Time to start mine

ok...I failed/slipped....twice this week...Tuesday got to much for me....although I managed to survive Monstrous Monday....Terryfying Tuesday caught me........I am so disappointed with myself as I was 1 day short of the two weeks.....bitterly disappointed as I was feeling so strong......that has scared me....I almost fell to Monstrous Monday...but I went for a walk..I was angry......really angry with myself........I walked past countless bookies.....got something to eat....calmed down......then went home.....

I blew way too much on Tuesday...just in time to spoil Christmas.......but I had a lucky escape yesterday and won it back...and managed to walk away with it.......so I am fortunate enough to say I have now not lost finacially in almost the last three weeks.......at least I DID manage to walk away this time...........maybe something is now working as you know....walking away winning is not usually the case............I think I got so disgusted playing....that maybe...just maybe....something twigged in my head............and I walked.........so that is a positive....if there is one........at least Christmas is back on.....

Although financially I am doing well for almost three weeks.........I am devestated that I succumbed........I really beleived that if I was to write...Day 1..again...it would ruin me.........it would have so ruined me had I not walked away.........I think it may have got to point where if I didn't walk now......Christmas would be totally ruined for all........maybe the mentality I've had since I've joined is working somehow...........as before....that money would have all gone and more.......

I have to be good to myself for that at least.................just goes to show......that you still do not win.........you may have the opportunity to get the money back....sometimes.......but we don't actually win..........I'm evens now for this period....which helps........and I must realise that this is probably THE BEST that can happen.......we are not winners....it all goes back..

Advice welcome for me to get my strength back most welcome......as I know that if I didn't walk last night...I would not be functioning at all today.........still feeling disgusted and disappointed with me....

Day 1......

Mate, you walked...What encouragement do you need from us? You knew what you needed to do & found the strength to do it:-) Let the lesson be how utterly wretched you felt in the time between & how you almost ruined Christmas be your strength.

If this were easy, none of us would be here & you gave a flipping good account of yourself on Monday so you know you can fight!

You also realise you were lucky this time & that getting your money back is not winning! Let the money go & start looking forward to Christmas, so what if the counter started again, it started & that's what counts to everyone here supporting you!

Be strong - ODAAT

thanks ODAAT....I just feel so ashamed and having people like you on board helps so very much in making this easier to deal with as well as being so totally encouraging........I am just so very disappointed in myself.....and really beleived that if I typed in DAY 1..again....I wouldn't have the strength to continue..........but your words are helping more than you know......(but I suspect that you do actually know:)) I hope you are going to have a wonderful Christmas and an enjoyable longer recovery.

Hi Freddie, just wanted to offer my support.

I've just read through your diary, I haven't been posting or reading as much since my relapse 10 days ago. I had to take a step back just to get myself back on track.

I know the feeling of writing day 1 again. It's horrible. But you're still here. You could have vanished and spent today gambling, but you haven't.

The mistake I made was to become too confident too soon...just as I have every other time I've failed. Although I managed 36 days, which is the longest I've ever stopped for, I stopped after a fairly minimal loss - I felt bad, but not as bad as I do when I've had a massive loss.

After last Thursday, I feel terrible, and I hope that's what's going to get me through. I'm forcing myself to feel bad about it.

I don't like feeling like this, but I need to remember feeling like this. A sort of self inflicted punishment so to speak. If I don't remember it'll become all to easy to repeat.

My only advice is to stick with it, if recovery was easy none of us would have any problems. I figure it's got to be better to be here and trying to stop, than to disappear and give up.

Take care my friend
Jess

I am pretty sure this isn't the 1st time you have felt this self loathing? I lost count of the times I'd sit in the car, punching myself in the legs (as that was the body part I could hit the hardest) to try & knock some sense into myself! This time, it's different for you though, you are gutted that you slipped instead of just pining after the money you have lost, see what a difference a few 'clean' days makes 🙂

I know you didn't want to write 1 again but you have, let this be the last time you do it without another number accompanying it...You do have the strength, you must have it because life without gambling is great - ODAAT

Freddie

In your hour of despair, you still found time to post support for myself .For this I am truly greatful.

Take strength from the strength you give others.

Look forward to a better life without gambling with the support of your friends.

Thanks again Dino

Freddie

Hope you are doing ok. Have been there and know how you were feeling. Sending all the positive vibrations.