This time....

Sa

Fella life throws things our way at the worst of times, I am pleased that you have the funds to repair your bike, I too use a bike as my main mode of transport and from it I take great pleasure.

I have the half glass approach to life after twenty years looking at the half empty one and although it's sh#ite riding in the rain and I don't know if it's just me but there are days when I ponder if I am invisible to the world lol,as cars play cat and I am the mouse lol,but the enjoyment I get from cycling outweighs the lot,I ride from a to b at my own pace, I clear my own mind whilst riding home and psych myself up riding to work and did you know you can load a weeks groceries on your bike and still ride it lol!!!

My point, there's two sides to every coin.

I hope you return to self exclude, I relish self excluding because again I am not a loser for doing so, I am in possession of my own mind.

Keep shutting the doors between active addiction and you, because my friend you are simply worth it.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks folks.. glad I helped you not to gamble Bluebella33.

Many thoughts swirling around my head. Feel depressed this morning. No such thing as rock bottom in my mind. Just a series of intense panicky lows of different degrees. My recent meltdown probably comes in my top 5 but its not my lowest of lows. That came back in 2004 when this addiction came as close as it ever has to me taking my own life. It sends a shiver down my spine when i think back to then. Am so tired of living this way. If its any crumb of comfort to myself I note my greater willingness to put up barriers to my gambling. Not just talking about it but actually doing it. I keep checking that my gambling blocker is working and that it won't let me uninstall it. It does its job. I want to fast forward to the end of the month and pay day so I can then pay lots of rent and bills and start to feel a bit more secure again. But alas life doesn't work that way does it.

Off to my mates in a bit on my reconditioned bike. Dunc's I do enjoy cycling for sure. Glass half full. My mate wants me to move in with him. He's stung by the bedroom tax. he's a Cg to. I don't think I will. Two Cg's living under same roof. Not a good idea.

Thanks for listening... S.A

No gambling since my last post.

Two more self-exclusions in place. Photos always in back pocket for more exclusions at any time. Am deadly serious this time. Enuff is enuff. No more gambling cos I can't live this way anymore. Its no life. Its been killing me slowly.

Thanks for listening... S.A

No, moving in with another gambler is not a good idea SA. Good that you see that for yourself. Cycling sounds good amd very healthy way to replace the time spent doing 'the other thing'. Have you been to your doctor about anti-depressents? After a horrid bereavement I started them and, depsite being anti medication for years, it has worked very well for me. I was totally surprised and very pleased! Money can be earned and replaced so forget the money. You can't win as you can't stop. That is now my mantra. Please keep posting, I find it so helpful to read how others and doing and it gives me more resolve.

Onwards and upwards. It is the only way my friend.

Thanks for your lovely message.

It's great to read you are still very positive, anything and everything is possible, just keep believing in you.

Suzanne xxx

HI S.A.

I've just read your diary and as other people have said I am very grateful for your posts. Thank you for your honesty. I'm hopeful that you are able to see some rays of sunlight in the midst of the darkness.

keep going

Stu

Thanks folks... and pleased to report that no gambling since my last post.

I haven't been able to connect to the forum at all for the last few days until I tried a few minutes ago. I understand its technical issues, but when I finally logged on and saw the last post as "admin" I do wonder whats going on.

Anyhow, no gambling, thats what matters. Am recovering bit by bit.

All for now and thanks for listening... S.A

Well done SA. Good to know others are making progress too.

well done SA. One day at a time.

Stu

SA

Keep going my friend And keep strong and safe.

Suzanne xxx

Yes indeed, keep going.

The panick has passed. Even the intense sadness of what ive done to myself (again!) has lifted a bit. Am kind of left with a residual tension in my shoulders as I inch slowly towards the next pay day. Am digging deep and getting up and going to work and living normally if there is such a thing.

Surprisingly am not currently having urges to gamble. Ive come to terms with the money ive lost and my practical barriers to gambling have stopped my addiction in its tracks. I have breathing space now.. to get back to working on myself and staying well.

I had a good run this morning. Onwards... S.A

Hi SA

I'm still new at this, but I did find getting the first payday to be a relief as it meant a plan to restore could be put in place. Isn't life hard sometimes and also not fair? It is especially so when we feel we have done something to ourselves, at least that is the case for me. Coming up for air is a good feeling and also that you will recover. Do you have something to look forward to? I always like to have something to look forward to within the next few weeks as it reminds me that the future can bring good times.

take care

SA

Fella I know that self exclusion gifted me a great deal of the power addiction held over me, the opportunity to seek escape to the bookies taken away by my own empowerment.

Normality is not a word we relate to through our actions and for me in truth not one I choose in recovery, why??

Because what I have is better than that, it's something to behold.

Fella keep making a difference to your own life, in doing so the knock on effects will be positive for many others.

I am still coming to terms with your new thread lol,it's strange to see,like your a newbie lol

I believe that your previous thread was the most established here, from which a great lesson I learnt.

Never give up on giving up.

I believe that I understand the implementation of the new one to boot

To embrace change.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks folks and Dunc's ive decided to return to my original diary.

THIS DIARY IS NOW CLOSED