Time to change

Hi Westsider,

I agree with the conclusion you have finally got to.... you need to put some blocks in place.

If you choose k9, you must get somebody else to put it on your computer, so you do not know the password.

Alternatively, there are some 28 day free trials out there, which would at least give you some breathing space and a chance to see that having the blocks in place actually impact on the urges... it is almost like having no money to gamble with... when the option is not there, the choice is easier to make.

Also you are not crazy.. well ... actually you are... we all are. That's how it is ... one day feeling strong, as if "What was the problem?"... then it hits, quickly without any reasoning.... that's why blocks are so important.

I am glad you had the foresight to stop before you did any serious damage, and you can learn from this experience. I know the feeling as it hit me after 9 weeks free recently. It's like you are teetering over a cliff edge... the adrenalin etc. Hopefully the relief that you didn't jump all the way down can give you the strength to move forward, and the realisation of how you would have felt today if it had gone all wrong may keep you from looking over the edge and wondering ?

Stay strong.

Jon

Hi Westsider,

Sorry 2 read about ur slip, I hope u r ok 🙂

I hope u have managed 2 get some blocks in place. Nearly all of us trying 2 stop gambling have at least one slip. What is important is u r not giving up!

Stay strong and keep going 🙂

Obviously I couldn't go out on a win! Lost some more money tonight. On the plus side I managed to hold out for 5 days.

I'm going to keep fighting I'm not giving up! I'm weak at the moment but I will stop. I've got some money coming into my account in the next few days. I won't lose it.

Had an amazing weekend, went to a wonderful concert and caught up with friends from university. I'm going to use the rest of this month to cleans myself. Get healthy, sooth my soul. It's easy to be lazy, it's easy to gamble; sometimes in life you have to take the hard road. Climb the hill so you can enjoy the view from the top. People reading this probably think I'm a walking contradiction. All the never agains and new starts, then all the slips that follow!

I believe wholeheartedly that I can beat this. I except that I have a problem and that I will always be a compulsive gambler. Yet I am 100% sure that I can stop for good. So It's another new start, another time to change. 33rd time lucky (or something like that!)

I will get the blocks in place on my laptop today! I've been putting it off and off. It's happening today!

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

HI Westsider,

Sorry to read about your recent slip, You have to get the blocks in place, How many times have you tried to stop on your own with no help ? Change what your doing or how your approaching it make your defences as safe as possible., we cant do this on our own.

With determination and support you can do this, people are living proof on this forum every day.

Keep going .

Blondie 🙂

Hey Westsider,

Just had a read through your diary and sorry to read of the recent slip! It's interesting but equally eye opening seeing this scarily powerful addiction in action through your diary! You put you were feeling strong and able to swat away the urges, and then bang 4 days later you are playing poker!

I will basically echo My good friend Blondie's post you cannot beat this alone that mayb hard to accept but it's important we do that! It might not be possible to get help from another person so then it's important to get as many blocks and barriers in place as possible!

It's a tough enough battle as it is so take and use all the help and advice you can get!

I wish you well in your continued recovery!

Flagg

INDEPENDENCE DAY.

So I finally put the K9 block on my computer. The password is guarded by a close friend who knows about my gambling problem. It's true to say I can't beat this alone!

I’m feeling happy today. I have the whole of my life to look forward to. I know I’ve had a few slips since I started my diary, but over that last couple of years I haven’t really lost that much money (compared to my years away from home.) I think that’s a positive thing.

I need to change my mind set and stop concentrating on money, writing about money, talking about money. I’m not going to write the word MONEY again in my diary. I also need more consistency in my life. Habits are forged by doing things regularly. The first part of my recovery is creating fixed rituals and habits that I can do automatically everyday.

The first one of these is to make my eagle sign and acknowledge the life-force. It takes 5 seconds. Its something I have done for a long time but some days I forget. I won't forget again. I will make the sign at least once a day; because lets face it without the force that created the universe we would have nothing.

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.

HI Westsider,

Well done on getting the K9 installed it will be one of the best things you do to protect you when your resistance is low.

Your right about changing, mind set, habits etc, this is a programme of change, what we did previously allowed us to gamble, if we change what we do, how we think the gambling demons become less and less, Fill the time that you have spare with something postive something you enjoy doing that motivates you. Start to think through things more, perhaps why you gambled, Bored, stressed, lonely, happy, people of lots of different reasons and put something in place to counteract this.

What ever it takes westsider.....!!!

Keep going

Blondie 🙂

Just finished another day at work. I've gone through the mill of emotions today, anger, envy, regret but I back to happy now.

Had a few interesting conversations today. One with a security guard who whist living in Poland went to visit his girlfriend and got caught up in a g***y scam. He lost all his money trying to pick out the black card; but instead of going home defeated he hitch-hiked his way across the country and finally arriving to his girlfriends house. She wasn't aloud any visitors because it was late at night. He then managed to locate a family friend who he hadn't seen for 2 years and they let him in, fed him and he met up with his girl friend the next day. I took heart from the story. To me it represented something. You might mess up but if your determined and have friends around you for support you can get good things. He also told me that the owners of casinos are like sports cars and your just filling them up with petrol.

I was stacking some judo mats later on in the day. The mat on the bottom wasn't straight but I stacked a few more mats on top of it anyway. A girl walked past and said they were wonky, so I listened to her and started again. Once I had finished stacking the mats were real neat, the neatest I have ever seen them. the moral of this story is listen to people, don't cut corners & don't be scared to start over & do things properly. No gambling today.

There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.

Westsider,

I have read through your diary and feel for you.

I'm going to give you some advice that was given to me 3 1/2 years ago that has helped me immensely, really basic stuff but very powerful...

(1) Give control of all your finances (bank cards, money etc) to someone you trust. (perhaps parents).

(2) Tell the closest people you are a CG (you have no secrets that may come back and bite you on the b*m)

(3) do not carry any more money on you than absolutely neccessary( if that means £2 for a sandwich then so be it) MONEY is AMMUNITION!!!

They are just a few to get you going.

Have you ever attended GA? (gamblers Anonymus)

If you notice both your break outs have been when you have been payed!!! only my judgement!

Anyway good luck mate and REMEMBER NO GAMBLING = A BETTER LIFE.

Regards

Turk101

Cheers for the tips Turk. I will listen to the advice. I did go to GA for a while when I was living up north; but It's harder to get there now I'm in the countryside. I had counselling for a while, I might try and go down that avenue again.

I've had a pretty good day. I've completed all the task I set myself. Just need to go for go for a walk after writing this even though it's chucking it down. I renewed a swimming membership this month and I'm going on a regular basis. I swam in the national championships when I was younger and I find it therapeutic, it's good exercise and relaxes my mind.

I guess the next step for me is trying to regain some trust in myself. Hopefully by proving I can do little things daily, the big changes should fall into place. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, I'm going through a strange time in my life. I'm still growing as a person & I will get there in the end. Today I'm proud to say I did not gamble.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.

Hi Westsider,

I like the quote at the end of ur post 🙂

Well done 4 staying strong ur determination shines thru!

Hope u have a gr8 day!

Stay strong and keep going 🙂

It's Saturday. Maybe I had too much of a lie in! I guess I will have time to address my sleep patterns in the future. For now I'm committed to not gambling. I won't gamble today. I'm off to a cider festival which should be fun. It's raining outside but It's going to be a fantastic day.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about getting out there, and dancing in the rain.

Had a long day at work. Then a peaceful walk in the countryside. I felt something beautiful in the air, can't explain what it was but it calmed me. Walking is a great way to meditate and empty my mind. Not really having urges at the moment. Had fun at the cider festival, got another festival to look forward to in a few weeks. I'm going to have a big clear out next week and de clutter my room. Still on track for booking a holiday at the end of the month. I'm appreciating what I have at the moment.

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle

Hiya Westsider..

Thanks for popping onto my diary ....your welcome anytime and even though i'm on the other side (whoooooo...sounds like i'm a cyberghost) ....most of the people who post to me are all people who have been grippd by gambling and now in recovery and who have been there with me whilst I sort out the crapola...

I'm half way into your diary at the moment and can see you like your festivals....had a good few years on the circuit myself....V..glastonbury,cream fields etc etc but closest I get now is watching T in the Park on telly with a slice of toast and a coffee...

Only read my diary if you suffer with chronic insomnia...lol...cant believe how many posts I've racked up!

Think half the battle in any form of recovery is learning to channel our creative energy so it doesn't turn destructive out of boredom or lifestyle...

Im facing that one at the moment....wrote my best poetry when i was livid but now i'm level (for me!..lol) and the impetus is less...I need to sort that one out...so any ideas or inspiration...please share ..

night for now and keep posting ..

Rach and Doo xx.

learning to channel our creative energy so it doesn't turn destructive. Thats a great line Rach! It strikes a cord with me. My strongest asset is my creativity. I can definitely build a future on it. Yet my life has been dispersed with continual moments of self destructiveness, for a long as I can remember.

Sometimes I lack self worth; I normally take the easy option & very rarely stray from my comfort zone. Yes I know how to party and have a good time but there is more to life than that. I still don't have a definitive purpose. I'm floating around in a lonely life boat at the moment. When there is a whole ocean of experiences to discover.

Obviously I can't dive right in. I'm building myself day by day block by block. Today I did not gamble. I went for a spiritual walk & made the sign of the eagle. I have done this for six days in a row. Tomorrow, and for the next 4 days I will add swimming to the list. It’s early days I know but I have to keep going.

Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.