Hello all
Chris here new member but by no means new to this horrible world and addiction...
This will be a long post so those looking for a quick read may want to move along.
It started for me at seasides (as it does for most people) when i was about 10-12 playing 2p pushers ect and ВЈ5 fruit machines. Unaware of the detrimental effect all this would have on my later life when i was 16 i started going to pubs as i used to be in the live music scene and we were allowed a few pints in there if we were playing music. When i was 18 or just after iirc i played on a ВЈ35 fruit machine and put a few pounds in and won something like £20 it made me feel great and can remember playing it a few times over the following months and winning/loosing i then started to play more when i got my first job in 2009, was on great money and then my addiction rapidly got worse as at this point i wasnt "clued up" on fruit machines. Was made redundant in 2013 and suddenly the money stopped but the addiction still needed to be fed sold off all of my guitars, amps, pa's ect to fund the machines. I travelled with a travelling fairground after that for just over a year working on various rides but managed an arcade for a few months with fruit machines being the main money earner for the owner and managed to keep off of them by spending all my money (which was not alot) on booze basic living ect i then started using gambling as a way to get away from an abusive relashonship for a number of years... i stopped gambling in middle of 2016 as i was in such a bad way and i had had enough i had lost everything (friends...family...and my girlfriend at the time showed me no support to stop even though i had many nights in tears saying how much i wanted too. telling me i was useless and egging me on to go out and make some money on the machines so we could go on nights out ect not really caring about how it was destroying my life. and i took the decision to leave her in middle of 2017 as i had other issues i could no longer be with her and i was worried about slipping up again if i stayed with her and how badly i was treated. in August 2017 i became homeless and started living in a garage from August to December in minus 0 temps was the most horrible and frightening experience of my life. Oftern thinking this is gambling that has led me to where i am now, cold..alone...and nothing looking good for the future i was spending alot of times during the day in pubs (as they were warm and had wifi) with what money i did have or was given by family members on drink and still managing to stay away from fruit machines I ended up spending christmas in a homeless shelter (which i was thankfull for) and meeting my current girlfriend there which i will always look on as something amazing to come from a bad situatuon. If i look back she has been the most supportive person to me in my life in regards to addiction and mental health. We have been through alot together and i love her so much along with wanting to quit for good for myself i want to do it for her.
March 2018 i started working on a fairground again this year as it provided me with a job and somewhere to live was great for me.
Fast forward to september this year i had to go away for work with a ride to a major fair in the UK while i was there i went to the pub with a guy who i was working with had a few pints and he was egging me on to try the machines as we had seen some locals loose some money and i had passed comment about it to him....
That was the moment i knew i messed up, big time....i lost £30....and i was devistated at the loss (not the amount as id lost way more in previous years) but the fact at what had happened and how it had happened so quickly without me realizing
My girlfriend and i took her son to an attraction in london and there was an arcade next door, we took him in there to play on the arcade machines ect. Being where it was and my previous gambling im that paticular amusment center i made a huge mistake by playing the £5 fruit machines "what harm can it do" "only 10p a spin" i thought but standing in front of a fruit machine again brought back all the memories funnily enough all of winning not loosing (funny that) as soon as i played a few pounds in them i knew id messed up but thought i could shake it off
From then on i have been gambling on and off on machines 1 or 2 times a week in pubs....i dont have a reason why....
I want to stop this now as its affecting my mental health in a bad way and bringing misery to people around me who have helped me so much and who i care about so much
I have contacted GC about the councilling and will be going to GA on saturday night...i hope in some ways my story can help others who are in the same situation as me as i know its a dark lonley place.
This time im determind to stop for good, i cant keep hurting people who have been there for me when i needed them and treating them badly. I want to live my life happy and put this horrible addiction out of my life and build a better life for myself
If you got to the end thanks for reading hope to meet great people on here and broaden my support network
Main reason i put this as something i can look back on in 1 week....1 month.....1 year..... and say im in a better place now im happy again and to keep myself clean.
Cheers
Chris
Thanks for sharing, you’ve made a good move coming on here and writing it down, it shows that you mean business, keep posting Chris, you can do this have no doubt. Moving on keeping one step ahead guard Up bobbyj/rainman
Welcome to the diaries Chris.
Here you are amongst friends who have an understanding of compulsive gambling. A lot of our fellow travellers have responded positively and gone long periods without gambling.
Hope you got to the GA meeting and enjoyed it. Many people get great benefit from the meetings.
Most who join GamCare have come to realise that gambling destroys hopes, dreams and aspirations and they have witnessed first-hand the suffering associated with compulsive gambling.
For a compulsive gambler to refrain from gambling is not easy but it can be done.
I sincerely hope you can stop gambling and find the happiness, peace and contentment you deserve...stephen
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