The start of my journey, again

What have you done to show her you mean business?

Action speaks louder than the words she'll no doubt have heard many times over.

Very true and I couldn't agree more. Given how soon this is after relapse though i've not had the opportunity to 'show' her anything as yet although I keep her updated on what i'm doing, like the group therapy sessions i'm starting next month. Be under no illusion I am fully aware that it is going to take a substantial amount of time to regain her trust and she knows I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. For now, understandably, she needs time and I think giving her that is the least I can do. I will show her how far i'm willing to go, just watch this space I guess.

Hi dholla1 do you want input to your thread? This jumps out at me 'I'm an ex gambling addict '. You have to admit you are a compulsive gambler, you will never be 'cured'. If you think it's in the past and you've beaten it, it will come back at you with more. Just for today, yesterday has gone and tomorrow will become today.

Merry Go Round, Yes please feel free to add any input it's more than welcome and appreciated.

I guess i'm trying to look at myself as an Ex Gambler to get into that mindset, maybe that idea is a bit misguided it just seemd like a good idea at the time. As previously metioned I will be starting the group sessions next month so i'm sure that they will clarify some things for me reference my attitude towards it and indeed the triggers that set me off. That being said, any constructive critisism / advice is more than welcome.

Thank you for the replies so far guys, they really are appreciated.

Well guys day 7 done, just the rest of my life to go.

No real issues with it at the moment but I know it's going to be the long game that's the tough one for me.

Well i guess a week is a start and we all have to start somewhere don't we.

Day 8 and another big fat tick in the box.

Well I feel like i've had a productive day today. Bearing in mind i'm still waiting to go through the group sessions i've made a list of thing that I want to do over the next year, all a million miles away from gambling.

Communication is going well with my fiancee, I can only hope that she gives me that second chance (although admittedly there is part of me that wouldn't blame her if she didn't), Hey, at least I didn't ruin her finances too I guess.

Self excluded myself from ALL of the sites I can still log on to.

Ordered a savings card that I can only use in the cash point (No current account card means no online transactions :-), very good for me).

And lastly spoke to the bank. Asked if they could put a ban on any gambling transactions from my account. No joy on that one unfortunatley but shouldn't be a problem if I stick to my savings / cash card.

So yeah a good day, and I caught up with one of my best mates who I haven't seen in ages. It's true what they say about an ordeal showing who your true friends are.

Hope everyone is doing ok and staying strong.

Day 9 - done,

Not the best of days today if I have to be honest. Not so much gambling, finding it ok so far not touching it but struggling with the aftermath of my past actions. It's only been a week since my fiancee kicked me out and we're messaging which is nice and being very civil i'm just struggling because I don't know where I stand at the moment. Now please don't get me wrong, i'm not putting any of this on her, after everything i've put her through then who can blame her. I don't know, i'm lucky that I have accomodation at work so I have someweher to stay but it's very quiet at the weekends. Yesterday was nice, seeing my old friend and catching up, I think today I just feel Lonely to put it simply. I think the worst thing is that again, I know it's all due to my past actions and I have no-one to blame but myself.

I've done everything I can think of to help me curb my gambling so happy with that but missing a home and a family to go back to at the end of my day. Again, my fault I know that but if I can't get my feelings out here then where can I. Maybe it's my fault and I just need to make more of an effort to get out but i'm sure that will come with time.

Well that's my day, hope you've all had a better one.

Best of luck to you all and stay gamble free, it really isn't worth it.

Hi dholla1

I've just been reading your thread and really sorry to hear you're in the wars - it's insidious, this gambling isn't it.

I don't know if this helps but I've put in place a practical measure that might really make a difference when all else fails - and that's entrusting your finances to someone else, perhaps, and ideally, your fiancee. But of course this all depends on how thing's progress between the two of you and you'll obviously be the best judge of that.

How about opening a joint account and transferring a fixed sum from your own account into it, and your fiancee does the same. Now, your fiancee controls the spending, looks after your card and if you need cash, then ask her (even it's for a present - desperate times call for desperate measures). How would she feel about that - only you can judge. She may feel that you mean business and recognise how serious you are about stopping and respect the drastic, by practical, measures you're taking. But, like I say, this is only an idea and if it helps all well and good.

For the record, I've done exactly this - my wife looks after the joint account; my bank card is in two pieces and I ask her for money from time to time, I put this in place yesterday and will stick with it.

Good luck dholla1.

Mixer, thanks for the reply.

To be honest that is pretty much my intention. I've ordered myself a cash only bank card that i cannot use online (which is where my problem has always been). Depending on what happens with the Fiancee then I am going to give her all of my cards or at least suggest it, and just get her to transfer me X amount into my cash card every week. To be fair to her she already takes care of all of the bills, I just send her money at the start of the month to help with them.

As we're speaking but still not at the point of seeing each other then I want to leave it all until we have a face to face. She knows i've been working on ways to kick the addiction, but this kind of thing I would rather do or at least discuss in person so I guess we'll see.

Thanks again for the reply, any advice / tips are always welcome. I'll keep you all updated on how things pan out.

Day 10 guys and not a huge amount to say today, had my rants over the weekend.

Just a standard busy day in work which probably is no bad thing really. Still not having any issues with not gambling so that's cool, very aware that it's more the longer term that I might struggle with. However, i'm going to get through it this time.

Hope everyone is doing well and staying strong.

Well done Dholla1

Keep coming back and reporting on your thread and hopefully you'll start seeing change and things getting better.

I remember coming clean to my girlfriend. I told her absolutely everything and I asked her if there's anything other than handing over money, attending counselling and of course not gambling that she thinks would help our relationship. At the time she said no but I would ask every so often.

By asking that I think it let her know i knew that I messed up but I was willing to do anything to get our relationship back on track.

Good Luck

check out my blog www.conradnose.com

Conrad

Thanks for the reply. I know i'm not the only one who has ever been in this position but it's always helpful and comforting to hear from someone else who has been through it. It's tough and I have to give my fiancee credit as the first and second time she was very supportive, she still is to be fair just not sure if she can go on with the relationship. Obviously I want her back and have told her so much, along with what i'm doing to help but it's time I let her make up her own mind, especially after what i've put her through. Thankfully our position isn't so much that i've killed us financially (certainly haven't done myself many favours on that front but nothing that can't be fixed) it's more the trust side which I really can't argue with. She knows I didn't do it out of spite for her or anything like that and is being very supportive with regards to my recovery, even though we are best case 'on a break' at the moment.

I can only hope that we can continue the communication that we've got and fix things in the longer term. As for my recovery, i'll be on here most if not all days when I can. I'm finding it helps just to have somewhere to get stuff down, and a great place to come if the urge ever comes knocking.

Hope you're having success in your own recovery Conrad, all the best to you.

Hi dholla1

I think you are showing strong character in your calm, reflective, measured post in response to Conrad's helpful, honest advice. And sense that you know that, regardless of the outcome of your relatonship, this destructive habit has to come to the end of the line (I'm in the same boat, for the record.)

And that means, as you recognise, extra practical measures because sometimes in life we just have to hold our hands up and admit: "we need help". I've come to realise that this isn't a weakness on our part, but recognition of our weakness which is a strength.

For me, practical measures include visiting this site whenever I can. Because the gambling void brings more time for other things, and what better way to use some of that time on non-gambling pursuits including this fine site. It's free and constructive and helps others in the same boat as us.

You are starting to piece together, dholla1, I sense, a strategy to progress in a non-GF way and thinking, once the dust settles (and thinking positively here) how your fiancee would feel supporting you in this latest, but more determined-than-ever GF approach.

It's an excellent use of your time so keep bouncing your ideas, thoughts and feelings on here, to give yourself the very best chance of making good and then securing a better future.

I do understand that things might not work out ... but, one step at a time ... we're all with you here OK.

Mixer

Thank you so much for your reply, all of you posting on here and taking the time to read what i'm going through really does help. I still maintain that at this time i'm not finding not gambling an issue, it's more the destruction that i've caused to my relationship that is the hardest thing to cope with right now. That being said i'm trying to stay positive as you so rightly said.

This really is helping me, I know it might sound odd but I can feel it. The urge to gamble just isn't there any more. Even when I wasn't gambling in the past i'd still find myself thinking about it at times, no more though whcih is awesome.

Coudn't agree with you more about this site, it helps me no end and i'd like to think that every now and again someone might read my diary and think, 'You know what, i'm not the only one going through this'. I think alot more people would really benefit from the support everyone has shown me so far so to everyone who has posted on my diary, Thank you and keep it up. I'm sure all / most of you have been in this situation but I just hope you all realise how helpful and encouraging your posts are.

So all that being said here's to day 11, still strong and still remaining positive (Most of the time anyway).