TiMe FoR cHaNgE

hey mate.sorry to hear you are having a tough time of it.but stay strong and keep ur chin up..we are all in the same boat here.ok maybe some worse off than others but we all have that one thing in common.stay around the site mate its helped me so much and things can only get better from now on in if u stay free from gambling.all the best mate.

Another sad chapter of my life begins. I lost another £2000 in a few hours and now i really do have nothing but debts.

i dont know how to stop feeling so sad. i cant remember the last time i was happy about anything. to add to my depression i have to move back home even though i dont get along with my parents, especially my dad. he himself is a gambler, and hes constantly asked me for money over the past few yrs. its going to be tough as they dont know that i have a problem, that im 30k in debt or that i no longer have a job. theyll soon figure it out.

im really at the bottom of this pit. i wrote 2 yrs ago on this diary that i would sort my life out by the time i turned 25, im almost 26 and ive thrown everything i ever had away. all those other poker players i gave my hard earned money to now theyre away enjoying it somewhere. it makes me sick.

how do you feel happy? i dont have anything in my life that makes me happy. ive neglected all my friends now they dont want to know me. i have no girlfriend noone wants a broke no hope guy. i cant even afford food. my mobile was just cut off and i owe 2 months rent, with no job exactly how do i pay that off? ill list my car for sale 2mrw, i wont need it now anyway. should get me about £1000.

i havent slept in over 2 weeks properly, toss and turn all night and then wake up with a mad headache in the morning. i dont see an end to it. ive had all the advice in the world, and nothing works. i sit up in my room all day with nothing to do but im too ashamed and tired to go out anywhere or do anything else.

im supposed to be job hunting, but i have no motivation to put together a cv or even go through the job ads, it all just seems like a waste of time. the next few years of my life seem so depressing i dont know how im going to get through them. ive sold my life to poker, and feel like its raped me for everything im worth, all thats left is a waste of space that suffers from constant migranes.

ive been here before, i know i have to get back on my feet etc etc etc. 1 day at a time.

sorry to hear about your situation RB.

If it's any consolation, I'm eight years older than you and still in a mess. I can remember in my mid to late 20s thinking I would sort my life out by 30, only I didn't, because I didn't stop gambling.

I can relate to something you said earlier in the thread, about gambling being an escapism, but also being one of if not the main problem we're trying to escape from!

It is very hard to face up to reality, without looking for some sort of escape route (which tends to mean gambling) But I wish you the best of luck in finding a job and sorting your life out.

hi RB, i really want to reach out to you just now.

i hear your pain, i hear your despair, and i hear how futile you believe your life to be at this moment.

i have shared your journey with you over these last 2 years, and in that time i have seen what you have to offer, not only to yourself, but also to the world.

You ask how do you find happiness? I asked that question too, and have been working on finding happiness in the time that we have known each other.

what has been the result?

i am at peace with myself now, and have found contentment. So RB, i know it can be done, no reason why it cant be so for you.

where did i start?

well, once i had decided that i had had enough of bumming around, and wallowing in my own self pity, i decided that things had to change.

i had looked to other people to give me happlness and contentment, and other people ALWAYS let me down. then i began to listen to my own inner wisodom. I listened to that quiet still voice that i had never paid attention to.

slowly and gradually and bit by bit i found that i was a person of great value to myself, and someone that i could trust in all situations. it was quite a discovery.

Like most gamblers, patience was never a strong point of mine, and my early attempts at listening to me were a little hap - hazzard, because i wanted change immediately. It took me a while to realise that i couldnt change in 5 minutes, just because i wanted to.

i had to work at it, and had to work bloody dam hard. It had to become my top priority, and the thing i wanted most and desired most in the whole world. It took months, if not a couple of years.

So, what are u going to do now RB?

are you going to sit back and allow this present situation overtake and overwhelm you? or will you / can you take up that challenge and work on the life changing skills to take you where you want to be?

Its not going happen today or tomorrow, but it will happen if you want it badly enough.

cmon my friend, please please dig deep and find those hidden resources within you

love

rusty

xx

thanks for the comments.

i have to be honest here thats what this diary is for me.

i went back to the poker table, somehow managed to register another credit card and lost another 2k. yes people i lost another 2 f*****g k!!!!

so here i sit knowing what ive done is wrong, back to square 0 with little hope in life.

however i did self exclude myself from every poker site online tonight so theres no chance i can play now, but hey the damage is done.

im not feeling sorry for myself, just disappointed at the life that could have been.

well theres no chance of playing poker now, so ill have to find something else to do. i think looking for a job is a start.

theres only one thing in the world i want right now, is a hug from anyone. but i dont have anyone anymore who cares, so sad i cant even get a hug when i need one 🙁

oh RB

i want to hug you so so much

love

rusty

xx

thanks rusty. woke up with a mad headache this morning and i jumped onto computer 2 play poker again. lucky i self excluded last night so i couldn't play no matter how hard i tried. well at least i can't do any more damage. i've never felt so addicted took me a long time 2 calm down. 1 day at a time

Hi RB..the self-exclusion did its job. The more practical road blocks you can put in place to stop yourself gambling the better. As you say.. one day at a time.. one hour at a time as necessary. All the best.. S.A

Hi AJ, Thanks for inviting me to read your diary. Wow what a journey you have been on.

Sharing your story has really helped me reflect on my own life and face up to how I got here.

I can definetly relate to some things you have wrote about in your diary. One day online poker will be an obstacle we have overcome. But for today - lets just keep trying.

Hugs

Dee

AJ,

I am 25 years old and I have had a problem since Spring/Summer 2008. I have read all of your diary and I have been sobbing here. A 25 year old bloke reduced to tears again!

Just wanted to say hang in there. I have told my Mum and Dad all about it and I am giving them all of my wages each month. This way I can stop this and grow strong whilst recoverstay strong!!!

Hi Patrick, sorry my diary made you cry, but its unfortunately the sad story of my life. ive tried so hard over the years to make things right and ive tried everything. im in a hole again and although i cant play poker online anymore (im excluded from every site i can think of) theres nothing more i want to do right now, this very second, then play poker. its not about losing the money anymore, its just about playing, just about escaping from it all.

but i know that escape wont last forever and will only bring more pain at the end.

its new yrs eve and the bank called asking for their money back. i thought theyd have a sense of humour at this time of year and asked the guy where his christmas spirit was, and he replied itll come through in the form of a court summons. great.

well im determined to make things right for 2009, and i hope this time next year ill have something positive to add here (unlike the last 4 years). im updating my CV today and will start job hunting tomorrow. no celebrations for me tonight, ill be in thinking about how to put the past 5 years of pain and grief to bed.

Happy New Year to everyone. I hope it brings joy and success to us all.

RB

RB it made me cry as I have been there. I know how hard it is.

I am not saying I am expert I can only comment on what has hurt me and what has helped.

I told my Mum and Dad and I felt a weight had lifted. I had nothing to hide. I am very lucky that they dont have personal problems unlike your folks. ( I hope that has improved and that area is ok mate.)

I have put plans in place to get myself debt free. It seems like an uphill challenge but as my folks have all my money each month it should be ok.

I am trying new hobbies, anything that gets my mind off it. I am playing footy and I am going to gym - anything to stop my destructive habit.

Have you looked at moneysavingexpert.com for advice on debt problems - I did and I feel I have turned a corner. (Don't want to sound smug as I dont have a lot to be smug about). In terms of tackling this gambling problem I think you also need to look at your debt problem, I know I did!

As for the banks, don't be pressured. Ask for help. I know they are not very sympathetic but pay what you can afford and keep in constant contact with them.

Don't let the debt problem and the gambling problem excerbate each other.

Having read your diary I saw real hope for myself and for you. You have put your life on track once and can do it again. For me I am not counting the days. I have made a note of the date I stopped somewhere but thats it. My philisophy is that I will have a lot of days to count!

Sorry to go on especially as a lot of actions you have done I have adopted. Such as self exclusion, such as blocking gambling on cards. Come on mate you can do it, you may need the barriers back in place.

Read through your diary to see all the great advice people have given you. It has helped me enormously and you need to wake up. Get your life back.

I can't believe how similar your story is to mine. Hope the new year can bring some fresh motivation for you to quit. Good luck.

i think many share our story dan. im so determined to make this work this year, im so tired of this mess.

i havent gambled in a few days now and although im feeling twitchy, im feeling good.

i told my parents i lost my job, and theyve said i can move back home. its a start. im still job hunting, ill never earn what i was (at a bank) but at least i can start to earn something, pay back the debt slowly and maybe enjoy life a little.

i get little joy out of anything at the moment, i really hope that wears off soon.

2009 - so far gamble free

ive been so blind.

for the past 2 years ive known a really nice girl, i thought she was way out of my league, so i didnt even bother trying to get to know her better.

but yesterday she texted me, and said shes been trying to get to know me better for over a year now. all ive done is pushed her away and now she wants me to make a decision else she'll move on.

to be honest, she is amazing, but she doesnt deserve to be taken into my sad life with all the debt and misery i have. if i come clean to her and tell her my problems she'll run, and if i try to hide it i'll be living a lie again.

and if im absolutely honest, ive lost all interest in women, s*x, food, generally anything and everything. i wish i could have seen this earlier, now it looks like my gambling has not only cost me financially and mentally but its also cost me the opportunity to be with this amazing girl.

lesson to be learned kids.....gambling is bad.....and will f*** you up more then you know