Take 2 this times for real

Hi Shorty,

U r doing brilliant, u have so many gr8 things in ur life... I know u can do this, I believe in u 🙂

Have a gr8 week xx

Thanks Charlotte 🙂

Day 36....the string of illnessess continues. Could have easily slipped up on Saturday I was so bored and fed up of everything and everyone but in the end I did the right thing. Makes you realise how easy it is to get right back into it though.

Been the fastest 36 days ever. Feeling a bit deflated as the finances are not as good as they should be but if I was doing you know what they would only be worse.

Not feeling very optimistic about life in general at the minute, been constantly ill for about 2 months now with one thing or another and slipping deeper and deeper into a hole of despair. Wish I could just curl up in a ball and sleep until this baby is due but unfortunately I still have to attempt to drag my backside out of bed at 6am to get to work 🙁

Anyway, enough of this depressing post. I am on day 36 and that is at least one positive thing to cling on to!

Shorty,

A long time since you last posted. Is all OK ?

Wow it's been a while since I've posted...I have dropped in and out of the site but got fed up reading about gambling allllll the time. So I've not been doing too badly. I've had a blip every couple of months but nothing too major. I lost 660 a couple of months ago and a few weeks after that had to fork out a few grand for house repairs and that brought on another binge (which I am in the middle of) luckily I've left 700 up....if I stop now!!!! I don't want to be a bad person anymore!!! I have 2 amazing children and the best husband and it sickens me that they are not enough! Why do I have to do what I do just to get a bit of excitement?! Is it even excitement I'm not sure anymore! So tomorrow will be day one hopefully I won't f**k it all up before Xmas if I stop now i could have my overdraft paid off in a couple of months but if I don't stop now I know that that overdraft will be maxed out and I will be really really screwed. So I have only one card that I am able to make deposits to online casinos and I am about to cut that up. I have a joint bank account with my husband which has a debit card but I would never ever use that as he has no idea about my addiction and I live in hope that I can clear all the debt and he never finds out. So off I go to cut up the card!!!!!! In a sick way I am glad I had this blip because it cancelled out my previous months losses but I know this could all spell disaster xx

Wow - yes ages since you've last posted and it's great to hear from you after all of these months. Doesn't look like you've defeated your demons quite yet, but looks like you have an element of control over it at least.

I really can't say anything that I haven't already said before - it's all up to you. You know gambling isn't the answer, and if we continue to let it into our lives, it will drag us down until we have nothing left.

Lets make 2014 a gamble free year ! All the very best.

Shorty

You were the last person to post on my diary back in sept 2011. I left here about march 2011 after being 100+ days gamble free, and have only just found the site again.

All is good for me a t the moment. I had a few blips after that but have managed to gain control and am nearly 1 and a half years gamble free. It can be done. I will be updating my diary to fill in the blanks and to show people here that it can be done.

I have read through your entire diary and am sad that you have dissapeared now. What a heartbreaking rollercoaster you have been through. I wonder how you are, having shared your story. It was so nice to think that when you read my diary it helped you in some way. I re read my diary and it had me in tears. Im so glad i had it written down. The good and the bad. Your diary was so honest and heartfelt. You had the courage to admit when you relapsed. I have to say it was so hard to read some of your posts because i knew from how you were talking that you were about to gamble. I could see it so clearly and there was nothing I could do about it because it was all in the past. wish i had been alongside you at the time to try give you reality checks and advice. Not saying it would have stopped you but i feel bad all the same. Lots of positives too though. You learn so much about yourself. I myself gambled in excess of £120k but i see this as payment for lessons in life. Not sure if you will ever come back on to read this but i hope you are still battling away. I wish you had told your husband so he could have supported and helped you, or at least a close friend. It would make all the difference. All the best

kyle x

Wow...KRS thank you for that post it has put a new spin on everything. I am back on day 2 as I got drunk and made a stupid mistake. I continue to go round and round in this cycle of binge gambling sometimes winning most of the time losing. I have basically wiped out any substantial access to money now which has given me a sense of relief because I couldn't actually gamble now even if I wanted to. Don't get me wrong I could get hold of twenty quid but that wouldn't give me the thrill I'd need. I still haven't told anyone about my problem, maybe you're right KRS, maybe I would succeed if I had someone to confide in, I have been thinking about that more recently.

My life remains amazing other than this demon. I think that's why I don't want to tell my husband because we are so happy and as I'm in this binge stage most of the time I'm a normal happy wife and mother it's only the days when I relapse that I'm a bit off.

I have a plan in my mind of what I need to do financially to make sure that my access to money is almost non existent...it will probably take me to July to achieve this plan but when I get there it will be a massive relief. Number one priority is to stop gambling...I've made the mistake before of thinking the finances were the number one priority but I was wrong.

I vow to update my diary daily, when I achieved 100+ days before it was when I was using my diary so I will not give up on it again.

The one saving grace regarding the money situation is that my crest rating is pretty poor so I can't actually get anymore credit...long May it stay that way!! The other good thing about this is that I have 3 loans that will be coming to an end in the next year or so. That will mean and extra £600 a month to either pay off the credit cards or save for some home improvements that have been put on the back burner. I'm glad I have this light at the end of the tunnel I think that some of the time I gamble to try and pay the debts off thinking that will make me happy but it never works out that way. Knowing that soon I will have this extra money every month will hopefully reduce the desire to win money! Fingers crossed!

I am a good person deep down. I love my kids I love my husband they are number one and my whole life I don't know why this 'thing' has managed to get a grip on my life the way it has but from today and for the rest of the days I am on this planet I am going to not let it have that grip on me anymore.

My first non gambling aim is to get to the 28th July that is when I will have sorted out one major financial issue and it will make me 128 days gamble free.

Thanks for your support KRS I can't tell you how much it meant to me reading that this morning.

Michael35 if you read this please post on your diary I need you to help me through this lol.xxxxx

Day 3...was really optimistic yesterday could have updated my diary 5 times...woke up this morning thinking about the mountain of debt I now have to trawl through. It can be done and if I can get through the next 4 months without adding to the debt I can potentially pay off one of my loans early but if I slip again that hope will go out the window. Really need to get my head down and concentrate on my recovery. I sat down and thought about it yesterday and thought ' this has to stop...one day this has to stop...I can not gamble until I die...I can not waste my life like that and destroy all my hopes and dreams for the sake of watching a ball land on a number...so why can't that day be today?' It can be today and I although I am feeling a bit down this morning deep down I have a 'today is the first day of the rest of my life' attitude.

Anyway, went to the gym last night was totally wrecked but I managed to drag my backside there and then came home and watched some Telly in bed with my hubby...it's those simple things in life that cost nothing that make u realize how f*****g stupid gambling is.

Have a great gambling free day everyone xxx

Day 4...feeling good. Got some good news this morning that means that first financial target is going to happen sooner rather than later...this in turn means my main source of substantial funds is completely cut off so my only way of gambling would be using a credit card which we all know has cash/deposit limits unlike a bank account. Will take great pleasure in writing a letter to said bank and asking them to not only cancel the overdraft but close the account for good! Phew...got a new lease of life. Knowing that these funds are going to be cut off gives me that security blanket so I just need to knuckle down now and concentrate on staying clean and making a debt in the credit card debt. I will get there. Also booked a mini break with the husband for later in the year got the flights for next to nothing and have 4 months to save up for the hotel. Definitely need something to look forward to and I know if I mess up again the hotel and spending money will go out the window and I couldn't do that to him xxxx

Day 5...playing the waiting game now awaiting some fund movement to happen so I can pay off the dreaded overdraft and remove the last main source of my gambling funds. My goodness it will feel amazing to do that wish id done it years ago. For some reason I always have this 'what is an emergency happens and I need access to cash' well quite frankly if an emergency does happen now I will have to find another method to pay for it!! By cutting this off it will save me thousands in losses and I can not be trusted to have access to this sort of money. Time, money, location....time, money, location.

Went to the gym again last night. Felt good, felt strong I just hope my willpower can be just as strong.

Just for today I will not gamble.xxx

Day 6...things moving faster than I thought could have this overdraft paid off by the end of the month now which means I only need to intercept one more overdraft charges bill that will drop through the letterbox. Then there will only be one credit card bill that comes through the post that I need to worry about the other half opening. He knows there is a balance on it he just doesn't know it's as much as it is...could do with paying a grand or so off it somehow so that if he does open it there won't be too many questions asked.

Had a good clear out this morning...tidy house tidy mind n all that. Got some stuff to sell online, will keep me busy tomorrow. That is definitely the key...keeping busy. And when you do get 2 minutes to sit down you're too bloody tired to even think about gambling!!

Something good happened to me yesterday I never win anything (don't worry it wasn't gambling related) but I won a competition 🙂 felt amazing and it wasn't even a monetary prize!!

Day 7...one week done. Been thrown a lifeline this week and I do not intend to screw it up. On Monday I should be able to clear and cancel the 5k overdraft that I have cleared and gambled cleared and gambled over and over in the last few months. My last source of gambling funds is being closed off. I am fearful in a way as it was my cushion (not just for gambling) but I will be even more fearful if it's sat there tempting me! I know once it's gone I won't even think about it but it will be a big step for me but a big positive one in the fight against this devil that has his hand round my throat...not for much longer. I guess in a way we mourn the end of our gambling 'career' the thing that has managed to ruin your life is also the thing that has brought you so much excitement and it's probably normal to be sad that that's all over...will anything be as exciting in the future? At the minute I'd settle for the quiet life!! Having money to book holidays or go on a shopping spree will make me and my family happy and that's all I want.

Off to the gym today. Tonight will be a challenge for me as the husband is out tonight and it would be a prime time for me to have a few glasses of wine, get the kids to bed and gamble. But instead I won't be drinking, will be getting the kids to bed at 8 and getting into bed to watch house of cards.

Have a good weekend gamcarers xxx

Day 9...didn't get chance to update yesterday had a lovely Mother's Day and even got out and did a bit of gardening whilst the weather was nice. Got to keep busy and I am always busy having kids to look after. I think one of the reasons I've turned into a binge gambler is because I have so little time these days...it would be a case of making a large deposit and placing a few large bets rather than the prolonged gambling spree.

Big day today...going to pay the overdraft off. It's taken a lot of shifting funds around but I've managed to do it by the last day of the month so only one more overdraft charge letter to drop through the door...phew!!! At the end of April (or sooner hopefully) I need to look at the next challenge...reducing the credit card that my husband knows about by 2k. God knows why they don't do e-statements...every month it's a massive stress knowing that bill will come through the door. But I think by the end of April I can bring it down to a level that I will be able to explain and at least I won't have to assault the postman every time he walks up the drive lol!!

Anyway best get myself together and sort this overdraft out!!!xxxx

Day 10...double figures! Woke up and didn't feel like doing anything but I have pulled myself together and done the 3 jobs around the house that I has planned. Just had a bit of lunch then pick the eldest up from nursery and then home to do the dinners etc etc...gym tonight and tomorrow night...Thursday are always a dangerous time as the husband plays football til late but I have no doubt that I will not gamble. Couldn't think of anything worse to be quite honest but I know those urges are probably just around the corner.

New month, overdraft paid off need to get to Friday then there will be enough money in bank to cover the rest of the months bills. Making myself small targets like 'get to Friday' and then make another one...hopefully this will keep me focused. I have no room for failure now I am surviving by the skin of my teeth another c**k up and I'm done for.

Day 11....urgh feeling pretty ill today all aches n pains couldn't find the energy to place a bet even if I wanted to...which I don't! More focused than ever but I have been here many times before and messed up. What will make this time different I wonder?

Was out for a drive with the OH last night and we drove past some really nice houses and I asked him 'do u think we'll ever live in a house like that?' He said he didn't know. U know what, if I'd been as good at saving my money as I had been at wasting it over the last 10 years we'd probably not be far off having a nice big house! But as I write that I know that I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and although it might have taken 10 years longer...when we do get the chance of buying somewhere new and big I will bloody appreciate it a million times more.

This does not have to be fantasy...this can be reality...if I stop gambling.