The Devil on my shoulders

Thanks Chartom - was just thinking then it's the Super Bowl tonight and if I was still in the midst of my gambling fuzz I would have placed several bets - now looking at from the outside that is mental ! I know nothing about the American football I don't even like it ! But I would have woken up at 4:00 am checking my bets like a Moran ! How mad is that . Tonight I'm going to enjoy a good nights sleep - and I couldn't give a toss who wins the Super Bowl !

It will take me 5 years to pay off all my debts that's 1825 days I need to stay gamble free. Shiit

Need to remember that I used to have to win at Gambling to be able to pay my mortgage! How stupid is that! Day 21 GF - not gambling today

Just worked I owe £46 feel sick . The reality of what I've done and how long it's going to take to put right is really hitting home

Stay strong and you will get there, remember you are winning every day by not gambling,

Malc

Thanks Malkie really appreciate the support right now . Moods are up and down. Bit down at the mo as the reality kicks in about what lies ahead. Will be fine thou . Thanks

Same here mate, only thing that will make it better is by not gambling, I am still in single figures but aiming for double figures in the next week or so roll on.

Malc

Best of luck Malkie . If I can do it you can to . It really is one day at a time and keeping busy. Some days are hard some are easy . You just got to tick em off and make that your new challenge . First stage =double figures. All the best

You can do it mate, the longer you go without gambling, the clearer things become. I've paid around £5k off my £30k debts, over an 8 month period. The wife is fully behind me, we are working hard together. Not a great situation my any means, but the support is amazing. Head down and crack on, try not to overthink things.

Was thinking that Brandon your right. I need to stop fixating on it and focus on something else . I can't be looking at debt for 5 years I'll go under. Or even worse think I can win it back ! Encouraging to hear you've paid that amount off well done . Thanks for the support.

Sorry put this on someone else's diary and need to remind myself what I was saying as I think it helps ......

Wow I can relate to your last post so much - I'm going to read the rest of your diary tonight for inspiration. However I had a similar situation the other day where I was convinced Swansea would best Liverpool 14-1 and as you may know they did . Big voice in my head saying put a grand on it ! Was gutted for a while but then actually thought about it . Number 1- I don't really have a grand spare at the moment ! Number 2- I would have cashed out at 2-2 (Swansea won late on) I bet you would have cashed out at the playoff hole stage ? Number 3 - if I m honest with myself I had other 'hunches' that day that I would have put money in that didn't come off . Number 4 - even if I'd win £14,000 I know what I would have done . Banked £10,000 played with £4000 . Eventually lost £4000 then dipped into the £10,000 - keep dipping in till I was down to my original stake - and then lost that. What's that phrase I keep hearing on here . We can't win coz we can't stop . You wouldn't have just won your golf bet and stoped and I wouldn't have done the same with my football bet. Your an inspiration to me . Four years is amazing please make it 5 (that's how long I have to do to get out of debt) I need to know it's possible

This is stolen from D123's diary but is so true to my thoughts that I have copied it to mine so I can remember it - that pretend that your doing something productive, for your own good, is so powerful and so not true ! .......

The perverse thing about this situation is that I almost crave it because it feels like something 'productive'. When I feel low, depressed and aimless (as I have these past few weeks), gambling almost feels like I am doing something (i.e. trying to win money and improve my financial situation). The fact it gives me an incredible buzz alongside is just a bonus. Of course, the reality is it is the LEAST productive thing I could do in the world. I have proved time after time after time its completely destructive nature. One thing is for sure...if I start again I will not stop until I am completely ruined. When I think of the places I have been - both physically and emotionally - I am not sure I have the strength and resolve to drag myself back from there all over again.

So So true

23 days GF - feeling better a bit more thoughtful - times a great healer and all that. Don't mind admitting I've had thoughts about the odds on sports events recently but I don't think I can help that I'm always going to do it . I'm not near placing a bet in any event. Reading other people's diaries is helping a lot reminding me that boredom and complancence are two lethal mindsets going forward. I've blocked the one site I ever used I'm not tempted by any others .

Funny how I've been doing better at work and how I'm more interested in my wife and child's lives . I think that's something we forget . How selfish you can become . I pretended I was winning money for the family - trying to give them a better future , justifying each bet by saying if I win big I would treat them . Of course I was doing the exact opposite - I was doing it for my 'thrill' and I was losing the 'family' money - but when your in the thick of it you will justify everything somehow .

Not gambling today .

It's just greed isn't it? I'm just F**g greedy .

Took out reasonable sum of money today from the bank for various things (you know essential life things and not gambling) and with the money in my hand the thought came over me - I'll just treble this . Go in the bookies (which I never do) 2-1 odds and treble it. Ridiculous why can't I just be happy with what I've got! Why am I always striving to have more than frankly I deserve.

Anyway it was just a thought I didn't act in it and really I was disgusted at myself for let's face it being a greedy ****

Still gamble free