There is hope for a better tomorrow

Woah woah woah we are all here for recovery and Julie is that arm around the shoulder, but always always does she advocate the flip side I've seen some of the posters she has come on to HER page to express concerns over and some of the things have been potentially damaging to Ones recovery or even mental state depending on the person .... we all need different support and different people aide that.... yes we are here for different reasons but nobody should be made to feel targeted or persecuted because of someone else's view

At the end of the day we are all opening ourselves up for truth , tough love ect but nobody should be felt bullied as i have seen and felt the same as Julie

In coming bear with me as I'm in a free style mood today.

I've seen this argument countless times in the past 2 years and I've probably said along the lines of what you're saying before .

So me I'm a bit of a serial hugger or high fiver what ever as are you I post to new comers with a general kill them with kindness approach. Obviously as addicts we sort of dance around the subject instead of going straight in with truths, where as the other side (f&f) prefer to come straight in with the truth i.e. What needs to be done . Their side coming from a lived experience. Now we've mulled over our situation and suffered for years where as the other side have suffered the same amount of time with out really knowing why there suffering, then imagine finding out everything all in the space of one day. You'd suffered for years on end and most likely years to come because your other half was throwing money away in an attempt to cover the lies as to why you were suffering ( still free styling) so when I read a post that seems harsh I think why does it sound harsh , and that usually equals because it's the truth and us addicts don't really like that. So I try and read posts from every perspective.

Deano (freestyler)

Hi Julie , another serial hugger and High fiver here :)).

Did you know in day's of old Deano ,myself , loxxie and many others even had our own High Five club but to be honest that didn't always go down too well with many , needless to say I also found myself on many occasions having as they like to call it on here " Debate's " and sometimes even "Heated Debates" but I'm old fashioned and look on them more as " Ruck's and Argument's " .

I like the way you post Julie and reach out to people , you say it as you see it in front of you ( so your my kind of girl ) :)). I questioned someone the other day that in my opinion they haden't hit ther " Rock Bottom " simply because that's the way I saw it from the poster , then low and behold a whole thread appears on the " Rock bottom " subject ?. Sometimes us addicts need an arm around us and sometimes we need a bl.eedin good kick up the @r*e , which doesn't alway's go down well with others but what I get from you is a genuine gut feeling that the advice you give out comes from having" Lived a life" dealing with people and in my mind that's far better than quoting a paragraph from the big book of addiction .

As addict's we can only deal with our own live's and problems and the carnage we cause , I do agree that we have to be truthfull with those around us and come totally clean , for me it was the most scariest moment of my life but once out , it also became the turning point to start rebuilding , that being said there are moments when we can sit and have that conversation with those that need to know but sometimes choosing that moment can be a bit tricky .

Just carry on doing what your doing Julie , it's been a while since anyone offered the support youv'e given around the forum , even more so the fact that youve not been here for too long yourself and as for those that don't like what you say , well they can alway's choose not to read your post's or your diary ......

Look after yourself and a big " High five " xx .

Hey Julie...
I've always liked to hug and reassure a person whos at a bad time in life.. ..whatever the reason for the distress....maybe it's from my nursing days years ago.....or maybe it's how some of us are...
Who knows....
Like young Alan pointed out...I'll call him that because it will make him feel good !
These shumozzles .... ( my word for in differences )...will come and go... just be you...nobody on here is higher or even lower than the next person....we can only do or say what we feels right...
Concentrate on your journey love. .....lots of routes arrive at the same destination...big hugs...lots of support...nose rubs...high fives. ..lol

I can only briefly reply to this, as tomorrow is a big day, and not a lot is going to detract from my preparation from that.

In order of reply, Cardhue Hi! Did I dictate the parameteres of acceptable advice? If that has come across that way, it wasn't my intention. I simply pointed out that someone hating what a CG gambler was doing had irritated me, and the fact that she was reading about it had made her feel that way, irritated me. Her marriage, her issues, her story. Then accusing the same person of treating his partner like a 'mug', her marriage, her issues, her story. There is a crossing of a boundary there. She is the wife of a compulsive gambler, obviously she has every right to feel how she wants, how she has been treated. The person who's diary she commented on, is telling his story, how his life is. I offer financial advice, because my background is in that area. I had no problem with the wishing him to have honesty in his relationship, telling him that he was treating his wife like a mug, I did.....So he goes home in an ideal world this evening, and tells his wife everything, and she feels great sadness and pity, but not once does she feel that she has been treated like a mug, so she doesn't feel that. Transference is happening here, and that is all I pointed out, don't label people with how you have been treated and how you feel. There is a fine line on this website, and there are people sitting in homes and flats, and rooms, all the way around this country, in despair, proper abject despair...If my attitude or my advice doesn't sit well with you, or you don't want to read it, I am not asking you or anyone else to agree with me. It is how I have called it, I am not arrogant enough to sit here and say it is right...But it is coming from a place of experience and a place of honesty. What has the length of time on this website got to do with anything? And did I tell you or anyone else to refrain from advocating a successful approach..No I just said, people should choose their words a bit carefully when commenting on people's situations. Honesty maybe the best option for you, her, him, but not them over there. Who has said that is the word according to a recovering gambler. I am sure it is written down somewhere, but who said it is right. It may be right, but one solution doesn't fit us all.

Nannai, Hi. All I was trying to say in your situation was, it was none of my business but that support was there for you. All I read was, you need to do this, you need to hand over your finances, you need to, you need to....You don't need to do anything. If you want to, that is a course of action that you can take, and people have proven that it works. But sometimes, you just need some human kindness.

Deano, what can I say to you...The truth is an absolute git...sorry but it is...I wasn't ready to hear the truth, that I was a compulsive gambler. I know it now, and it is the truth....Harsh reality...The thing is, I am not saying that that guy should or shouldn't have told the truth. That is his business...I just cannot abide people tansferring what has happened to them onto others....Telling them what they are doing is wrong, and they are treating people badly. They maybe are, but just because that person has been treated in this way, doesn't mean that every situation is like. I just believe in kindness, and not poking my nose into someone else's business...Practical advice fine, making suggestions fine. But telling a guy they are treating their wife like a mug....No.

Alan, What can I say that hasn't already been said. I look for the best in people...always. Gambling addiction does cause carnage. And lies are told, and money is involved and it all gets very very messy. I suppose I am different in the fact that there is no one but me in my little gambling addiction bubble. No one to explain to. Just me. I have lived, I have dealt with all sorts of fellow human beings for years. The good, the bad, the easy to forget ones, the ones I will never ever forget. Now here is the brutal honesty, I don't know if I have got this right....When I came in and looked at my diary, I went 'holy lord, I only went to work for the day'....I maybe have not said the right thing, or the done thing....but there is nothing, and I repeat nothing that I would change about what I have said. If I am being honest, I would delete my reply now. For one reason, I need my energy to go elsewhere pronto, but one cannot change the past. So there it is...

Julie x

I no Julie, very much appriciated .... I'm all for truth telling, advice and people building there is a fine line on this page. I may have worded my point wrong but I didn't mean it in good faith and was trying to agree with your point .... however own your week I hope it's amazing for you x

I'm suprised all you said was " Holy Lord " :)) , It's happened on a few occasions for me and a lot of word's begining with "f" was all I could come up with :)) .

Don't ever feel you need to delete your reply , it's as you saw it and that's all .

Wishing you well for tommorow Julie x

Julie 35 wrote:

I can only briefly reply to this, as tomorrow is a big day, and not a lot is going to detract from my preparation from that.

In order of reply, Cardhue Hi! Did I dictate the parameteres of acceptable advice? If that has come across that way, it wasn't my intention. I simply pointed out that someone hating what a CG gambler was doing had irritated me, and the fact that she was reading about it had made her feel that way, irritated me. Her marriage, her issues, her story. Then accusing the same person of treating his partner like a 'mug', her marriage, her issues, her story. There is a crossing of a boundary there. She is the wife of a compulsive gambler, obviously she has every right to feel how she wants, how she has been treated. The person who's diary she commented on, is telling his story, how his life is. I offer financial advice, because my background is in that area. I had no problem with the wishing him to have honesty in his relationship, telling him that he was treating his wife like a mug, I did.....So he goes home in an ideal world this evening, and tells his wife everything, and she feels great sadness and pity, but not once does she feel that she has been treated like a mug, so she doesn't feel that. Transference is happening here, and that is all I pointed out, don't label people with how you have been treated and how you feel. There is a fine line on this website, and there are people sitting in homes and flats, and rooms, all the way around this country, in despair, proper abject despair...If my attitude or my advice doesn't sit well with you, or you don't want to read it, I am not asking you or anyone else to agree with me. It is how I have called it, I am not arrogant enough to sit here and say it is right...But it is coming from a place of experience and a place of honesty. What has the length of time on this website got to do with anything? And did I tell you or anyone else to refrain from advocating a successful approach..No I just said, people should choose their words a bit carefully when commenting on people's situations. Honesty maybe the best option for you, her, him, but not them over there. Who has said that is the word according to a recovering gambler. I am sure it is written down somewhere, but who said it is right. It may be right, but one solution doesn't fit us all.

Nannai, Hi. All I was trying to say in your situation was, it was none of my business but that support was there for you. All I read was, you need to do this, you need to hand over your finances, you need to, you need to....You don't need to do anything. If you want to, that is a course of action that you can take, and people have proven that it works. But sometimes, you just need some human kindness.

Deano, what can I say to you...The truth is an absolute git...sorry but it is...I wasn't ready to hear the truth, that I was a compulsive gambler. I know it now, and it is the truth....Harsh reality...The thing is, I am not saying that that guy should or shouldn't have told the truth. That is his business...I just cannot abide people tansferring what has happened to them onto others....Telling them what they are doing is wrong, and they are treating people badly. They maybe are, but just because that person has been treated in this way, doesn't mean that every situation is like. I just believe in kindness, and not poking my nose into someone else's business...Practical advice fine, making suggestions fine. But telling a guy they are treating their wife like a mug....No.

Alan, What can I say that hasn't already been said. I look for the best in people...always. Gambling addiction does cause carnage. And lies are told, and money is involved and it all gets very very messy. I suppose I am different in the fact that there is no one but me in my little gambling addiction bubble. No one to explain to. Just me. I have lived, I have dealt with all sorts of fellow human beings for years. The good, the bad, the easy to forget ones, the ones I will never ever forget. Now here is the brutal honesty, I don't know if I have got this right....When I came in and looked at my diary, I went 'holy lord, I only went to work for the day'....I maybe have not said the right thing, or the done thing....but there is nothing, and I repeat nothing that I would change about what I have said. If I am being honest, I would delete my reply now. For one reason, I need my energy to go elsewhere pronto, but one cannot change the past. So there it is...

Julie x

Articulated very well Julie, bravo. And what I liked about it the most was that's it. Opinions flew, some differed and you killed a potential row which deserves another kudos

Hi Julie

Thanks for your full reply.

Tbh I think I was feeling protective of CW who's had some really mean stuff in the past, and who doesn't need sticking for to b fair, and dived in. Obviously you're not responsible for past meanness so..yeah sorry for having an ulterior motive I wasn't upfront about. I can see that's not fair and is generally confusing.

I don't read CW's comments in the same way as you do - I see her as fairly straight to the point but not overstepping boundaries, particularly when you consider where she's coming from. I see hers as giving a helpful alternative perspective.

I appreciate that you don't agree.

I can see how CW might appear abrasive. But I don't find that. It might be because I have more distance from all that comes in the early stages of stopping gambling.

Certainly if everyone was CW the forum wouldn't work. Users need a more empathetic style and to connect with people in the same kind of predicament, and there are plenty who do a job of this.

Anyway, all the best and good night

Louis

Good luck for today even if you don't need it....you got this girl so just show them what you're made off!!!☺

Ps...random lol..was pondering about your saying "i only look down at people when I'm helping them up" ..ain't it wayyy better eye contact when you're on the same eye lelvel? :-)))

Take care & be proud!

Wanted to wish you luck today .... not that I think you need it xx

Hi Julie

Just spoke to you whilst you are sat in the waiting room preparing for your interview.

I just wanted you to know you are an amazing person who has overcome so many obstacles in your life. I called them obstacles because the right person can find a way to overcome them, get through them, climb over them. You have done this in abundence and you are slowly owning your world.

I hope you continue on your path, and continue to be you. Without you, i may have failed in my path, without you many others may have also failed. You post with empathy and compassion, continue to do so, it is what makes you you!

Keep Being you!

It is done, I can do no more that wait until the letter arrives. Full of self doubt, and poking myself, which is so annoying!!! Carrying the past and what maybe is d**n heavy....

Thanks Dan. You have been such a support to me this past few months...That support will always be there for you.

What is meant for me, won't go by me.

Julie x

Dear Diary,

Went for a referral to Occupational Health today, to tick a box..Lovely nurse said why are you here? Are you off work? No I am at work, my manager referred me as she doesn't know what else to do with me. She glances at the referral, see's who sent it in. Said, Let's keep this brief, I am sure you have enough to do today. Did I need anything from her, no, well go forth and do what your doing. Cost me nothing but my time to go.

Mooted the idea around in my head last night, was I a little bit depressed. My mojo comes and goes, but mostly goes...Really struggling to keep focused, and just have this sinking feeling. Don't get me wrong, I will be fine, I just wondered could I do anything to help myself. Text a mate back home, who has a new baby. Great listener, and just spoke about a few issues and what was going on for me. She said what I probably knew, it has been a tough year already, and it is only May, my borther was very ill, I am not satisfied in the job I am doing, I have had a gambling problem. The gambling thing I am trying to fix everyday, trying to be a better person everyday. The job thing is grinding at me, but I feel in my heart that the winds of change of swishing around my feet as I type this. Just have to have patience. My brother is on the mend. He gets stronger everyday. So what does that leave me with. Where does my fulfillment come in, what I am doing, am I living or am I existing, today I would say existing, which is taking a lot of effort. I feel as if there is a heaviness that I cannot shift, I don't feel light. What do I want from life? A relationship, yes. Someone to share it all with, to laugh with, to spend time with. I have an amazing set of friends, totally amazing that would walk to the end of the earth and back for me. And me them. I think this diary is the only place, that I talk about me. Very few people get to see the real 100% Julie. I am never fake, it just isn't in me to be that way. But I hold stuff back, I hold me back. It helped taking to my friend last night, and being honest with her. I think I have some difficult questions to ask myself. I tend to run from these, but maybe if I stopped running, I would work it out.

Thanks as always diary, you have turned into a good friend, listening, no judgement, no feeling like you have other stuff to do, always there when I need you.

Julie x

Dear Diary,

Got a little feedback from my Masters interview. Positive. No decision but whatever happens, I acquitted myself very well, and should be proud. Heading into the weekend. Mixed thoughts, need to clear some head space. Am very grateful today for the wise people in my life. Who are measured, and present.

Julie x