Well here i am again. what can i say... 2013 was a roller coaster year with many ups and downs.
I started 2013 well i managed a couple of months without a bet and then it all started to unravel again.
I found myself in the vicious cycle of gambling, winning, losing, chasing losses, winning again and then losing everything.
This cycle continued through the year. I have a good job and a relatively high income. I get payed every two weeks which meant that if i did hit rock bottom i was never too far away from my next pay check. the flip side is that i had a pretty constant supply of funds to gamble with.
I am a casino gambler and despite self exclusion found a way to get into the casinos and play. I generally play blackjack and baccarat.
as 2013 continued my bets and losses started to get bigger and bigger.
At on point i managed to win back most of my losses over a few weeks and some very lucky runs. I then lost it all back in a matter of days.
The same happened to me at the start of december and again i lost it all back in a matter of days. during december i kept trying to win some of my losses back. Each return trip resulted in a loss. I have left myself with nothing but a few pounds in my bank account and mounting debts.
I have contacted my casino once again about self exclusion and making my profile known to the dealers. i really want to *** this addiction this year. I know that by abstaining from gambling, working hard, i can pay off my debts live a nice lifestyle and save some money for a car or a deposit on a house. These are my goals and incentives.
Another big incentive for me is family, they are aware of my struggles and also aware of my lies and growing debts. I know that they have concerns for me and it is about time i made them my number 1 priority rather than gambling.
i intend to update this diary every couple of days. as my diary continues i will discuss further details of my gambling history.
Today is now day 5 without a bet.... its a start and a good place to begin.
Hi Talbs.. and welcome to the diaries.
I cannot win because I cannot stop springs to mind. You know yourself that after a win you will be back for more only to lose it and more. You can step off this merry go round at any time. As you say...
"I know that by abstaining from gambling, working hard, i can pay off my debts live a nice lifestyle and save some money for a car or a deposit on a house."
The above is your incentive.
Practical barriers like self-exclusion and limiting your access to money when it matters will help.. but its also about filling the gambling shaped void. What are you going to do when you would normally be gambling? ... something to think about.
Well done on your 5 days gamble free. Regards... S.A
Hi TALBS,
well done for starting a recovery diary, thanks also for your post on my diary and your support,
"nobody understands a gambler like a gambler" this is very true.
I especially like the way you summed up the gambling cycle, although i only bet on sports and not casinos, the similarities are very much there, with the result at the end of every cycle being a big loss!
Ive been gambling 15 years, and along the way ive had what i thought were significant profits, the trouble is whatever profit i ever made eventually got sucked back into gambling and then i ended up losing more desperate to retrieve this money, and this cycle alway, always happens.
we have to simply remember that to gamble will end in loss. not just of money, but also of any quality of life.
"build your house slowly on stone, rather than quickly on sand"
Thank you for the encouraging posts. Day 5 is slowly coming to a close for me as i am based in Australia. I am pleased to say it is without a bet and without any urges to bet.
I do think there were minimal urges due to lack of funds. I have heard people say in the past that you need three things to gamble ...time, place, money take one out of the equation and you can't do it. I think there is a lot of truth to that. And I plan to work on that principle along with a deep desire to beat this.
In terms of filling the void which gambling has left, I have picked up many extra shifts at work. This will help financially and take care of a boredom / time element. I am also planning on increasing the amount of exercise I do and start enjoying socialising with friends which I often came second to a trip to the casino.
We'll off to bed now... Onto day six tomorrow!
well day six is nearly over without any dramas. i spent most of the day at work and will now make my dinner and go to bed.
No real urges to gamble... just regrets. The big test will come tomorrow with pay day. Not expecting a huge pay and have bills and rent to pay which wont leave me with a lot for the next couple of weeks. there will still inevitably be temptation to fight with.
my next few weeks are looking pretty busy with work which is good for a number of reasons.. it keeps me busy, its pays the bills and will keep my mind off gambling.
For those of you who read my diary i will give a little more information about my current situation.
i am currently living and working in melbourne australia. i am 27 and have a good job. i always thought moving to australia would be a new start and a new break from gambling. I have certainly managed to distance myself from the FOBT roulette stations which plague the UK.
My downfall has been the crown casino... the largest in the southern hemisphere. it really has sucked me in, taken all that i have and spat me out on a countless number of occasions. I have self excluded just over a year ago. but it doesnt work as you can walk in and out through any number of exits.
today i contacted the Crowns responsible gaming centre with regards to further self exclusion and making my profile more known amongst dealers and security. they have assured me they will do this and i hope it will act as a deterrent in the future.
like i said the challenge is going to begin once pay day arrives tomorrow... i say bring it on!!!
Hi TALBS
well done on getting through almost a week! First week I would say is the hardest because of the habits to break.
When payday comes tomorrow pay what you have to and keep the rest in your bank. No matter how much it nags at you to gamble it- dont. If you did do it and lost you will feel bad and if you gamble and win you will still feel terrible and no doubt end up giving it back and more. So gambling tomorrow or any other day is lose/lose for us CGs. Get through tomorrow without giving them any of your money and you will feel like a winner when you wake up next morning with that money in your bank!
All the best
Linda x
thanks for the encouraging post, i am pleased to say i have made it though day 7 without any hick ups.
today was pay day, when i checked my balance and saw that i had money again i did get a overwhelming urge to gamble, i quickly kicked those thoughts to once side. i payed my rent and some bills and have transferred the remaining funds to a savings account which is less accessible at short notice. I have left only what i need for the next week in my current account.
i have a day off tomorrow which i plan to make as relaxing as possible. Cinema with friends in the evening and most likely a trip to the gym at some point.
i feel more confident about making it another week without a bet as i have made my money as safe as possible, as i have heard so often on here you need time, money and a place to gamble and i have really tried to make sure all three of these factors are accounted for.
onto day 8 .....
Not posted for a few days. Pleased to say that I am still bet free on day 10.
Survived pay day so far.... No huge urges to gamble. Trying to keep myself busy which as also helped.
Picking up,a couple of extra shifts this weekend. Which again will keep me busy and help finances.
Going to keep it short and sweet as I need to get some sleep!
Well it has been approx 2 days since I posted and I am pleased to say that I still haven't had a bet.
I have had some fleeting thoughts and urges. But that is all that they have been. I have managed to tackle them. I have been busy with work which has been good and a huge deterrent from gambling.
I had some bad news over the weekend. My sister has recently found out she has a brain tumour. It is not cancerous but will need surgery. As upsetting as this is it has really spurred me on and given me some drive. I want to do this for my sister ... And I am going to!
We'll coming to the end of day 12!
We'll I haven't posted for a while. I have had a busy few days which is a good thing.
Pleased to say that I am still without a bet and feeling stronger the further I go.
Money is still tight. I am working pretty hard to try and get some outstanding debts settled or at least make some form of payment towards them.
I guess I have to be great flu that I have work, have a roof over my head and just enough to survive on currently. Things could certainly be better but they could be worse.
Not really struggling with urges, I think because I have made myself so busy, the fact I have little available funds is another factor. I hope to continue to grow stronger with time but I am also aware from my last attempt that with time can come complacency.
Day 17 done... Day 18 will be without a bet
Day 19 has come to a close. Still without a bet which feels good. This has been the longest I haven't gambled for a good few months.
Financially things are tight. However I am coping and working hard to rectify that.
I think the fact that my finances are tight has really helped keep any urges to bet at bay.
The reality of my addiction has really started to sadden me. I guess I feel so angry and cross that I have lost so much time and money to gambling. I feel like I have put my life on hold and let this monster take over.
Hitting rock bottom 20 days ago, although painful and difficult has really opened my eyes to what this addiction does to us and how little insight we have when we are in the thick of it.
My mind would always tell me there was a big win around the corner, and there were a couple of big wins. They were shortly followed by a couple of huge losses.
I have finally realised that this is a losers game, for 8 years I have battled and thrown 10000's away. I was losing from the start and will continue to lose if I gamble. The only way I can win is by staying away from gambling!
Just a quick post, onto day 20. Feeling good!
I am working away for a week but the town I am working in is very small with no casino or bookies which is good for me.
Also working night shifts which will keep me busy.
I will try and keep my diary updated whilst away but may not be able to!
Determined to make 2014 my year!
Well I am coming to the end of day 22. Pleased to say without a bet so far!!!
As of yet I haven't had any great urges. I think because money is still very tight and I am really determined to beat this!
I have had some good and bad news this week. The good news is I have had a job offer which will give me some financial security and hopefully help me pay off some debts.
The bad news was that my sister was diagnosed with a brain tumour. Although not cancerous it was still a shock and she is due to have surgery today.
This has given me a second wind of inspiration to quit. There are people out there with such bigger issues than what I am dealing with, my problem is that I am stupid enough to throw money away! It's times like this that things get put into perspective.
So I am going to beat this. Not just for me, but for my family and my sister. She is a real inspiration and has really taken the news in her stride!
Will be in touch soon!!
talbs
Fella I hope your sisters operation goes well, somtimes life is very sobering indeed.
What better motivation can a fella need.
Keep making the right choice
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Really has been sobering. A real inspiration.
Pleased to sayshe got through the surgery well. Which is a huge relief. Currently working hard away from home. In the middle of a set if night shifts 3 more to go and then I have some days off which I am looking forward to.
No thoughts/ urges/ or relapses yet. An online casino phoned me the other day saying a bonus was waiting for me and they were asking why I hadn't used it.
I simply replied " I don't gamble anymore" and put the phone down. I haven't thought twice about it since. The idea of trying my luck with a bonus that has 100's of terms and conditions surrounding it is not appealing at all. The idea if gambling has no appeal currently. I know it would just lead me down the slippery slope of doom back to rock bottom.
Well off to bed now.
Will update in a day or two!
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