Hi all,
I have called my Diary "The Yungas Road" after the most dangerous road in the world was identified in Bolivia, one deviation from this road can be fatal and like the treacheous and dangerous road of recovery from gambling I thought this was the best analogy to use and remind me of having to stay focused, vigilant and in control. There is no room for deviation or complacency on this road, there are no rails to protect its users and visibility can be poor, in Winter with rain and fog and in Summer dust and falling rocks can hinder anyone travelling on it and reaching their destination. It has to be negotiated with careful planning and caution just like a recovery from years of gambling. My intention is to stay on that road as long as I can without falling off...this is my start and end to a journey of treachery, misery and heartache that will lead me to peace of mind and a "normal life" again.
I have had a serious gambling problem with on-line slots and casino's for the past 6.5 years.
It all started after a massive win in a casino followed by a much bigger win online, which slowly led into a destructive and almost life threatening situation. I used to enjoy going to the casino on an occasional night out but the entertainment value slowly and almost certainly led me into a collision course with dependancy/addiction, lies, deceipt, debt, lack of respect for myself and others.
I am totally and utterly ashamed of my behaviour and lifestyle, I was and still am in a professional career with excellent prospects, I was used to a very high standard of living but am now suffering the effects of the past 6.5 years of gambling by forever dodging creditors, stooping to borrowing money from pay day loan shops and by who and whatever means I can put my grubby hands on money.
I despise the person and life I am living now, I haven't gambled for a few day's but that is only because I have no money left. I still have bills to pay this month and I will undoubtedly be using my normal dodging tactics to get around paying them.
My close friend suggested I am in desperate need of help and advised me to go to GA. I attended my first meeting last week and the support I got was tremendous, it was good to talk and listen to people who are also affected by unbearable and gross illness (they told me it is a serious illness).
I have every intention to get my life back. From GA, I understand this is a lifelong illness and I have to show commitment and determination to stop. I also understand the practical steps I have to take and have already installed K9 on my PC and have had all access to the internet removed from my mobile. After attending the meeting, I went straight to the local casino's in my town and have requested to be self excluded from all. I know this is going to be a long, hard and difficult journey, but after speaking to my friend, husband and close family, they are all prepared to support me as long as I demonstrate my commitment to stop.
I will keep in touch with the forum and following further advice will start a recovery diary. I desperately want my life back, its not just the money, its the time, energy and attention I have paid to this sordid activity that I no longer want to be a part of.
Here's to the start of a better life and a more peaceful, honest and serene mind.
Today is Day 1 of my diary, it is 5 day's since I gambled but, I have just been paid some money I was owed in my bank account and paid 2 bills before I was able to spend it on anything else. With all my systems in place, I had no alternative but to spend the money on what I am supposed to be spending it on, what a relief. Plans now to spend my wages at the end of the month on bills and paying back debts, hopefully no more phone calls this month. Will be attending GA tomorrow night which I am looking forward to, I found it fascinating last week listening to therapies and also the realisation that gambling is such a widespread problem, there are lots of older members who have been going for years and have remained gamble free but are continuing to support the cause. What an inspirational place to be. I will continue to take one day at a time.
Best wishes for vigilance to all today
Rosie x
Hi Rosie,
Welcome to this forum and may the recovery journey brings you peace to mind and determination to arrest this addiction. I see you have already put essential blocks in place and this is huge leap forward. Also youre attending GA. I never been in them meetings myself but always read that they are very helpful and eye opening. Good on you and im happy to see you committing to abstinence 100%.
Keep posting and reading. There is a lot of inspiring stories on this forum. Everyone here supports each other and it's true like minded people community with the one and only goal - set ourselves free from this destroying disease and start living again.
I wish you well and look forward to read about your progress in this journey.
Day at a time
Stay strong and safe
Sandra x
Hi Rosie,
Welcome. You will find many like-minded friends here and will receive a wealth of support. Your story is very much the same as mine and no doubt countless other members of this forum. I used to think it was uncanny how other people's experiences were so close to mine but now I would expect them to be similar, as the majority of us, as complusive gamblers, will stoop to the same levels to feed this addiction. You will find posting on this formum a great help, so I would urge you to keep doing so. By the way, I love your opening analogy. It is beautifully written and could not be more befitting to the road ahead of us all. Stay strong, do not give yourself a hard time and good luck!
Mark
Thank you Markman and Sandra for your kind comments. I sincerely hope you are both continuing to enjoy the peace and tranquility of being gamble free.
Haven't posted for a few day's because I have been working so hard to avoid being tempted/lured back into old habits. I am glad to say I am so proud of myself for staying abstinent for 20 day's (almost 3 weeks)!! Have just finished a twilight shift in work and thought I would log on here and make a few notes and promises to myself. I am continuing to take one day at a time and stay in control, something I have not done/had for a very long time. I am continuing to attend GA and promised that no matter what, I would alway's prioritise my need or desire to stop and abstain from gambling. It definitely feels so much better being open and honest with myself and others and the peace of mind is beyond comprehension now that I realise and accept I no longer need to gamble to enjoy myself. The gym has been a welcome distraction and whilst I know I have ages to go before I am totally comfortable, the strategies are all working to stop me from gambling i.e. internet blocks, self exclusion and no access to finances.
Hope everybody is getting much needed respite and starting to enjoy life without gambling in it. Best wishes to all,
Rosie x
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
