring myself to write Day 1 again but the truth is thats where I'm at! Oh well, S**t happens!

Really really down in the dumps today. Lost some more money after joining another site (one which I shouldnt have been allowed to join as I had already self excluded but hey ho I can't really complain now I've lost my money). Mainly lost the nice cushion of disposable income I had for this month so didn't really add to the debt but it doesn't stop me HATING myself any less.

Had a really really heavy weekend as well and I think I'm on a massive come down which doesn't help. Just want to get this week out of the way and hopefully my head will be a bit clearer and the disappointment of letting myself and my family down again will have lifted slightly.

When will this cycle stop? Will it ever? I feel so trapped and panicy and desperate to tell someone but I just can't bring myself to do it 🙁

HI Shorty,

Im sorry your feeling down in the dumps today its to be expected as im sure the dissapintment is hitting you hard.

I remember you posting some time ago about if you didnt succeed this time you would tell someone, Would you consider speaking to someone in Gamcare ? Would you consider speaking to a counciller ?

My personall experieince has been I found that most of my addictions power over me was because it was a dirty secret and by having councilling this allowed me to speak for the first time ever to someone about my addiction, this was so liberating for me it felt like a 10 ton weight had been lifted off my shoulders and it started to give me a better understanding of the reasons why I gambled which then gave me more power to tackle it.

Im sure this seems like a never ending cycle for you, It will stop if you keep on plugging away and maybe change how your approaching it, its trial and error if its not working change something but dont give up giving up.

Take care shorty go easy on yourself, You have achieved some good gamble free days behind you, you can do it again.

Blondie xx

Hi Shorty,

Just popping in 2 say I hope u r ok and staying strong 🙂

Have a gr8 day xxxx

Oh Shorty these last few pages have been so hard to read....you are a mirror image of where I always find myself....and I know where I will no doubt find myself at again within the next 40/50 days.....the crossroads of having the disposable income back up to "f**k it I can afford it" level. I really hope you you are controlling these urges...you haven't posted for nearly a week......but even if you haven't....stop it now and lets start again....you know its silly...so treat the thing with the contempt it deserves.... back on the horse dafty.....hurry along now....