TiMe FoR cHaNgE

Hey RB,

After reading your story I was wondering about a few things. 81k is a lot of money and it either takes an amazing kind of hot streak good variance to run up that kind of money or you were a very skillfull player. I am wondering if you busted your money with any *** of bankroll management i.e. 20-50 buy-ins for a particular limit/only taking a small percentage of your bankroll to the table etc. Or did you practice good bankroll management and have an unbelievably bad run? Did you read poker books? forums? What site did you play at?

I have a small poker bankroll and have run it up to 4k and bust it many times and I decided that I just wasn't good enough or I couldnt beat poker - I didn't have what it took. I had no *** of money really. That £4000 I won could have been £40,000, I just had no *** of the value of money and i'm still not sure that I do. It would always happen. I'd play solid for a couple of months, then have a blow up one night when I was feeling upset about something and blow it all. I'm in my 20s like you.

The other day I found out that I had 12 quid in rakeback still left on ******** from when I went bust the last time sticking my last 250 quid in a 5/10 NL game and losing. So I went to the BJ table and stuck 12 quid on the first hand. It came 10-4, I hit and I got a 7 for 21. So now I had 24 quid. Not much I know, actually its nothing compared to what I once had. Gambling is a weird thing; when the stakes are high, the lower limits dont mean a thing to you, and then when you are broke, 25 quid to get back in the game suddenly seems really appealing. Anyway, I managed to run up 25 quid to £700 quid playing pot limit omaha with absolute maniac players, (got very lucky) and I quit and cashed out because my bank account was overdrawn and I knew this would put me back in the black. So now I've got about £500 in the account and all I want to do is use it to try and build a bigger bankroll again, but a part of me just knows it will most likely turn out the same? I seem to play sensibly for a few weeks, then hit a bad run and slide all the way back to £0 again, or worse.

Really sorry to hear about your story it has truly been a moving experience. I hope you are able to recapture your joy and inner peace. I wish you the best.

hi grazzle,

thanks for your message. in fact ive lost over £110k now playing poker.

it would be meaningless to point out how i played - i think the obvious answer is very badly! but all that money was my own money - not money i had won playing poker. i worked hard 12-14 hr days to earn it (i was lucky in having a good city job) but i lost my job too and now i have nothing but huge debt.

glad youre back in the black - but if you go back you know how the story will end. i trust youll make the right decision 🙂

good luck

RB

Oh, I thought you had built up a small amount playing to a huge amount. If you had a good city job I am sure you can get another one with a bit of perseverance and dedication. Gambling will not determine your life. YOU will determine your life. You can turn this around. I'm rooting for you.

10 days i havent gambled now. so far 2009 is still gamble free!

im starting counselling next week so i can finally start to mend what i broke.

i told my parents today about my problem. theyre so disappointed, but i had to tell them. but it takes alot of pressure off me.

still job hunting, not found anything, but i think im expecting too much. think ill have to drop a peg or 2 from my previous job

still twitchy but netline and chat really does help

almost day 11

hey just been reading your diary,like many people who read will say,i see myself in your diary everywhere..

But i didnt log it down till august...the same patterns ,similar vices..no respect for money etc...jobless and similar debts to yourself..

youve been around and stuck to trying to quit,that shows strength and courage..

i think you will beat this,you deserve to.

Hi RB (AJ)

thanks for making me feel welcome here, i've been following your journey and you've been an inspiration. I'm really glad your here.

Hope to talk soon

Dee

guys thanks for the kind words.

kinda feeling down and sad today. still not much luck on the job front, and even less luck trying to find encouragement to do something about my situation. still i press on everyday looking for a job and trying to keep occupied. it seems during the day i can surpress my urges a little, however they come out at night which means i dont sleep. past few nights i just tossed and turned and my heart just races. i hope i can get some kip tonight.

feeling so sad, the only thing that brings me some joy is coming here, reading posts (sorry i dont respond to many, but i normally read all of them) and joining the chat sessions

lets hope for some good news tomorrow.

i wrote here last night i hope today will be a happy day but its already started off badly. the bank was slow in updating my statement over the hols and i checked it today. im £1000 more in debt then i thought. the total is probably around 40k in debt with no job. another sad day ahead i guess. im ashamed to say it but it makes me want to gamble (i wont though)

RB

Sorry to hear your having a cr** day RB. But hey theres better days around the corner. Your best day gambling is still worse than your cr** days now.

Your doing great, well done mate.

Keep it going.

Dee

i started counselling today. early days yet i just rambled on and counsellor just sat back and listened. it felt kind of good to get some of it out my system for the first time ever.

still no luck on the job front, the search continues.

not much else going on

Hi RB,

I think its great you have started counselling. A safe environment to explore your thoughts and experiences. Fair dues to you.

Sorry to hear job hunting isn't going great, but if you had to look at it positively at least these days its actually socially acceptable not to have a job. 🙂

Take care RB

Dee

thanks dee24, i think starting counselling will give me a regular check point to review the past weeks and hopefully bring some routine to my life.

Feeling annoyed and frustrated today. nothing set me off, i just do. feel like i need a punch bag to get this agression out! every so often i read something on the forum that i dont really agree with or something that is out of place, but i normally ignore and dismiss it, but today i just had to reply, it P****s me off when people are so narrow minded and start pointing fingers.

Obama day tomorrow, ive been looking forward to it for a while. I think hes is already one of the most influential people in history and i hope he brings about some change to the world. i think we all deserve a change, so lets follow in obama footsteps and try and make that change for the better.

3 weeks today, not much of an achievement, ive been here a few times before. soldier on soldier.

feeling so frustrated and lonely today. I hate it.

the feeling of lonliness is really getting to me, but stupid thing is i actually want to be left alone. ive lost all emotions, i keep everything bottled up inside. if anyone tries to get close i immediately push them away. i hate it and i dont know why im doing this.

every night i go to bed so sad because i dont have anyone in my life. no family that care, no partner, no friends. i actually havent spoken to anyone face to face for longer then a minute in over 6 weeks. the only place i can really express myself is online here.

i dont know how to get out of this hole im in and im not doing any favours by secluding myself from everything and everyone else. its easy for others to say "go out and make friends, be more open" etc etc but is so d**n hard for me to relate with other people, its partly the way i was bought up, but even as an adult i still cant break free from it.

il wont lie, all ive wanted to do all day is play poker. poker was my friend that took away all those lonely feelings, and now its gone, i dont have anything else to confide in. Im not going to play, i know it wont do me any good, but i cant help feeling that i want to.

so frustrated.

Hi RB

Can relate to that frustrated feeling and wanting to push people away especially loved ones who start on the painful subject of money.

I owe a similar amount to you £23k and to me that is a whole lot of money as on a low wage. I think if I did not have family to consider I would go bankrupt.

Like you I need to be on my own to stop having rows I know that will be set off especially about money owed to loved ones etc.

Anyway I hope you focus on the positive points. I stayed away from gambling today and those Godforsaken FOBTs that is a victory for me.

I have not given up for any length of time recently and recent relapses have caused me added problems. But I am sure you will agree just one day free from the action of gambling does feel better at the end of the day...

I know the urges are tough but stay in there you are doing OK.