There is hope for a better tomorrow

Hi Mixer x,

I think what I was trying to get at last night, I don't change to please others. I am changing, I am changing everyday, and this is an amazing thing. Since I have evolved as a human being to my current form now, which is about 7 years, I am not the person I was 7 years agp. I just had a different outlook to life then. I felt the need to be grateful to people for their friendship, but not in a loving way, in I am not deserving way, and they are 'so good' to be my friend. I was grateful to my ex girlfriend for allowing me to call her to be upset over the fact that she had cheated on me. That last one, I have done a lot of work around, because that is second only to my gambling problem, that I feel very disappointed to myself for. I have evolved and I have learned, but I also learn everyday. Forums like these are great resources, great people, great perspective on you can learn from someone else, and adapt that to your life. For example over the weekend, someone was saying, you had to go to GA to be serious about giving up gambling. After I got over the "no one will tell me what to do", I realised that that person was saying that this was their journey, and what they felt worked for them. When I looked at it, I am too much of a helper to go to a GA meeting, I would end up embroiled in everyone's else's problems, as an escape for my own. Sure that is what I do best. I think that is why I re-called that dinner group to mind last night. I was so hoping to meet someone for me, yet threw so much energy into facilitating that group.

What I find it hard to accept in myself, in my in-ability to wonder why others don't treat me as I treat them. I am not perfect, wow no, there is a very catty redhead here, that will call breed, seed and generation up about you if you cross me. It rarely happens, and the twice in my recent memory that it has, has been work related, so not a big loss. I feel grateful for this site, and especially after Saturday and my inner battle with me. What I won't accept is feeling lesser than anyone else, or having that need to please others. A few people have said, my diary is amusing and honest. It is, because that is the nature of me. It is not about anyone else, this is about me, and my journey. I suppose what I am struggling with is aligning my values with others, and finding that middle. It will come and I guess it comes down to the point of the world being made up of zillions of different people, how much we choose to share our lives and respect with others, is completely up to us. That is the power that for so many years, I gave away. Not for one more day, will that ever happen again.

Am in bed, voluntary day off work.....much needed.

Julie x

Morning Julie, I hear what you are saying about GA, about becoming too involved in other peoples problems. I had had 8 sessions of counselling prior to going to GA, but then just had a feeling that I needed to go. That is not really relevant. What I wanted to say is, yes you need to start to know yourself through counselling, but do you not also need to learn how to relate to people in real life, not simply being their problem solver, but letting them in. GA is not about solving other people's problems, for me it is about reaching out, daring to open oneself to others, sharing our experience our knowledge. No one person in the Room has the answer. When we are open, we also gift to others in the Room the opportunity to share their wisdom, their thoughts...it's a place of growth. Just my ramblings. Enjoy your day off. Best wishes.

Hi Ji,

One thing I've realised in life is to know your true worth. True friends will always know this. And also 'kindred spirits' that you meet in life; I'm certainly in tune with you JI, and Rhoda too as it happens. "Nowt so wierd as folk" goes the old saying, and it is frustrating that some people are more takers than givers. Those that stand a round of drinks and those who never do! Those that apologise when they've made a mistake and those who never, ever say sorry! These and so many other types of people that make up this bewildering planet!

The best thing we can do is steer a path and maximise our exposure to the types of people with which we identify and minimise it to those we don't. Easier said than done, of course, but in our free time, especially, we can give it our best shot!

Someone told me once: When you're 20, you worry about what people think about you. When you're 40, you don't give a rat's @r*e. And when you're 60, you realise that, at 20, no-one gave a rat's @r*e about you back then!

Another wise old saying: "Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience".

It's about steering a path through, keeping that serenity where we can 🙂

And realising that '@r*e' get's through the Gamcare filter! Small victories 🙂

Rhoda,

I think that is one of the key issues I face, letting people in. Oh they can come in the front door, and maybe into the front room, but it stops at that. This I know, this I can change. I need to do some work to do that. I am going to start counselling on Tuesday, see how that pans out. I have a hunch, and that hunch maybe wrong, that this gambling issue is coming from the past, and things that have come up for me. Will have a good chat with the counsellor on Tuesday and be equally as candid in person, as I was on the phone. I have a good feeling about it. In fact I am looking forward to going.

Mixer, You make me smile as always. I wouldn't even mind the takers, I just have a gut feeling about something and cannot shake it. I have learned to trust that feeling, as it is very rarely wrong. I don't even think it's about an apology Mixer, some apolgise just for the sake of apologising, without realising what they are apologising for. I dunno.....Maybe it is best to just put that distance in place and move on.

I ran out of petrol today, leaving work at dinner. Parked JJ (which is Julie Junior, that's what I call my car), as best as I could, on a bad bend on a country road. I started to walk towards the gates of the hospital, and I fell into the ditch on top of cow dung. Please laugh! It is funny. My consultant choose that moment to round the corner, and witness my fall. He was quite the gentleman, helped me up, into his car, bought me petrol as I didn't have my purse on me, and brought me back and filled the car. Smiling now, there was some choice language in that car.

La Fheile Phadraig tomorrow, which is the feast of St. Patrick for all you english folk. It is our national holiday. I am preparing a buffet for my ward, have my sash with flashing lights, and my Irish dance moves are down. I love our national day, may Irish eyes be smiling. Booking flights to go home for Easter time, looking forward to a wedding and seeing the family for a few days rest.

Julie x

Hi Julie

I want to congratulate you for hitting 3 weeks today. 21 days. I know how you have been handling this in the last three weeks and you have been doing great. I really hope you find something next Tuesday when you have your councilling session and i will be thinking of you that day. Expect to be exhausted afterwards and plan something nice for yourself, a treat for being so brave and honest. Get yourself a pack of French fancies or a Marsbar.

All the best and keep your head held high

Dan x

Happy st,Patrick's day Julie

I admit I chuckled when I read you fell in the cowpat lol please don't tell me the purple trainers are now brown?

It's good to see you are taking up the offer of counselling for some reason I imagine you'll be the one asking all the questions haha

On a serious note I hope you find the answers you're looking for .

Well done on your 3 weeks bet free

Enjoy you're day

Deano x

Hi Deano,

Thank the good almighty, I was in my work gear, so I only fell over in my work shoes. The purple trainers are in safe keeping still. Deano, are you trying to say that I am gobby....ha!! In fairness I probably am gobby...I hope I find the answers that I am looking for too. It will be an experience.

Dan, thanks for the post. I plan to come home to a pre-bought box of french fancies and a bath, and relax. I know it will be difficult and draining, but it is a necessary thing to get to the root of the issues that I have. I am sure that it won't be all plain sailing and stuff will come up. But no pain, no gain.

Have had a lovely St.Patrick's Day, really proper good craic! Am working both Saturday and Sunday (I know, too much work), but I want to have a few quid for going back home in savings. But I am working on a lovely ward, and the vibe is brilliant, will get my dinner cooked for me both days, and yeah all good.

Julie x

Hi Julie.

Thanks for the post on my diary and happy St Patricks Day. Mrs Bal and I are having a wee drop of guiness so cheers and best wishes x

*** Happy St Patrick's Day Julie! ***

Thanks for the comments on my page Julie, I hadn't been on as it was my son's birthday and I've been tied up a bit.
I hope your well and don't work too hard:-)

Bal, hope you and Mrs. Bal enjoy the black stuff. x

Thanks Mixer-It has been a fabulous day. I have sang, danced, ate loads, ate more, laughed!! Really good fun, and the best sober Paddy's Day that I have had in a long time.

Just getting into bed, reflecting on the day, and the week, and this time three weeks ago. How time changes.

Julie x

Dear Diary,

Am finding it hard to settle. Not gambling wise, but to switch my mind off. So here I turn, for a few moments of clarity. Today was intense at work. It rained, people seem in much lower spirits when it rains, as if they are without hope. I tried to be that beacon of hope and joy. I did raise a few smiles. I tried to 'hold on' to the fact that I was jaded from the week that has just been, and give my all. In my job, you either give all or nothing, there is no in-between. I am just not sure there is anything left for me tonight. Tomorrow and then home. Managed to go grocery shopping on the way through the village. I went to one of the main supermarkets. The joy of having money that is mine and hard earned, means that it is just nice to nip in and get a few bits of shopping, without feeling guilty, or only spending so much, because I wanted to hold gambling money back. I am grateful for my home tonight, warm, clean, tidy, and a hot shower and a warm bedroom to sleep in, where I am safe. Makes all the difference in life. All of the above, I have not always felt in life, so yeah good times!

Hoping for a slow finish to the week, aka no drama. Having said that, it wouldn't take a lot to top today...I have checked into the 2017 challenge tonight, as I do not know how I am going to come out of the day ahead.

Eyes are finally closing, good time to put the laptop down and snooze.

Laters

Julie x

Oh Julie....My lovely Irish munchkin 🙂 thank you so much for your welcome:) I've missed your craic!

Therapy? This is a question I ask myself almost daily, well actually that's not true....What I do is bury my head in the sand and continue to think I can fight this battle without it.... I'm two people Julie.... the public face and the very very private face, stupid pride and shame stops me sharing the private with anyone, it's the main reason I come here, I feel safe behind a keyboard, sad & stupid I know. I think you truly know what I mean....strong independent intellectual women on the outside, blubbering insecure guilt ridden addicts inside. I've often spoken of my demons in my diary and gambling is just one of a long long list....Do I need some sort of therapy or counselling? Yes I believe I do....Can I take that step? I'd be lying if I said yes.......

Anyway enough of my prattling.....You take care of yourself ....Your job is so demanding both mentally & physically, I know from experience how draining that can be....I loved my job but it almost killed me..... you have to look after you first girl!

One of the biggest things I miss about Ireland....Paddy's Weekend....Party party party and party some more, Jesus I thought us Scots could go for it but you lot know how to celebrate lol...

Hugs....Mari xx

Blooming Eck!!! When did P a d d y become offensive? 🙁

Since he teamed up with Mr Power and became a menace to society.