This is my story. Hi by the way.

Hey ive not been active. Job going well, looking at a promotion next year if i try lol. Anyway appreciate all the support, no doubt iam not cured. Gotta give some serious credit to stepchange, they are sorting me out, anyone who is in trouble due to gambling, the help they have done for me is amazing. Please get help if you need it.

Had some urges tonight... But i know i can control it. Its annoying!

I have no money so i know i can control it.

I worry for when im debt free..... again. But im still postive.

I know i can do it, its so frustrating because i no if i had money to spend, id be spending it right now... Grr anyway at the moment dont think bout gambling, iam perculiar lol, only think bout it when im drunk... and i have thought bout it tonight. But iam in control at the moment.

If your not in control please get help.

Weekly update seems sensible since i work full time now lol.

Even though i dont think about gambling 90% of the time, doesnt mean it is easy, i have urges again tonight, i am not going to act on them tonight, and i have the money to spend, but it is hard to control, but i can do it. Job is going well, got lucky really its a quiet shop for a company making loads of money lol. But no seriously, everytime i have a drink i still think about it and i do worry about the future.

I told my best mate the other day about my addiction, again he wasnt suprised and he told me about his mother and her financial problems (not due to gambling) but she has had thousands written off. Its made me realise how widespread peoples problems are. I know iam not alone, and thats why i continue to post on here to read about people and to get my feelings out.

Ive still not realised that these feelings will never go away. Maybe one day they will go away when im out. Maybe not, either way its gonna be hard.

First thing is merry xmas to you all, i no alot of you will be enjoying yourselfs lol, and i am too, i havnt posted in a while because ive been working and havnt really had a problem with urges.

But tonight i had a big problem, first time i have proper gone out, with money and alcohol. I met my dads german girlfriend for the first time tonight and she is lovely and inteligent. She knows about my problems, we didnt discuss it but she knows. Obviously they have only been going out a few months so they left early lol. (of course) but i was left wih a bank card and its still early (10pm xmas eve).

My body had said f**k it im going gambling (drink talking). i told my dad i was going to get money out so i could get home in a taxi. but on the way i thought £50 in casino wouldnt harm anyone. Anyway went to the cash machine and drew £50 out, i stopped. For the first time ever i convinced myself not to go and talked myself out of it, its never happened before, so i speak now with £45 in my pocket after taxi, and i feel good. But my god it was hard, it isnt easy, i know people have it harder than me, but times like this when people are out enjoying themselfs, i find it so much harder. Tonight i have controlled it for the first time - with money in the bank - although i most of it isnt mine lol gotta pay stepchange, but money is there and i didnt spend it. Step forward.

I really hope everyyone has a good xmas, i have a stinking cold too today lol, but merry xmas and happy new year, but i think i will post something in the new year because thats gonna be hard for me too lol.

Have fun everyone

Hi,

Thanks for posting on my diary page Xmas Eve.

Just read you post above about the £50 withdrawal. I would like to say well done for not giving into the urge. You use the word "control" which is such an important word in this recovery. I have mentioned so many times one thing I have learnt at GA was I was out of control when trapped in the addiction. Now I'm the person who is in control. So combined with my strong mind, I'm ready to fight this terrible addiction whenever I need to. In the latter days of my gambling I had no enjoyment, win or lose, I was an addict who was out of control, a selfish b@st@rd who didn't care about anything apart from feeding the habit. Reaching rock bottom was the worst time in my life but it's sad to say it is something I had to reach before I could/wanted to change.

So my friend, well don again. I see soon you will be at your 90days. So enjoy the Xmas & New Year break then keep your head held high and reach the important GA milestone of 90 days. You'll have bad days, we all do, but believe in your "strength and control" you'll keep one step in front.

All the best.

Hey there just been reading your story ty for being so honest and open. Im new to the site an posted my own journey of hell yesterday which has helped me loads just by getting it off my chest. I just wanted to say massive well done for resisting when you withdrew the 50.00 . Anyway happy new year to you and hopefully 2017 will see you continue to go from strength to strength and stay gamble free x

Appriciate last the last two comments! - sorrygorry and shep 72. Havnt posted in ages mainly because theres not been alot to say. Its really weird because i now dont have the urge when i drink, but i am still cautious about the future.

I know one day - next year i will have money and that will be the ultimate test. I mean budgets pretty tight these days but i get by and i have a job, but its not easy. I am a weird case i know that as the bug seems to come and go, in 3 months i might say i gambled... i just dont know.

But again i must say admitting my problem and coming on here has helped me alot - even though i dont post alot. Money isnt great but its a dam sight better than what it would have been.

Off work this week coming hope to update a bit more.

And with regards to that 50 pound at xmas eve, was almost a turning point - after that not really entered my head, but the journey is not over its early days.

I Failed tonight - i gambled and im furious with myself - i knew it might happen, but it has, pretty depressed right now lol but i know it isnt easy but its so frustrating, i am online dating at the moment but thats gonna have to go by the wayside now, pretty grim! but im not an angry person il still fight this but its all gone wrong tonight and im not happy about it, im off work this week and its gonna take some getting over this, i will - but it wont be soon.