Tomorrow I will be two weeks gamble free . I have previously posted in the new members forum but thought it was time to write a recovery diary as I find the process of writing down my gambling jibberish quite therapeutic.
A little about me - I'm 37 and have been gambling for at least 10 years - currently over 50k in debt and begining to pay it all off in loans which won't leave me and my family (wife and 2 yr old daughter) with any money . How awful is that. My wife and family don't know about my gambling, and I know people on here will have various feelings about that but that's the way I'm doing this for now. My habits gambling wise are quite universal but I guess mainly it's sports betting football and horses - although I've been known to gamble on pretty much anything at times - what's the old saying 'he'd bet on two raindrops going down the window' - yeah that's me!
At my lowest I've stolen £2000 from my daughters savings - that's how much of an F**g scumbag I became - just writing it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Always thinking this will be the time I win big , or I'll double it and give her more money - it of course never happened or it did and I spent it!
I'm under no illusions I've got a long way to go and I've found the last two weeks hard going - it's often on my mind and it's the devil on my shoulder. Weekends in particular with all the sport action are very tough. I've said previously that I love gambling which some people took exception to and rightly so - I don't 'love' it but it was a big thrill in my life that I enjoyed a lot . As I've said previously if someone gave me a million pounds I'd try and make 2 million , then lose a million chasing my losses I'm that much of a plonker and when I'm gambling I can't see the wood for the trees.
By not gambling I properly feel like I'm denying my self something and I find myself feeling very sorry for my self . I'm very conscious that I sound like a loathsome selfish individual but that's exactly what this disease does to you. I hope these feelings fade and I hope you don't judge me too harshly fir the things I have done .
I think for now that's all I want to say. Need to stay positive and strong and keep the motivation one day at a time .
All the best .
Hi Pwm101 it's good to be honest on here mate. I was the same sports betting. 25k in debt. I'm not going to go on about it but to put things simply. It's no accident you feel this way about gambling. Your just like all us other mugs who are broke. Miserable and lost our family's. But we *love it*. The betting industry knows exactly how to get optimistic people like us almost in a gambling coma. Wake up and get out now mate. 55 days gf.
Play this through to the end. What are you missing? Why does abstaining make you feel like you're denying yourself something?
Have you signed up for Gamcare counselling? Free and with sessions available online if you can't make face to face. Have you found out where your nearest GA meeting is?
Abstaining is only part of the story. identifying and addressing what drives the compulsion in the first place is key and counselling and GA could help with that.
Thanks for the support guys really appreciate it and gavinb well done on 59 gf. Make it to 60 and that's two months . Great stuff . Iethe I will think about the counselling if I'm struggling but I feel okay for now thanks for reminding me that it's there . I haven't don't so yet but I'm going to put a block on a certain website that lets you bet all year and all day if you know what I mean - that seems to be my main downfall and I see other people have done so.
Thanks Emily for your kind words means a lot . Another day down and feeling confident . Your right I've got to put my feelings across it's the only way I can understand this problem. Hope all going well for you to . All the best
Going to smash it today - not going to gamble and will make it to 2 weeks GF by the end of the day ! Come on !
Thanks for the post on my Diary .... Well done on 2 weeks GF hard day today with plenty of football on but we both know we cant let are guard slip Keep up the good work mate
Thanks Chartom yeah it's a big night footy wise and I'd normally be keeping an eye on every score . Tonight I'm just going to let the results happen and not worry about wether I would have predicted it or not ! Who do I think I am Mystic Meg ha ha . No way I'm gambling tonight but it will be hard I can't deny that
Two Weeks gamble free - boom ! Feel good about that - want to make it to 30 days next. One thing this website has taught me is that I think my gambling is quite specific . I see loads of people have problems with FOBT and online roulette etc... I've never had that issue it's always been sports betting for me . I've never really been in a bookies much. Someone once said to me once 'how many millionaires do you see coming out the bookies' that always stuck with me and I never fancied it (shame they didn't say it about online sports betting! Ha ha) also I've been in casinos and played roulette and blackjack but it's only ever been social and they genuinely hold no power over me . However get me to a race track or placing football bets and I'm nuts ! Isn't that strange ? I also only really ever used one site - (which I'm now excluded from) creature of habit I guess. I have no desire to set up accounts or go on other bookmakers websites. Really feel like I'm coming out of a fog and seeing this gambling for what it is - a sure fire way to lose money ! Anyway just my thoughts at the mo. Hope everyone okay . All the best
Well done on your gf time but the Devil would shift easier if your family knew. Part of recovery is a whole new approach, doing things differently, honestly, particularly in regard to relationships. Open and honest relationships with excellent communication and secrecy about finances and gambling just don't go together. The other aspect is that if you are only accountable to your addicted self, it doesn't help you or your family.
There is a thread in the Debstes section entitled "To tell or not to tell", worth a read. Also a read of the Friends & Family posts, most OHs don't walk away immediately they find out. But all agree that the lies hurt more than the financial losses. You don't know what your wife would do, you haven't given her the chance to make her own informed decision. Might suit you but is it the right thing for her?
CW
17 days GF what's changed - feel calmer. Much calmer. Not frantically searching for the Israel second division results ! (I kid you not) I'm much more focused and less distracted . Living in the hear and now a lot more. When I had a bet on (which was most of the day) I was constantly distracted - half there eyes in phone . There is a level of boredom which is hard to address - I'm missing the 'buzz' as it's called. I don't want to replace that buzz I think I need to get used to this new found calmness and well time on my hands . The devil makes work for idle hands - very true .
God weekends are tough. The temptation with sports betting is everywhere. Genuinely feel okay. Still calculate odds make little bets in my mind but I'm nowhere near physically placing a bet. Plus Im excluded anyway. Feel okay GF 18days
Keep up your resolve
Exclusion is great ! I must admit it was not enough for me and had to hand my finances over to a family member.
Eventually over time you will see sport for what it is, maybe even drift away from it unless you support a football team etc ?
Will look out for you. Keep strong, you can do this
Thanks save myself appreciate the support it means a lot . Gunna to have to go back to looking at sport again in a different way ad for what it is rather than looking for every possible angel and advantage which lets face it is generally nonsense ! Should just be able to enjoy it for what it is . Cheers
Thanks for your post on my Diary Pwm 101, Yea the weekends really are hard with so much football on ( used to love a football bet) but i am now starting to enjoy the matches for what they are again instead of willing for another goal, corner. card etc. Well done on your 18 days gf and keep up the good work
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