TiMe FoR cHaNgE

HI AJ

Tonight I have read your diary / many thanks for sharing your recovery..Right at the beging of your diary you mentioned that the main reason for stopping was money and today you have posted:

"but...it hit hard...i never want to feel like this again....ive been through a good spot without gambling, and life has been good.....i dont want to go back to poker 24/7.....and you know what.....i think ive finally learned my lesson...

i actually felt sick playing it.....money isnt this issue....it was my own and i can get through til next payday.....my credit cards are untouched"

Its not about the money now, you have changed so much..You have had a taste of a new life and good on you AJ for wanting that back..

It has helped me realise that its not all about the money its about being YOU and enjoying YOU..A lesson well learnt AJ xx

All My Love

Lynn

xx

hi aj

i'm back here after a long absence and am still having trouble with my obsession with poker

I went to reread my diary and saw your post there and decided to see how you were going.

i related very closely to your story - very similar to mine - online poker.

we've got no choice. we have to beat this.

don't you hate the feeling after playing - that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. i feel like vomitting sometimes.

we have to overcome this obsession - feeling like this sucks. without poker i feel so much better.

thanks for reading

hey aj

thanks for posting my diary.

we need to accept that WE are not suited to poker.

It exploits part of us that stops us from using normal judgement.

The most teasing thing about the game is that if played in a certain way it might be possible to finish ahead.

BUT THAT IS ONLY FOR SOME PEOPLE. NOT PEOPLE WHO PLAY IN A COMPULSIVE OBSESSIVE WAY LIKE WE DO.

But how much are we talking about. 2, 3 .. 4 big bets per 100 hands?

Ok so if this is considered good playing how quickly can you undo what you may have accumulated over 1000's of hands? Not long.

And once this happens what do you do then? You strive to regain it. Play a few more thousand hands, maybe step up the stakes to regain it quicker or multi table even more tables?

And if over the long run you are are aiming for 3 bb /100 what stakes do you have to play to make it worthwhile? $10 blinds? $20 blinds? $40 blinds? (talking limt poker here but think buy-ins for NL) At these levels what bankroll should you have? And to multi table at these stakes?

I know now that you won't strike it rich instantly (if you do you're just plain lucky and you could have as easily played the lotto). It's a game of slow accumulation.

If we could control the way we played we might be able to eek out a measly 3bb/100 but we keep playing when we should stop. This is compulsive behaviour. This is when we give it all back and get stressed as hell in the process.

AJ

Just wanted to say how lovely it was talking to you in the chat room you are an inspiration. The last two weeks i have spent sobbing my heart out and rock bottom and its been months since i was rolled up laughing with tears from happiness that you inspired in me today and for that just wanted to say thankyou and it was a pleasure meeting you.

Tonight i will take the time and read your story as its going to be a long read lol 6months its so great, keep strong and keep 🙂 lol

Benn

Mel

well i hit another mile stone today, one which im a little uneasy about 🙁

i knew for the past 6 months my parents would ask me for some money at the end of the year and i was under the impression it would be around a grand so i almost saved that and was in a good position to give them the majority of it. but things are never that simple and they asked for 5 times that! like money grows out my ar*e 🙁

my parents struggle in life like many and i know they need the money more then me. so i was really nervous today and went to the bank for a loan. surprisingly i was accepted at a decent (but not great!) rate and have given the money to my parents

they dont know about my problem, and i dont feel the need to tell them as i can manage this, it just means another payment every month for the next 4 years 🙁 so feeling a little uneasy but hey i knew it was coming in a way and its another milestone out the way

next milestone is to repay some family i borrowed money off, so hopefully by the summer i will have enough to do that

AJ

(((((((AJ))))))))))

love

rusty

xx

i have to be honest i really really really feel like gambling tonight 🙁

im not going to but the urge to do it is really bad i hate feeling like this all anxious and restless but i know ill feel worse if i do gamble so im not going to

AJ

AJ you have come too far to be taking backwards steps.

Put into practice all the skills that you have learned over the last couple of years, and realise that you are so much better than those difficult thoughts that you are having.

Chin up

aunty Carol

xx

Hi AJ - just read a lot of your diary and you seem v rational and have explained clearly what you need to do to be successfully in your attempt to beat gambling - now you need to put your words into action. Each day I struggle but look for advice on here that helps - and take the advice that helps me. I don't need higher powers to help me or to know that I am a compulsive gambler that will never really be free - what I need to hear is that I can beat this thing day by day and each victory is for me a bit more freedom from the shackles of gambling. Yesterday I walked away from the counter where I was about to buy lottery tickets saying I am NOT a gambler and for one moment I wasn't a gambler - just a bloke wanting to keep his money in his pocket for a while longer. I felt great as I walked out and that banished any urges (which came back later but I was miles away from temptation then). So I've found something that worked - may not in the future but for one moment I came out tops - and I think you will too - if you can find the resolve and self-belief. Find what makes you truly happy and seek that out... and then celebrate like anything at you achievement. You are moving forward - mate - trust in yourself... JG x

thanks rusty and jack

so tomorrow i head off to my parents 🙁 for the xmas break, not realy looking forward to it, but itll keep me busy anyways

2007 has been a difficult year. i gambled throughout the first 6 months, and although i lost alot of money, it was nowhere near the devastation of 2005 and 2006. i got my act together i a way, i got a second job on the weekends and managed to pay my credit cards off i was so proud of that and ive still not touched them since paying them off 🙂

i still owe alot of money in loans and some i borrowed off family which will take a few more years to clear, but at least i can see the end of it now, albeit a few yrs away

i still feel sad and depressed, and its my goal in 2008 to find somw happiness. i still havent told anyone in my life about my problem, and its getting to the stage where i cant keep making excuses for my depression - its changed my character massively over 3 yrs and im not the same person. i might confide in some friends over xmas and come clean, i know theyll understand but the shame of it all might hold me back but i need to get it out

im looking forward to next year, things can only improve if i keep my head on straight. i opened an ISA today and plan to contribute whatever i can to it every month even if its a tenner. i havent had savings in over 2 years and today i can finally save ive got savings, even if it is £20!

i expect another tough yr next yr. i work 2 jobs 7 days a week to get myself out of this hole i put my self in, i might drop the second job i a few months at least itll give me my wkends back.

well thats me for 2007, i came to this site 2yrs ago (prob the most sensible thing ive done in 3yrs!) and trulry believe i wouldnt be here today without this site, the great staff and users on here so thankyou to everyone, and i hope 2008 brings a better life and happiness to everyone here.

MERRY XMAS AND A HAPPY GAMBLE FREE NEW YEAR. WONT BE ONLINE FOR NEXT FEW DAYS AS OUT WITH FAMILY. SO LOTS OF LOVE EVERYONE. JAN XX

Hello AJ

I think it might help if you could confide in someone that you trust. Keeping this to yourself must be awful and lonely. My son's friends know about his problems and therefore they understand if he gets depressed, True friends will stand by you.

I wish you all the best in life, you have done so well to get where you are now and it would be a shame for you to get into a depression that might lead you to gamble again.

Rosemary x

Hi AJ. I agree with Rosemary. Having someone you trust who knows your secret makes all the difference in the world. Once I finally got up the courage to tell my family and a few select close friends, it was like a giant weight had been lifted. I can now talk to them when I get urges, and they help share the burden.

You have a lot to look forward to, and I know that you will get through this. I think 2008 will be a brighter year for all of us. Hold your head up high, AJ. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Love,

Anna

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! i think im going mad!

🙁

the urges have been so bad since the start of the year, really really bad and i managed to control them until tonight

yep, i played poker online. and guess what?......i lost.....no surprises there. i couldnt control myself, i dont know what bought it on but ive just had this sick feeling since the beginning of the year. i think its having to deal with another year of paying off debts and having no money is just really getting to me.

so i lost ВЈ900, i managed to quit and put back ВЈ100 from the £1000 i put in.......from my overdraft. i could have put in more but i didnt. im sitting here know KNOWING that i can NEVER win but why do i feel like i NEED to play poker? all i want to do right now is put in another grand and play. If im honest, when i was playing all my worries went away, i didnt feel sad anymore, i felt like nothing mattered....but now im feeling low again and want to go back to the poker table to make it go away 🙁

but i wont, i know my wrong doing and dont want to make it worse. ive got it out of my system now so hopefully i can move knowing that i cant win now.

its going to be such a difficult year im honestly scared of myself.

NO MORE POKERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi AJ

YOu could have but youd idn`t carry on, you could have deposited more but you didn`t..

It may seem bad right now, but you chosse not to carry on..

When I fell in December I could have cariied on but choose to stop chasing..Still hurts at the time but you are making some choices AJ and that is so much better than making none.

Tke yourself to 2007 would you have stopped? WOuld you have made anotehr deposit?

2008 may seem scary, but its less scarier than 2007..Progress AJ counts for so much..

Take Care

Love

Lucy

xxx