Well here i go!
It's Christmas eve and where getting all the kids presents wrapped happy days can't wait to see there little faces,
A cheeky little whisky and a mince pie for Santa (jus a bite tho hehe)
Later that night i have a small domestic (i'll not get into that) with the Mrs and off to bed she goes leaving me downstairs, in sheer stupidity i then in frustration find my self logging on to a gaming website, start winning abit as you do then BAM!! Start losing AS YOU DO, i started by dipping into Christmas holiday money going on to lose this then made the biggest mistake in my whole time gambling... i added my credit card! NEVER EVER DO THIS!! I went on to deplete my full balance of Ā£5500 and logged out in dispair. What was about to be a great day turned out to be 1 of the worst days of my life! I somehow managed to front it i don't how! Kids and family still had a great day
So... after the holidays i manage to get loans to cover some of the damage and save on interest on the card and promise to all those close to me i told that i'd never gamble again! Also i managed to get money towards moving to a larger house, Jan Feb March Mid april gamble free and things looking up then, mid April arives, u know what comes next! After strugling and doing without all this time i manage to get my debts down dramatically, then... even tho i should have learned i know!! i open a new gaming site, won abit close it down and run for the hills! Couple weeks later me and my partner have a disagreement and what do i do, open another! Now, just the weekend gone i had my credit card cleared and was finding my way to my old happy self again 'fireworks' I've blown the lott again, i'm now sitting on 10k+ debt and Summer is just kicking in! Also the need for a bigger house is blooming as my youngest is gona need to share a room with her sister who currently shares with her brother age 6 + 8!
I've totally screwed up this time and i think i've used all my last chances with my partner, and just feel so low now! Why do we do this to ourselfs and loved ones??
I've found a website which everyone with a gambling problem needs to visit 'Gamstop'' this basically stops u from signing up to any registered uk online gaming website it's my first step in my recovery! I really felt like giving up, but couldn't do it to my family.
Today is day 3 gamble free
On with the battle
Thanks caughtup!! Gota be real strong this time and just praying my partner can find it in her heart to forgive and understand me! Tbh i don't feel i deserve another chance but i have to try and fight as my family is my world, now i can't access online gaming i feel i'm in the right lane again its just the burden of the debt i'm struggling with, i feel no compassion in any way towards gambling whats so ever its truly a 1 way ticket to total destruction! And i know the amount ive lost isn't a world record but in my world its very damaging! But lets dust the shoulders and crack on ehh! On we go....
Well decided yesterday to get the mother in law involved as my partner seemed unable to cope and i felt she needed to talk to someone, I gave her a call asking her if she would come for a walk to which she agreed, it was so difficult opening up to her but something i had to do!
To my surprise she she seemed although slightly disappointed, understanding and didn't judge me to harshly, she then agreed to come round to our place to speak to the mrs to whom was'nt best pleased, but it turned out ok. After cards where on the table i spoke up and said "She wants me out" to which her mother said "where family and family's stick together" She'll never know just how much that meant being in the boat I'm in, just wow... after some brilliant advice and mediation she offered to take us out for dinner taken i'd took some time off work whilst recovering from the meltdown, we agreed and this really calmed me down and helped me get through the day (so grateful for this).
It defo goes to show, u must talk, never keep it to your self, and having many relapses myself put every block you can find in place, u can't beat this on your own!
Day 4 GF still very very raw but on with the fight, i might of lost ŠŠŠŠŠŠ's but i have my family and there my wealth and world, i'm gona beat this for us all!
Just been to the doc's got a course of happy pills (never had these my whole life) and counselling, i think my gambling addiction stems from past pain i don't know, but i'm determined to conquer it regardless, i make this time for real the promise to be gamble free for good! I don't crave gambling but when i start i can't stop so i just must not start!
Lets see if these meds help then, always been afraid to take em, but where i was on Sunday and how i feel now i need to try something. 1 last thing also....
'Coldplay-Fixyou'
Straight to the mirrow š
Day 7 GF
Well... here's day 7, what a week i think i've more mileage than jumbo Jet (walking, walking and some more walking), the meds have drove me nuts but i think there starting to do there job now!
It's a case of letting go of the loss now, i'm feeling really gutted atm tho, my poor family could of been abroad with the money i've blown, we could have done so much with it :(:(:(, buts its gone and now i just need to realise this and focus on my recovery, i've had so much support and don't know where i would of been without it! The Mrs is gona stand by me this very 1 last time (I love her so much) so gambling hasn't quite took everything! I really feel i've reached the point (although i've said it before this time is 100% different) of never gambling again! I wish i'd discovered gamstop earlier in life as it could of saved so much trauma!
Time to look forward to a gamble free life and finally learn from this! I wanna look back in a years time and say "yup, i learned'
TO THE FUTURE!! 1 DAY AT A TIME!!
So..... 33 days ago i posted my shambles, in this time i have sold personal items made massive payments towards my debts and managed to get it down to 5k, only thing was, this is on a credit card to which because the purchase was gambling related had massive daily interest rates as well as the initial shocking fee's charged at the beginning :(:(
So.... i seen on an ad the clear score app for free credit score and had a neb, to my surprise my credit rating was very high, I've always been good paying debts but thought gambling transactions would of drove it down! Through the app i was directed to offers of credit and seen i was 95% in favour of a 3.5% APR loan, o*g so i of course applied knowing i would save ŠŠŠŠŠŠ's on credit card interest
After getting approved 3 days later i had the 5k in my bank account "get in there"
U know what happened next tho don't u.......... Wrong!! HaHa
I instantly paid off my credit card and now am left with a comfortable monthly payment with very little interest, i feel like a led zeppelin has been lifted off my shoulders and very proud of my now 33 days gamble free!
I really thought last month there was no way out and life wasn't worth living, but u know what, it most certainly is and believe me I've tasted a darker side of life last month but there is most definitely light towards the end of the tunnel!
To everybody at the beggining of there journey with damage, please believe me it gets easier so long as you stop and stay stoped! I've gambled for a long long time and honest to god believe me there is 1 winner and it ain't me or you!
I feel in a much better place and look forward now to making my family enjoy the life they deserve, i love them to absolute bits!!
Here's to a gamble free life 33 days now and many many more to come :D:D
Hi Xgamblerx,
Great diary, very candid. Heart on a sleeve stuff. Inspired move getting the M-I-L involved when you did I’d say!
Well done on your subsequent recovery. Sounds like everything all going in the right direction. At least you recognise that one of your triggers is (was) having a ‘domestic’. Understanding them is important, so you can be on your guard when they occur!
Keep up the good work.
Thank you for your kind comments Ukds69 i appreciate your praise.
Well Sons Bday this weekend and boy did he have a good one! What a great day.
Was lovely spoiling my little man and seeing all my family happy and having fun filled me with joy!
My back garden is looking shabby, the grass is destroyed of the dog and winter, So now i'm not pouring my wages into the casino company's pockets i've booked a new turf to be laid this Wed š so the kids can get out there and njoy the sunshine, obviously be dusting the bbq down at some point too nd get my social life back up and running, cannot wait!!
I'm feeling so positive towards life being gamble free and focusing on bettering it and not destroying it any more than i have!
I must admit i thought i'd hit rock bottom from previous relapses but this time i realise i thought wrong, and if i'm to be totally honest it's taking me to hit rock bottom to feel completely rid of this mental disease i suffer! Thinking about gambling now repulses me literally making me feel sick! I'm now getting my kicks from treating my family and upgrading aspects of life, i refuse POINT BLANK to ever go back to the that darkness i was in!
Today marks day 36 gamble free and the gambling hangover has drifted, anxiety has gone, depression has gone, and life feels on the up! Thankyou to all i confronted in for my wonderful support, i couldn't of done it with out you's and thank god for all i have in my life!
My youngest's beautiful little girls 1st bday next Fri and i cannot wait! Gona treat her to a smatrike and summer wardrobe and of course a daytrip out (unlucky casino's, another paycheck of mine your not getting, get used to it!! 'middle finger up')
Onwards now to day 37 gamble free with a big big smile'
George Ezra 'Paradise' LOUD š
Hi Xgamblerx,
What a great post, so nice to read. I really hope all is still going well for you.
There is a feeling of sort of regaining our senses once we have ridden ourselves of this insidious disease. Not only as in senses of the mind but like being able to see more clearly, smell things that we couldn’t smell before etc
Keep giving the middle finger to the sc-umbag casinos, I certainly am, and it feels great š
UKds69 i appreciate your post i really do!
I'm sitting@ 00:15 listening to headlights by eminem!
Jus been talking about mine nd my partners losses (Dad's) to each other we lost em both the same year š
We ended up fatching after drinks!
I'm sitting now numb...... thinking about my messed up life HA!
Without getting too much into it I'm drawn towards the fact i didn't win the lottery and still have 5k's worth off debt.....
I'm drunk and vulnerable towards trying to get it back,
Maybe type in my browser gambling sites not associated with gamstop?!?!
DAM!!!! Why do i look towards gambling??? Why does it pull me like a bulldozer?? I was willing to end my life with my last loss but yet still it seem's my escape!!??
NO!!!!
NO MORE!!! I WILL NOT GAMBLE!!! NO FKN WAY!!!
I'M 35 IN NOV AND HAVE 3 BEAUTIFUL KIDS AND AT THE MOST 3 YEARS TO PAY OFF MY GAMBLING DEBT!!
GET OUT MY HEAD RIGHT NOW GAMBLING!!!
I'm 50 day's gambling free!! next sat i'm gona be 57 day's i swear to fkn god!!!
THIS DISEASE IS NOT GONA BEAT ME!!!
I've too much to loose
ARRRRRRHHHHH!!!!!!!!
ok........
Woooooo saaaaaaaahhhhhh
š
50 days gamble free 2day
I swear on my whole family's life next week i'm posting 57 days gamble free!!
1 MAN ARMY AGAINST GAMBLING!!!!! BRING IT!!!!!.......
I'VE HAD MUCH BIGGER BATTLES!!!!!!
TOO ALL!!! WE CAN BEAT THIS!!!
WE HAVE IT IN US!!!
LET'S SHOW EM!!!.
Wow. You are seriously rocking it.
Hope all is going well for you this week and that you’re honing in on that 57 day marker!
Keep focussed on all the bad things about gambling, don’t let it sneak back into your life.
It’s funny (well, ok, not actually funny), when we gamble (or should I say when we USED to gamble!), most of the time we are fully conscious that what we are doing is a bad bad thing. We know on some level that we are handing money over to the very people that we passionately despise with all our might. Soulless creeps that sleep perfectly well at night because they have no conscience. Yet we carry on, slowly but surely, destroying ourselves, giving them our money and making ourselves more and more miserable into the bargain.
Why do we do it? The obvious answer is for the big win. But as all us CGs know only too well, a big win is often worse than no win. At best it’s gambling tokens, at worst it legitimises the whole thing to ourselves and opens the door to greater losses once the winnings have gone, which of course they will be.
Keep strong.
Thanx for you post ukds69 absolutely bang on your comment, when I've went long periods gamble free i use to tell my self if i do gamble what am i winning?? Well in truth all i'm winning is someone else's misery, that really is the top and bottom of gambling, you lose someone else wins what you lose, well a piece of it obviously the house is getting there payday too.
In my opinion we carry on gambling despite knowing the damage it can cause because we've fell for the trap, we've took the house's investment in us altering the way we think and walked away deluded, it's now in our heads a possibility of making money and fail to realise we are now part of the business of gambling! Look around in your venue regardless of what that may be, very upmarket yeah??? And all paid for by misery! Who would of though years before we gambled we'd be giving thousands away to a business for free?? Its just plain madness and such a shame it takes a person to the worst level of sadness and all time low to get out of this horrid world of gambling, Usually with the painful reminder of a monthly payment for a good few years+ too!
Well i say... instead of dwelling on the payments, lets use each and everyone of them a counter punch towards gambling, and 1 day when the last payment come's land that haymaker straight in the sweet spot and walk away a champion arm held high free to enjoy what time we have left! Leave the all time greatest fight in history IN HISTORY'
quote- I AM THE GREATEST ;)!
The only thing that can happen should you keep fighting is for that day too come, never forget that!
Well back to my promise last week of saying i'm 57 days gamble free..... i honour it, and i'd like to say i'm feeling lightyears better than day 1!
Realise this should you be in the early days- the more you fight the stronger you get' it ain't an easy fight i have to say but it's one we can win should you look towards the light,
There's a bright future out there and its your's for the taking, go get it!!
I'm not for one moment saying i'm cured, that thoughts of gambling have gone (ie the other day i had a money transfer offer from my credit card and began getting silly ideas to make some of my loss back, i'm a veteran in this area and know of the two out comes, i chose neither) but i have to say, seeing my family all newly clothed for the summer and happy going for a meal is a real proud feeling! Had i still been gambling this may not have been the case and is certainly adding advantage to my fight!
All 3 of my kids had fantastic birthdays and where so happy, i'm just proud of myself right now and finding happiness alot more day to day.
My next goal is hitting the 100 day gf step which is 43 days away, i make the first payment of 36 tomorrow my first counter blow to gambling, 35 to go after that. During these payments i'm gona be upgrading aspects of life, i'm gona start driving lessons, get back into training (with my partner going back to work after maternity leave i've been unable to get to the gym but i can still train at home) and start saving towards moving to a bigger home.
The light is shining bright at the end of this tunnel and its getting that little bit brighter each day!
Smiles on my family's faces or risking the opposite with a gamble, this is my thinking when the urges come.
Hey gambler nice open honest diary you’re doing great! The biggest thing we have to watch for us complacency,that niggling little voice that says well done you deserve a bet,you can control it.Well the truth is we only win when we stop.I stupidly let gambling back into my life and suffered a relapse.The self loathing the pity,the selfishness etc it’s horrible.As losses go it wasn’t that big that I can’t recover.My debts are still getting paid etc so I should be ok but it served as a timely reminder that it’s always lurking in the background.We only win when we stop! For us compulsive gamblers it’s not about winning or losing its about the thrill of the bet,the spin of the wheel etc and the hormones released that we so badly crave.You are doing great and you can and will beat it just focus on your family and ask yourself is it worth losing for a couple of quid? Well done here’s to that 100 days
Yo newbeginning
Appreciate your post thankyou, and wish you all the very best in your recovery!
It isn't that i feel i deserve a bet atm its that i sometimes get thoughts i could win back my loss, before the debt i thought of it as an easy way to get some cash, but deffo agree with the buzz the thrill and even when i've been on massive win's my head say's keep going, greed maybe, escape from dark times, i don't know, but 1 thing i do know after a long time gambling on and off a good 15 years btw is that in the end the thrill go's the buzz go's and also the money go's and a massive low mood is all your left with as a result.
Being 58 days gamble free today, this drug, disease, addiction what ever you want to call it is something i'm leaving behind and everytime i get a thought i will through all my strength towards leaving it behind and 1 day i will be so far infront i will forget it! The beast will be slain.
I'm a better happier father son brother uncle partner friend employee without gambling and i'm staying that way :)!
I've just today filled in my provisional licence form, and gona start driving lessons asap, first of many upgrades to my life,
POWER SLAP GAMBLING š
58 days GF and counting.
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