Hello everyone,
I'm now well onto day two, I have had numerous thoughts about going to online bookies and casinos today... but I haven't.
I still had the same feeling as yesterday and many a day before this morning. Shame, misery and complete disappointment in myself. In time I hope this will pass.
I've been in contact with Payplan over the last day and for the first time I'm going throughly through what all of this has cost me and my partner. It's a scary number, but if I avoid it, it'll only grow. The person I'm talking to Kez is fantastic, no judgment at all and seems to care, which has really helped.
I'll continue to keep updated hopefully on a daily basis, and as the weeks go by I hope to turn this mess of a man that I am into someone who can look into the mirror again.
SJ
Hi, the only way is forward from here! Payplan are fab and will help you work out an affordable budget. Those awful feelings will ease in time, the recovery diaries have been a lifeline for me. Best wishes and here's to a GF future S 🙂
Day three
Really good day today. Woke up this morning, the standard shame and really all round c**P. But the silver lining for me was that I haven't added to this shame for almost 2 days (now heading on 3). Monetarily this is a drop in a massive ocean. But for me this is starting to feel all the more real.
If you'd of said to me four days ago, Scott over the next four days you're going to try and make a change to stick to it for three days I'd of laughed.
Back in from work and ATR isn't on the tele, straight onto a box set of death in paradise. Got a book out before I went to bed last night (for the first time I can remember)
I do need to find time to fill out the form for payplan over the weekend.
Now this feels all the more real, I need to start bucking up the courage to talk to my partner and my family, which is what is scaring me the most.
Scott
Day Four
The best day I've had in I can't remember how long for personal reasons. My partner and I have just put the deposit down for our first house to rent together - move in date in the middle of June!!!!
We went down to our local for a little celebration with good friends, what was an even bigger win for me... looked at the fruit machines... although the shiny bright lights did draw me towards them. Not a penny spent.
If the coming days and weeks could be as this that would be fantastic. But one swallow doesn't make a summer.
Here's to the next four days and the next and the next.
Lovely to hear your good news!
Build on it now. Put all blocks in place and go for it!
Remember this feeling. Don't let those money-eating machines take your happiness away from you because there is no doubt that it will if you let it!!
Your future is in your hands.
All good wishes x
Day 5
Still absolutely over the moon over last night, the partner and I with friends had a fantastic evening last night.
Feel like there has been real progress today, not only is it day one of the first weekend and not a penny has been gambled. I've also watched a game of football today and actually enjoyed it for being sport. Not waiting for a certain amount of goals or a certain team to win. Look forward to doing that more often in the future, really makes sport fun to watch again not stressful at the idea of losing money over it.
Off out for a meal now with the partner. Still not broken the news to her, I'll give it another few weeks, I don't want to let her down again by failing. I'm convinced I'll stay with this now, the demons are still in my head, but they seemed to be whispers today rather than screaming noises.
Also had the best sleep I can remember last night.
If I stick with this, these feeling will be more regular. Gambling is not the answer.
Day 6
So had a fantastic night out this evening with friends and my partner.
Broke the news to her about the Relapse and gave her a fair out.
I begged with her that if I relapse again she has to go, not for me, not for her, but for us. We can't be together and not give each other full disclosure, this girl is the love of my life, the girl one day I'd like to call me wife and in time the mother of our children. Words can't describe how much I love her.
I will not let her down, this is the girl I will spend the rest of my life with.
She is the woman of any guys dreams, if you gamble again you will lose her.
Day 7
It's now a week and two hours since I placed my last bet. With everyday it's becoming that little bit easier, kind of like packing in cigarettes. By no means is this anywhere near mission complete, but it feels like a fantastic milestone.
Keeping my mind of things with looking at things for the new house and cracking on with a load of work.
Here's to the next week
Gambling is not and never was the answer to any of my problems, I'm now really starting to get my head around that.
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