TiMe FoR cHaNgE

Hi aj,

Was goog to speak to ou in chat earlier. I seem to have somehow missed you diary but i wll catch up on it soon. Hope you can have a good weekend and stay net free.

All the best cbd

i couldnt do it, i was physically feeling sick, my head hurts, i havent eaten in 2 days, i havent slept properly in over a week and i needed to settle my nerves so i went back to the poker table today and i lost another 2000 on credit cards more debt to add to the collection. i dont know what is compelling me to do it it so difficult to explain right now. its so hard to explain i know i shouldnt be playing i know i can never win so why i go back to poker i cant explain

i dont know what to do ive been to the doctor, ive been counselling ive tried to take on other activities but i just cant deal with this why is it so hard. its not about money anymore, i just want to stop

i just read on my very first post back almost 2 yrs ago i wanted money in the bank and a flat before i turned 25......i turn 25 soon and i have niether and im nowhere close. why am i ruining my life like this i wish there was just an off switch so i can turn it all off

back to square 1

AJ, i am reading your post with the heaviest of hearts. i know that you have so many good qualities, and it hurts to hear what is happening to you at the moment.

this beast has really got your back against the wall hasnt it?

i know that you tried many things to help beat this addiction. Maybe its time to go back to basics again?

Cut your cards up

limit your access to cash

call the helpline

maybe think about talking to your dad?

make a determined effort to get through this AJ cmon please, for your own sake. You do not need to be so trapped in this addiction.

Pick up, and move forward being as determined as i know you can be

love

carol

xx

thanks for your cpmments carol-ann i know you understand my level of depression some what

ive decided i cant keep living like this and will be taking a break from everything including work. i have called my boss and told him i urgently need 3 weeks off and he has agreed. i have a friend doing relief work in a remote village in china and i called him to say im volunteering 2. no laptop no mobile no electricity it will give me time to clear my head.

sure i wont get paid and ill end up spending money on travel and living but its money well spent espec if im not gambling

earliest flight i can get it tuesday afternoon. it will do me good to see how people live with extremely little in poor conditions because if i dont stop poker its where im going

was a hard choice to make but i need to get away and clear my head i dont want another yr of depression things must change

make a determined effort to get through this AJ cmon please, for your own sake. You do not need to be so trapped in this addiction.

Pick up, and move forward being as determined as i know you can be

wow AJ. when i said the above, i didnt think you would be taking such drastic measures, but it sounds like a fantastic trip, and it hopefully it will give you the space that you need to think things through and sort your life out.

You are not yet 25, so you still have a lot of time to turn your life around and then find pleasure and enjoyment, which what you deserve, not attached to your computer playing poker.

I hope the trip goes well, and looking forward to hear about your adventures when you get back

take care

love

carol

xx

well its been a while since i last posted....im about to turn 25 soon....and i remember on my very first diary post 2 yrs ago i wrote by the time I turn 25 I want to buy a flat and have spare cash in the bank

i have niether. no flat, no money. i feel so hopeless ive given this everything i have. id be lying if i said i had quit playing poker, i play but not to the extent i used to, its the only exit i see to get away from all the wrong in my life....yet its ironic that its the biggest wrong in my life......go figure.....

i really dont know what i want out of life anymore....i had great expectations and dreams 3 years ago......now i dont really care. i wake up, go to work, come home, eat, maybe play a bit of poker, sleep and do it all over again. this is my life.

im not struggling financially like i used to, i get by. but ive lost the value of money and wasting money has no effect on me. i know what im doing isnt not helping me, but ive sort of accpeted this life, maybe im not destined for great things and im just meant to be your average joe who struggles through a pointless life?

anyway, i saw my doctor about it who told me the usual GA/counselling/anti depressant prescription....but i dont think theres any advice or drug that can help me through this....maybe i should just accept this is my life

AJ

Your last post just sounded like my son. He feels he has to just accept that "this is his life" and he will just drift along with no real purpose. You say your GP just advised you of the "usual" and that none work for you. They worked before because you stopped for a while. It is only you who can do this, BUT with support.

You sound as if you are depressed and this is just a vicious cycle. You are 25, you have your whole life ahead and it is too early to throw in the towel, please give it another go, you know you can do it and from your earlier posts you were so pleased with your own progress.

I hope things work out for you

Best wishes

Rosemary

Hi AJ

I've followed your diary for a long time now - during my stints back and forth to and from this site.

I know it's hard but I also know that it will be worth it.

Just think of all of the productive and constructive stuff you could be doing with the time you used to spend playing poker.

Probably hundreds if not thousands of hours a year. Think of what you could do if you reclaimed all of that. And this doesn't even count all the other hours that you spend feeling horrid because of playing.

There was life before poker and will be life after poker. So what if you let a couple of years go. You can't change that now.

Personally, I'm focusing on not losing any more time to it.

Hey AJ

Just wondering how you're doing.

hi rosemary how are you doing just to let you know that I am fine into my 4 years of recovery how is your son

i hardly come to this site any more, but i lurk now and again to see how people are coping. ive had many ups and downs, im not proud to say the last time i gambled was 5 weeks ago, having been in "recovery" for almost 3 yrs it doesnt seem like much progress.

but the past 5 weeks have been a bit of a wake up call. i feel changed. and as part of this change i need to reveal something to my friends on here.

first i have to apologise, because i can understand this may sicken some people here as to why i didnt make this change before. im not proud of it either, but i hopw people can understand where im coming from and the need for me to cleanse myself of this wrong.

so......the change i need to make is my username..."AJ"...my name is not AJ, nor does my name have anything in common with these letters. those who know my story will know i had the poker bug and "AJ" isnt difficult to figure out...it's my favourite starting hand..Ace Jack.

so im changing my name to something more appropriate, my actual initals RB

i have to be true to myself and everyone here. sorry if this disgusts anyone, but i had to get this out

Thanks

RB

Well im back!

Almost 6 months of not playing poker, i finally rebuilt my life, had some saving, and no debt and life was good.

then i found out i was going to be made redundant in novemeber, i lost control, i gambled away my savings, my credit cards are back to being maxed out and im 10k in debt, with no job and no life.

im 25, how can this get any worse. I thought i had it under control, obviously not, now i dont know what to do. sometimes i just feel like packing up and moving somewhere where money is not so important.

i hate my life and myself, every job i apply for i get rejected. I was lucky in the fact i had a good job, now times are so hard i cant get anything.

so here i start again 🙁

Hi RB

I'm sure you know the drill better than myself but still I'd like to welcome you back. Take the positive from your past. If you realise you cannot gamble safely then you have made a good realisation. The reason you went back was maybe you thought you could control it this time. Thanks for coming on here and warning me that gambling is still there if I choose to go back. Hope you stay around and chart your recovery.

Take care

Steve E

it just gets worse and worse.

i lost another 3k last night off a credit card maxing it out.

i feel like i did a year and a half ago when i was at rock bottom. all those suicidal thoughts come back and just seem like the only way to stop this (obviously not something id do, ive been through much worse). but i just dont see light at the end of the tunnel. my biggest fear now is im in huge amounts of debt and im unemployed. i dont have rent money or food money (seems like a similar post i did 18 months ago). i just dont know how to stop it.

almost 5years of this is killing me, i have had no life, no nothing and all the hard work i put into everything just disappears. tough times ahead and not the xmas i wanted. lets hope 2009 is more positive.