Time to change

Today is a grind, my mind is twisted and close to braking. I feel tired and sick, stuck in a daze I can’t concentrate on anything other than how stupid I’ve been. Recovery seems like a giant mountain and I am sitting at the bottom looking up in despair. I’m putting on a brave face but churning up inside. I’ve lived a life full of bad decisions, I never learn, I’m weak un-motivated with no focus.

But there Is a speck of hope inside and I have to cling on to it with all my might. Today I won’t gamble. Today is day dot. I will post on here every day, even if it’s just a few words

A single thread of hope is a very powerful thing.

I'm still feeling a bit hazy from my latest re-lapse. I know that if i don't visit this site on a regular basis i'm more than likely going replay the same story over and over again. The scariest thing about my last loss is that I was prepared to keep on going!! Usually I can't watch a roulette ball roll when I'm better high stakes but i was more than prepared to put larger bets on, i had some kind of icey cold focus, like I had left all my fear behind. Luckily my cards stopped me from causing more damage. Maybe I can take this calm fearlessness into other areas of my life.

I have a debt plan. I could have everything paid off in 4 month if I watch my expenditure and don't gamble. I've been in debt all my adult life and it seems like I am trying to sabotage the final stages of my recovery. I have got some counselling coming soon and I'm in the process of putting more blocks in place. I will beat this. I can't keep these destructive patterns up, they just take too much from me.

Today I won't gamble. Today is the first day of the rest of my life

Please don't hit the self destruct button! Imagine how fab you'll feel in 4/5 months? I've got about 2 years before I'll be on an even keel and sometimes it feels like I'll never get there. We're with you all the way here as we all want the same thing, to be and remain GF Sorry if this sounds bossy especially from a fellow gambler, am sorting out counselling too Take care S 🙂

Thanks for your support Sharon. You don't come across as bossy. I really don't want to hit the self destruct button!! There is strenght inside me, I've accessed it before. I know what I have to do. I've kind of made peace with my last loss. I know if I had won there is no way the gambling would have stopped. I would have gone on to lose more money in the future and eventually I would find myself in this situation. You are correct I will be elated in 4 or 5 months time when my money is my own again. It will come around quickly. My priorities for this week are to post everyday and get back into some kind of exercise schedule. Healthy body, healthy mind. I really need to cut back on drinking and smoking but I'm giving myself a little bit of leeway because I've always found it hard to drop every vice at once. Here's to a positive gamble free week!

I may not be there yet but i'm closer than I was yesterday

It's been a tough day. not so much in terms of gambling, because I'm far away from that place at the moment. It's just the everyday slog of life, and I've probably got it easier than most. I just feel washed out in a sea bad descions leading up to today. I hope I can start making some better ones

A major life decision is never a choice but rather a realisation that the decision has already been made.

Great to see your posts, agreed life does seem like being on a continuous hamster wheel sometimes. But as long as we stay GF that is the key and hopefully things will slot into place. I must admit I have been struggling with the emotional rollercoaster big time so have made steps towards counselling which is something I thought I would never consider. Try not yo beat yourself over things you can't change and think about what you can change for the better. Hope you have a peaceful evening and take care S 🙂

Had a long deep sleep last night with no alcohol or drugs involved. I had some abstract dreams but they were quite pleasent in their nature. I've excepted my loses and i'm choosing to move forward. As long as I post on here and reinforce my commitment to recovery daily then half the battle is won. If you want anything in life to have to commit to it. I know in the past I always seem to drift away thinking that I am healed. I'm never healed. I realise this, I think deep down I have always realised that gambling is not for me. It's time to change.

Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.

I'm feeling more in control again! I’ve have accepted the loses. I've also accepted that if I had won during my last binge, It would never have been my last binge. I know that I have made endless promises to myself that I will never gamble again, so what’s different this time? I can’t quite put my finger on it but there’s a different kind of energy inside me. It seems like at the height of my last binge, there was a moment of clarity that I hadn’t experience before. I need to hold onto that.

I think a lot of my problems lie in the fact that I can't deal with loss or rejection. This often stops me from starting anything in the first place and leads to me become obsessed with the things I do start. I know that I can channel my addictions into something positive. When my mind is shouting out for destruction, I need to sit back take some deep breaths and realise that the thoughts will pass. I need to look back at all the pain and despair that gambling has cause me over the years and realise it's not for me. I need to save my luck for other things.

Yesterday is not ours to recover but tomorrow is ours to win or lose

I'm still here. Gamble free for nearly a week. Quick entry tonight.

Peace and love

Hey, glad you're ok and GF, End of an up and down week but we'very made it. Take care of yourself S 🙂

Still gamble free.

I'll keep on keepin on

Still gamble free
Bigger posts start next week
Feeling good

Life is to be lived

Some very powerful posts especially post 175.

Great to hear you are still gamble free.

Stay strong.

My mind seems to have calmed down. I still have the odd flutter of gambling thoughts but they’re under control. They will always be under control if I don't actively engage with them! At the height of my last binge I was prepared to put a grand on and outcome that was less than 50/50 with no fear or remorse. Thankfully the card I was trying to use was declined and I manged to come to my senses in time.

I'm not a wealthy person, I never have been due to my reckless hedonistic life style. I look back sometimes and think that if I was just a little bit sensible then I would be sitting pretty, probably with a house I could be coming close to owning and my own money in the bank. That's just from showing some kind of restraint in my daily activities. Part of the problem is I’m selfish and I spend most of my time thinking about myself, I've been good at playing the victim over the years and mourned my own bad decisions relentlessly.

I think we are changing as a society and with a shifting political climate, the needs of all (especially those who don't have any help) must be addressed. I live a happy lifestyle punctured by the odd disruptive bout of self-sabotage, which has become less frequent as grow older and hopefully wiser. The money and time wasted in my life could have gone towards a much better cause and helped countless amounts of people who needed it. But that’s not the way it played out and I have to deal with my current situation.

I know that I’m not going to change overnight and the selfish side of myself will not disappear without a fight but at least I’m prepared to acknowledge it's there and try to gradually rise above it. It starts with little changes, I bought someone a meal the other day who clearly hadn't eaten proper food for a long time. I'll be giving a cake to a charity bake sale tomorrow.

I'm always going to be an addict, Gambling has been by far my worst addiction and I don’t have the time or energy to deal with it anymore. It’s hard to say, I’ll never gamble again but I won’t gamble today.

Still on the gamble free wagon

There is no magic wand that can resolve our problems. The solution rests with our work and discipline.