Time to change

I don't feel like doing much at the moment. A great deal of my life is plagued with lethargy. Sometimes I think i'm addicted to doing nothing. Then at other times a maniac doing everything at one. I need some balence. I seem to be imerging from a nasty virus that has struck me down for the last few weeks. Looking forward to some excercise. Gamble free is the way to be.

It doesn't matter how slowly you go, so long as you don't stop.

So I’m back after a couple of months of abstinence. Life was going pretty well until I derailed myself. I got complacent. Stopped posting and surrounded myself with gamblers and their tall tales (they never seem to talk about the losses.) The inevitable happened. I've been in debt all my adult life, thanks to gambling.

A life of debt-free-ness is on the horizon. I've paid back over 12,000 in 2 years of gamble-free-ness. I should be celebrating myself and my achievements not getting sucked back into a pit of despair and self-destruction. I can be debt free by the end of May if I knuckle down. I need rules and structure. There are 2 rules I’ve stuck to for years. That have broken been recently. These are my core. My bread and butter. They need to be stuck to at all costs. No smoking and NO GAMBLING!!

The distance between dreams and reality is called discipline.

I had a good night sleep yesterday. I've got my focus back. Inside of chastising myself, i'm concentrating on a good positive recovery. I want to come out the other side of this as a better person. Gambling alone in my room is a selfish, self absorbed and lonely act. I know at my core I am not that person. I except that this side of me exists but It's not me. I am generous, empathic and social. These are the values I should live my life by. I know the urges will be strong for the next few week but I will come back here when they arise. I will never give up on myself.

The harder the struggle the more glorious the triumph.

Westsider stay strong I am following you to help me, lets help each other.

We are bigger than this illness, this destructive influence.

Massive thank you westsider for your kind words on my diary. Humbled to know you took the time to read a few pages of my diary. Like many I've struggled and still do, big style, with coping with the addiction. My stupid addicted brain keeps trying to convince me to have one last mega spin fest but as you have found out to your cost I just have to keep reminding myself of the desperate states I have been in over the last few years. From having to be sent home from work in bits (reason unknown by employer) to as you read in my diary, shivering in a freezing cold car in the early hours of a morning, pouring my heart out to the samaritans.
Westsider, we don't want to go back there. We must not give in to these urges. I believe you when you say you are not the person gambling has made you.
You and your well- being, peace of mind and happiness are what's important. Never let gambling into your life again. It just causes misery and heartache. From now on, with no gambling, our lives will be so much better - we must do this - because we're worth it!!!! x

I've made it past my day one. April the 1st was 24 hour gamble free. It's a good date as a bench mark. A day that reminds me not to be foolish. Thanks to whatafool and little miss lost for your comments. I've made up my mind that a key part of my recovery is trying to help others on here. A few words of support go along way and getting into the rhythm of posting every day is a good way to keep my addictions at bay. The sun is shining, i'm feeling up beat, It's going to be a lovely day.

Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself from negativity

Westsider,

Youre absolutely correct and posting here each day.

I am amazed how much help it is posting an dtalking about it on here.

I am more focused on how to get back on track through hard work NOT gambling my way out of a hole.......a method that never never works and never will

I've managed another day gamble free. I'm getting waves of helplessness and thoughts about how stupid i've been but I acknowledge the thoughts and let them go. It seems like most of my friends have some kind of bet on and are always talking about gambling. This doesn't help but I know deep down I can never win because I can never stop. I'm just about to have an day outside in the sunshine and i'm looking forward to it. When I escape the clutches of my room, the thoughts of gambling dispurse.

Never forget why you started

Another day done. The urges are starting to subside. I still get odd thoughts of grandeur about how a big win could change my life. But it's not going to happen. I've got some targets to work towards. I been living a life of with no structure and discipline for a while now. I have a few small rules, if I stick to them I can start believing in myself again. It's very hard to love yourself completely after making the same stupid mistake over and over but I have to hope that this is the last straw. It really is time to change.

If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you

I'm in a strange mood this morning. I spend far too much time thinking about myself, thinking how everything could be different, comparing myself to other people. I guess in the scheme of the world I have a great life but It just feels like something is missing, I'm not complete, i'm depleated in some way. I'm cursed to remake the same mistakes again and again and never learn from my actions. I guess these are just thoughts and they'll pass. I won't be gambling today.

Am I cursed or am I blessed, I can't tell

Hi Westsider,

Thanks for your post on my diary, it helps knowing people are reading and encouraging. If I can inspire anyone to quit it gives me more drive to keep my diary going. If you read the whole thing you will probably see my life became pretty f#cked up but I managed to abstain. If I can do it anyone can believe me!

The day count does help, if you are like me I love a challenge and each day wracked up means I can make targets and hit them.

My real advice to you is just tell yourself YOU CAN NEVER WIN. There really is no point gambling as one bet will always lead to more and eventually losing it all, like a match that becomes a forest fire.. Each day you don't gamble you are a day wealthier and not just financially. Stay strong!

Matt

I've had a productive day. My head feels a little clearer. Still day dreaming about having another bet, but the thoughts were batted away pretty quickly. Life always comes down to a simple decision do it or don't. Yes or No. There is no point over complicating things in my head. It been nearly a week since my relapse. Today I didn't gamble, today was a good day.

The most effective way to do it, is to do it!

I manged 2 months of abstinence. The last few days my wall has crumbled and I'm having to pick up the pieces again. It seems to be and endless cycle. It's like I don't want to be healed. The closer I come to salvation the more likely I am to self destruct and fall back into a life of addiction. I am constantly trying to escape. My will power has been falling steadily as my addictions start to re-emerge. Drinking, s*x, Drugs and Gambling. The perfect ingredients for an almighty f**k up. Why Is my soul so condemed

The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, the demons run circles, round and round in my head.

Hey WS,

Didn't realise somebody reads my rambles lol..thanks for the post ☺...made me look back to the first one and got hooked up on Rihanna song! Ha..i have good taste in music huh lol

Now then...relapse? What you gonna do differently this time? Maybe outside help?
You see, I'm not the best person to give advices as i keep putting my toes in cold water myself :-/

Look around the forum...read, take good advice on and never stop believing!

Do you want to get better and stop gambling for good?..commit to change and open up for support. You cannot do this by yourself..

Only for today...keep making the right choice.

Stick around & keep posting..will look forward to read about ur progress

Stay safe..you got it in you!

S x

Your post has really hit home to me today, although I am still GF I feel like I don't deserve to be 'normal' and happy so feel the same about the self destruct button 🙁 Please try and bounce back and get on the GF road knowing that everyone here wants the same thing, take care S 🙂