There is hope for a better tomorrow

Good Morning Julie

Thanks for you kind words on my diary last night.

I read your diary post from last night, please try and not let things get on top of you like that. Stop and Breathe. As you know i go to GA, one of the things they do not believe in (or my group anyway) is being bailed out of your debt as they see it as not taking responsibility for your gambling habbit. I have my beliefs, they are mine and i will not try and instil them on to somebody as we are all dealing with the same thing an addiction. I would never try and make my comments heard by writing in capitals either. We all have the same amount of right to be here as the next, we have an addiction and this is one place where we can talk at ease with other people who suffer with the same addiction.

The story your write about is every parents nightmare, i have lost a child through illness and that was / is very hard to deal with, let alone thinking that someone took there own life due to bullying. I missed that story, but i can understand how it can affect somebody, especially someone that works in the care profession such as yourself.

Anyway enough of my rambling.

The reason for my post was to simply say "be kind to yourself & put yourself first"

The weather may be sh ! te, but i hope your day is bright!

OK I know it was me who posted the comment and left the room soon afterwards. I usually only use capital letters on my diary page to emphasise a point. If what I said in the chatroom offended anyone I apologise profusely. I'm not perfect in any sense of the word and maybe I should have put more thought into what I wrote before scuttling off. I know every journey is individual as I have often said on my diary page. I'm being open about being the person who made the "bailing out" comment as honesty is part of the journey I think. Julie, you are seriously one of the last people on this forum I would want to upset and I am so sorry that I did. I've learnt something else about my own behaviour since yesterday so thank you. Best wishes, Phil x

Dear Diary,

A long day, with moments of hope and moments of fleeting despair. Let us say that hopeful thoughts won in a 60/40 contest.

Phil, you really are up front and honest, and thank you for posting about my diary. Yes it was you that made that comment in capital letters, and then moved off quickly, it was like you had dropped a grenade and moved for cover. The only point that I am making is, we need to be careful with the words that we use on a forum, and especially one of this nature. I didn't disagree with your point that is the sad thing, but it was too stongly worded. By making bold statements like that, your shutting people off from telling their story and maybe seeking that one piece of help that they may need. We don't know how close anyone is to 'the edge' here. I don't know you don't know me. But what if a person in that chat room, was sitting waiting on someone to drop around with a bail out of a hundred quid, and they had to take it, because they hadn't eaten in four days. And before you say it, I heard that story in the bookies last Friday, a guy had fainted and took ill, because he had poured every penny into them stupid blinking machines, and had no food for four days. I know another man that has one light bulb, in his house, because he spends every penny gambling! It is the sadest stories and sobering for me. But what I am saying is Phil, and I not wanting to make you feel bad, just give a thought before making statements about things being wrong. I work with a service user at work, who regularly stops eating, and I mean to the extreme. It breaks my heart and twice in the last six months, she has come very near it. The first time she did it, I said to her, it is wrong for you to do this. No it was wrong of me to tell her it was wrong. In her tragic sad existence, food is the only thing she has control over. I know this is the extreme Phil, but in the job I work in, we choose every word, every expression, every sigh very carefully. I do be exhausted at the end of everyday...We are fine, I really like chatting with you and reading your diary. I don't hold stuff, I just say it and move on.

Dan. Good Evening. I didn't know you and your wife had lost a child through illness, your a strong person, because I haven't had that experience, and this whole thing with my brother has been sobering to say the least. Yes every parents worst nightmare. The girls mother was on This Morning last week. The girl that had been bullying her, was at it for months, chipping and chipping away at her, in the middle of the night, all the time. She was that worn down, when she said to go and hang herself, it was a relief for her to do it. Sad, very sad. I actually don't think I agree with being bailed out either, and don't think I could accept it. I have messed up this time, and will work my way out of it. As I said to Phil, we need to leave the door open for people to tell their story, no story or no action is wrong, in that person's story, it is just not the way you would have your story un-fold. I just think we need to hold a space for everyone, whatever their journey is. My opinion maybe not correct, but I am doing the best that I can do with what I have at my disposal.

The weather was s**t but the sun shone through in the end.

Julie x

Great post Julie. Good motivation 🙂

Dear Diary,

It's me!! I have a chest infection and a sinue infection. I left both of these go, with the worry over my brother. Doctor wants to see me again next week. Antibiotics in hand, and told not to drink alcohol.. I don't partake much, so that will be okay.

My mum when she was on the phone tonight lecturing about my health, said that there was some money in my Irish bank account and I could use it to shore up things until payday. She knows that I had my shift cancelled on Sunday, but not that I lost £130 in the bookies on Friday night. I had a dliema of whether to tell her. Then she launched into the story of how today was the first proper day that my brother had eaten, and looked a little better. She sounded less tired. So I didn't tell her. I will get a shop in and have the comfort of knowing that there is a few bob there if I need it. I have reasoned it out that every payday for the last two years, I have sent money home. Not for me, and not for my savings, but to ease their load at home. I am not saying this to justify me 'borrowing' some of the money in my Irish account, I just feel that I can say it honestly. They would give me the last bit of bread that went into their mouths, and me them. It just leaves me that I can sleep tonight and not worry where the grocery money/petrol money is coming for the weekend. I can look for extra shifts, and not have the panic of thinking I have to work.....I will always work, and I will work my way out of last week's costly exercise.....

In random news, am getting my hair done next week, have been putting the money to one side for it. Through my work, I go to a lot of meetings, and I had been getting an £11 hair cut...Now there is nothing wrong with an £11 hair cut, except the 'young one' that did it last time, couldn't cut butter....So...........I am treating myself and have been on a waiting list for six weeks.....I hear the stylist that will be doing it, is very good....at the moment, my fringe and I are having a close relationship..

Julie x

Hi Julie,hon get the food shopping in, then try and forget overtime shifts for a week or two, your body needs time to rest and heal. If the Irish account makes you more financially comfortable, remember to keep the triangle broken. You can work your way out of last weeks decision to gamble (I refuse to say 'slip'), but it doesn't have to be over the next week or two, be kind to yourself.

Hi Julie,

I get a £10 haircut though i guess in due course it will go up to £11... shock! :-)... but then am a bloke as well, with receding hair, so there's not much to do... number 1 back n sides, tidy up on top... job done. The time will come when its number 0 all over but am not quite there yet lol

Gambling.... blimey, its a nightmare isn't it. In the bookies I play on the slot games, rather than the roulette. But whatever your game of choice its all a big waste of time and money. Gambling when all is said and done is just escaping into the dopamine fix, thats why its so hard to walk away. When I win I always put it back in, if not the same day, then sometime soon. The anticipation of the gamble I have always found intoxicating, the consequnces have always been awful. Focussing on the consequences before the gamble is the key and may just stop us walking in. Tis not easy of course as my mamouth dairy is tantamount to. What I do notice though is that when I am a regular reader and writer I tend not to gamble... it helps and i have in the past been for long periods off it.

Thanks for your support and get well soon.

S.A

Hi julie, I see you in the chatroom from time to time. Hope the nachos were nice tonight!

Hope you're feeling a bit better now and everything is slowly starting to improve.

Small steps and we will all suceed!

https://youtu.be/9-yDHo5pB9o

Thanks Deano, Thanks Rhoda, SA and Adam for leaving a message for me. I have done as much as I can do today and must sleep, but know the messages mean a lot and I will reply tomorrow.

Julie x

Hi Julie

I haven't spoken with him as I only speak with him through here.

I'm sure he'll pop up at some point.

Hope your day has been a good one

Deano x

You were right Deano 🙂

Dear Diary,

This evening I sent an email, a work email that I will probably have to answer for tomorrow, but I can most likely avoid until Monday. It was in my usual honest, no b/s language, but very polite all the same. Knowing I sent the email, makes me feel happy and true tonight. Win/Win.

Apart from that okay day, am really not feeling 100 %, cold and drained, but am just keeping my head down until the working week is over.

Julie x

Thanks for your message Julie.
Day 8 today, thats great and hasn't that gone fast. Hope all is well with you.
X

Thanks for the post my purpled trainered friend. Hope you're enjoying the weekend?

Have a great one x