Hi everyone,
I realised tonight that I should start a diary. For the last 25 days I have taken so much from this forum, sincere comments, well wishers, funny comments about shaving, the whole works, but I just felt that I should write a little about me.
I am 35, and live in the North West of England. I came here six years ago when my life emploded in Dublin. I thought I was happy, a good job, a nice girlfriend (I am female btw) and a great circle of friends. Then Christmas 2008 it all went, the job (the Irish financial economy went boom), the GF (she was cheating on me, but it was okay because it was a polyamorous relationship, except she forgot to tell me the terms and conditions , who does that!!) I was born in the North West, so it was sort of like coming home. As soon as I got off the plane, I got a job to support my degree studies. I worked hard, I partied hard and life became good again. I have always gambled. My Dad brought me to the races before I went to school. He is a careful gambler, never ever bets more than he could afford and never ever chases money... My max bet on a horse would be £2, and the Irish lotto twice a week. Over a year ago, I was in the bookies, and saw people drawing wads of notes over the bookies counter...These seemed to be a regular occurance, so I took a look at these FOBT machines. I knew them by reputation and had seen a few people kick them in frustration. I threw £2 and it landed on my number, happy days. This started a pattern that for the last 18 months have just been a bad time. Most of my dysfunctional habit was initially spent online, always Roulette and I always made money. But no matter how much I made, I always gave it back. More recently, I had taken to sitting staring at an FOBT in a bookies near me....Sad very sad....
As I have reflected on this situation, I have realised that I have been under a lot of stress. I work for the NHS, a job that I adore and work with some amazing people, but with this comes stress. I have been bullied in my two separate NHS jobs over the last year. Neither was anything I started, I am quite a peace loving creature...I just bumped into two div's..All sorted now, but very stressful. At the time of going to print, my brother is also undergoing chemo for cancer...But and this is a huge but, this is no reason why I should be loosing a months wages on a FOBT machine.
When I read other's stories, or chat to people in chat, I sometimes feel guilty for being here. I have not thousands in debt, I am not homeless. I have great family and great friends....But I couldn't walk away. What brought me here 25 days ago, was the fact that I put my last £20 into a poxy FOBT...and I didn't care..And the fact that I didn't care, has to mean something..It has to and it will.
I may not get a chance to update this everyday, but I try and have it as a habit, as much as calling into the bookies every evening was to feed the FOBT. Since I have stopped doing that, my self esteem has risen, and I see hope for tomorrow....
Until next time.
Jx
Hi J135, I don't have debt either, so I understand what you mean about feeling guilty. But I cannot walk away from a slot machine till my purse is empty, and I will repeatedly draw silly amounts of money from the auto-bank. I was starting to lie to people I love, and I felt ashamed of who I was becoming. We have every right to be here, gambling does not only damage people by causing debt.
Thanks Rhoda...I was at the same thing, and it had just gone way too far. x
Hi and welcome, don't worry that you don't have debt, a lot of us on here would love to be able to say that, the main thing is that you recognised you had a problem and did something about it before you got into debt. Best wishes x
Hi JL...You have every right to be here...I do have debt, alot of debt but that doesn't make us any different from each other, in fact I'd say the only difference is that you recognised it was becoming a problem whereas I ignored it and just stuck my head in the slots to escape from the problems.... blindly refusing to face the fact that gambling was only ever going to make everything worse hence the debt 🙁 On a positive note...Finally facing up to my financial mess & taking steps to deal with it has strengthened my resolve to remain gamble free. No more head stuck in the sand (slots)!
I'm babbling but hey ho just wanted to say.....We're all here for the same reason....Gambling!
Mari x
PS. I spent almost 10 years living not far from Dublin ....I miss the Guiness 🙂
Hi JI, I echo Anon's sentiment; you're going great guns and, day by day, gritting your teeth and proving it. Keep going gal!
Ah Mari, I miss Dublin everyday. I think there is a piece of my heart there.
Thanks Mixer and Anon for the lovely comments. I did recognise that there was a problem, that was a lot bigger than me. I could see the pattern emerging and was scary to watch. My confidence in me and my self esteem was on the floor.
Am getting a tax refund tomorrow £900. This worried me today, a lot! I used to hate having money, hated worrying about how little I could spend so I could gamble. That day is over. Tomorrow I will send a few bob across the Irish Sea to my beautiful Mam, I will sort a few bills out, and finally I will depart to the Trafford Centre on Sunday and have a lovely afternoon of retail therapy. After money money aside for a raing day, it is important for me to be good to me...
Waiting to hear about an interview for a job. A lady in my office got an interview. I wished her well, and genuinely meant it. Wish I had a little more faith that I will be offered an interview and that I am good enough.
Eyes are closing, but just wanted to give a little update...
JX
Well done JL like every one has said just because your not in debt doesn't mean you don't need the advice and support just means you were a lot more savvy then people like me! And to get help now instead of going further down the road
Evening Diary,
Weekend was lovely. Really lovely and not focused on an FOBT machine. I notice the changes now, not anxious to leave somewhere so I can get to the bookies. Not chained to my phone constantly. Less stressed, less focused on money. I really enjoy my little shopping trip to Cheshire Oaks yesterday. The refund from the tax allowed me to treat myself to some nice things. Things that are material, but in the past I have always said I couldn't have. I was always in a state of just being in the black, but hovering over the red. Now I have no worries that I am going to run out of money. I know that my Mam senses a difference, she has commented that I don't seem to be so stressed about money any longer.
I enjoyed chat over the weekend. I am concious that people come to chat for a whole host of reasons. Me included. I do a lot of computer work during the day, so sometimes like to sit back and read. Other times, have a bit of banter. But we all come to chat to talk, or even just for the company. No one knows anyone's circumstances. Chat maybe the first place that someone has spoken to all day. People may not have told those around them about their gambling issue and chat is a chance to release that. I think it is a space for everyone to use as they see fit.
I am going to bed soon..Busy day tomorrow. I am 30 Days GF and I am proud of that fact.
Slainte.
Julie
I was wondering what the j stands for
So Julie we'll done on reaching your first month bet free. It's good to see new members like yourself making a positive contribution to the forum and also chat.
I'm heading to Cheshire oaks myself this weekend as it's my daughters big birthday. Never been before but I heard it's good
Anyhow hope the week is good to you. See you in chat
Deano x
Evening Diary,
Dean0 have a fab time at Cheshire Oaks, it is fabulous and your daughter will really enjoy it, there are loads to see, and great value...Have a good look around, bargains galore...
Day 35 today, that is over a month of GF days. I am so proud of myself. When I think back to where I was, to where I am now, it is a great achievement. Loads more to do, I cannot sit on my backside, I have to keep aware and keep active in the battle. Had a day off today, and was worried about the boredom. Not a word about it, there was loads of time for rest, food shopping and looking and ridiculous stuff online.
Not pouring money into a machine, makes such a d**n difference, I have got my self esteem back, I feel more contented, and not like a rabbit caught in the headlights Addiction is a terrible thing.
Talk soon.
Julie
Dear Diary,
I am so upset...I am still GF...But I am so upset...Without going into detail I live in a rural area, by choice as it is nice and I am a country girl at heart (think wellies and cows). I don't have much of a social life, I probably work too much. I used to go out to dinner, with a group of women, but due to serious s**t stirring that was not my fault, I don't go out to dinner anymore. There is a book club in Manchester at the L-G-B-T (WHY IS L-G-B-T A BLOCKED WORD FOR GODS SAKE) Foundation which I could go to, and will, but all my money before the last 37 days was going to an FOBT machine, silly stupid machine.
This afternoon a friend rang and asked me to go to bingo. We used to go regular and I was really excited. A little outing. Got all dressed up, make up on, spray of perfume. and set off in the car. Met them outside. When we were standing waiting in line to pay, it dawned on me. This is Gambling. I am 37 days Gamble Free, I nearly stood crying in the foyer of the bingo hall. I quickly made a decision and said to my friend, I would have to leave. She walked outside and I quickly told her my difficulty. She was understanding and I said I was sorry for messing her around. I got back in the car and cried all the way home. I have never thought of myself as lonely, I don't do lonely, I am not needy and do my own thing. I just wanted a little social outing. I will get over this and re-set things how they should be tomorrow. I will just have to look for other activities to do. I do not want sympathy, everyone here is battling everyday to be GF, and I respect each and every one of you, I am just disappointed that my life has changed.
Tomorrow is a new day!
Hi J, well done on not going in. You say you are disappointed that your life has changed...is that just not being able to go to the Bingo...or does it involve more? Will your Bingo friends be happy to look for alternative activities? The L-G-B-T book club may be a way forward. I have found a women's group that organises social events...on Wednesday I am going to a pub quiz and meal. I am quite happy with my own company, but I think if I am going to be GF I need to mix more, because maybe I am not as 'happy' as I say I am. Sleep on it, tomorrow it will feel better x
Ah Rhoda, they have a family, so it is their little outing...We used to split the winnings, we won a few times. It isn't that, I just didn't realise how little I had going on in the last while. Only I can change that. I need to drag my backside to Manchester...I agree, I love my own company, but maybe I have conditioned myself into my own company....I will sleep on it, and wake up tomorrow, and a new week..x I think I have cried all I needed to.
Very impressive willpower, well done
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